Imm backk!

Hello ladies and germs.

It has been quiet some time now hasn't it. I doubt anyone still reads this but its worth a shot. I am not going to bother filling you guys in on what has happened, because there is too much random crap.
I will just give you a quick update on the whole weight thing. I have been struggling with my bulimia on and off the past few months, gaining and losing, gaining and losing. I always maintain under 110lbs though. I was 101lbs last week but the last few days i have been doing some crazy binging and purging.
I got drunk the last few nights and when i am drunk my binges can be wild, and tonight just so happened to be one of those nights. I literally feel rotten from all the throwing up.

BUT with some good support from a few of my friends with eating disorders online, i am ready to step out of the bulimia world and back into the restricting.
now i know what you are thinking "yeah right" and hey now, i am not saying i will never binge and purge again because lets face it, bulimia isn't something i can just drop, no matter how badly i want too.
the binge is a warm hug, and the purge and the release. its an addiction i wish i could stop but its not that simple.
although, thin is still my priority. and i intend to try my hardest to at least cut back on binging and purging and restrict more.
i want to go at least a week b/p free. that would be great.

My parents have found my puke bowls plenty more times by the way.
and ive been contemplating recovery but i am dying to get down to a low 90, high 80 weight. so that is my goal.
and i will be updating daily just like the good old days to keep me on track. and i am hoping i will make it to my goal weight, go into inpatient, and then look back at my blog posts and hopefully be greatfull i am better.
but i am not getting my hopes up.

how is everyone else doing?

YES YES YES!

DUUUUUUUDE.
It's midnight which means i officially have went two days with no food and barely any water,and TONS of walking and standing around in the cold basically all day.
I haven't weighed myself for a while, and i don't want to until the next 10 days are over, starting weight was 108,i am assuming i was at least 106 by now,i feel fucking great, my goal weight for when i weigh myself after 10 days is at least 100lbs, or fucking at least 102lbs.
Thats about all for now.my brain is a little loopy at the moment.

I am ECSTATIC

BUH BYE FAT!
I got those pills today! I got 10 for free... i had to do some... inappropriate things for them, but i HAD do! I need to lose weight and i need to lose it now, i am going insane. I am FAT. That is the only word i can use to describe myself at the moment, FAT, EVERYWHERE! My arms, legs, love handles, my cheeks, collar bones, boobs, stomach, hands, FEET, ankles, wrists, back flab. Literally everywhere is covered.
I had an awful binge last night, and i did it because i thought i would have been able to fast today because i was suppose to get the pills LAST night, but plans changed and i binged for nothing. Today i got the pills and then ended up binging pretty bad again tonight, but at least this time i know for sure i can fast tomorrow, AND THE NEXT DAY AND THE NEXT DAY AND THE NEXT DAY!
I AM PUMPED!

I am hoping to lose 10lbs in the next 10lbs, which i think should be pretty reasonable, first couple days the pounds just fall off. I am going to weigh myself Friday, I was going to tomorrow but i am to scared, and i am going to fast tomorrow ONLY WATER! (Barely water, probably like less then half a bottle of water all day) tons of walking with my friend, and then exercise on my treadmill (which is now in my room!) for most of the night.
I don't know what my plan will be for the next 10 days, all i know is it will be mostly fasting and when i do eat it will be under 100 calories, like one salad, or one apple, or one jar of baby food, etc.

FASTING TOMORROW!
So excited, no lollipops, no gum, no NOTHING! God i cant wait until these 10 days are up and i can see if i have lost any weight, so i can feel a little better about myself because lately i have been feeling disgusted and miserable.
I hope to be 100lbs by next saturday, so around 10lbs since i am assuming i weigh around 110lbs now *HURL*...
ten days ten days ten days..
No food tomorrow.

Fuck i cant wait.
BYE BYE BULIMIA! this means no binging or PURGING (waahh) for 10 days (and longer) this will be hard (well not really), but it will be worth it. I am going to finish off november with a bang and enter december slimmer, and enjoy christmas nice and skinny. My goal for christmas is 90lbs. and now... i believe i can actually fucking do it thanks to these pills i have.
Pathetic? Maybe. But anything to be beautiful and skinny.

...

Blah i woke up this morning because my stomach was KILLING me from all the laxatives i took before bed, the pain was almost unbearable.
So my day was shit literally from the second i woke up (hahah a pun..), anyways i woke up at 2:30pm and then my mom and dad got home at 3pm and we went to go look at a fucking house at 4:30pm.
I only went for something to do, and to criticize it. I basically just walked in the house and walked through the entire thing leaving my parents and the douche bag salesman guy in the dust, after i was done i stood at the front door turned to my dad and said "Bedrooms are to small, and the basement is shit. peace" the basement wasn't even done! and the rooms WERE small! my bedroom now is already almost to small to hold all my furniture, my bedroom is basically a living room,no beds just couches, mini fridge, table, 2 dressers, and my tv. how the hell is that all suppose to fit in a shack sized bedroom. then my dad says
"but did you see this! look!"
i look back in the "master bedroom" and there's a bathroom...really dad...REALLY! YOU ARE WILLING TO GIVE YOUR BULIMIC DAUGHTER THE MASTER BEDROOM WITH ITS OWN PERSONAL BATHROOM! awe shucks...thanks!
I looked at him with like a "are you serious" face and said "I don't want the fucking bathroom" then i turn to the real estate agent and say
"This house sucks" and i leave.

I have already decided to move out on my own when everything is official, but to be honest i don't think i am ready to live on my own, that means i have to find a job as fast as i can, then buy my house, it would be like waking up one morning and suddenly being an adult and having all these responsibilities. I am not even done school yet!

Blah...

Its almost 6pm and i haven't eaten or drank anything yet. I don't really want anything either... Just drugs, i want something to numb my brain.
I am going to go smoke a cigg and then clean my room. then go out for a walk...after that who knows..

I am not strong enough..

I am broken into a million billion pieces...
I am bawling my fucking eyes out. I feel so alone, I don't feel real, I now know how it feels to feel dead inside.
I have started cutting again. I want help but to scared to ask for it, i want people to help me without me asking.. this disorder might take me before that happens..

Here are lyrics that describe how i am feeling right now..


This place is a hole
but I don't wanna go
i wish we could stay here forever alone
this time that we waste
but i still love your taste
don't let him take my place
don't just sit there

sometimes I wish you would leave me
whoa I'm not sick of you yet
is that as good as it gets
I'll just hide it
I could slip into you
its so easy to come back into you

I stayed for a while
and waited for words
seen but not heard
and struggled to try
my tongues turnin' black
but I'll take you back
your still the best more or less
I guess
I guess

don't you leave me
whoa I'm not sick of you yet
is that as good as it gets
I'll just hide it oh
I could slip into you
its so easy to come back into you

and it hurts me to say that it hurts me to stay
and it might be all right if you go
it hurts me to say that i want you stay but it might be alright if you go

so leave me
whoa I'm not sick of you yet
is that as good as it gets
I'll just decided whoa i could slip into you its so easy to come...
back into you

sometimes i think that the bitter in you and the quitter in me is the bitter in you and quitter in me
the bitter in you is the quitter in me is the bitter in me and the quitter in me
the bitter in you and the quitter in me is (yeah)
is better than the both of us


Those are lyrics to the song "Lover Dearest" by my favorite band Marianas Trench, its baout the lead singers addiction to heroin, he wrote the song in rehab it was originally a letter he had to write to his addiction during rehab. I think it can go towards my ED aswell, which the lead singer also had.

But i am so lost..
and alone
and broken
and ugly and useless
lazy and worthless
hopeless and scared.

Awful..Just Awful..

Past two days were horrible, well i have had worse but still both days were pretty damn bad.
Yesterday i had a smallish binge, then i purged then that guy i like (that i mentioned a while back) asked me to come smoke some weed with him at his place (I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN FOREVER!), So of course i went! I thought i would have been strong enough to avoid the munchies.. apparently not.
I binged and purged from about 12am - 7am!!!!!!! I was so exhausted! my throat was killing me my stomach was burning and i was SO FUCKING TIRED! i couldn't keep my eyes open, i finally fell asleep but had to wake up at 12pm because it was my dads birthday today! (FUCK!) Me and lack of sleep is a death trap for binges.
I think would have done well if i didn't smoke weed today!
But having the munchies, and having cakes EVERYWHERE i was like "Fuck it. No way in hell, me, a bulimic pig can sit here with mad munchies and turn down hundreds of cakes and chocolates." so i dig right the fuck in.
I had so much family down.
All my dads brothers and sisters from Toronto were down, and one of my aunts presents to my dad was a box full of pieces of cakes from a bakery! so when i said hundreds of cakes, i wasn't kidding!
Since i had so much family over and i don't like people seeing me eat, or getting food. I was constantly sneaking downstairs quietly and sneaking food bit by bit. I felt disgusting.
And i was in my room basically all day binging and purging. ON MY DADS BIRTHDAY! with family i haven't seen in forever!
I didn't even get to say good bye to them, and i didn't help my mom clean up because i had to purge. how rude is that!
God i hate how this bull shit disease takes over everything.

It's almost 9pm and i am finishing up purging.

Earlier my aunt pinched my fat ass thigh and says "You need to eat sweetie, your to thin" ummmmm. first of all you mean eat LESS right? I hate how people think they know me so well and my eating habits. If only they knew i ate enough to feed all the homeless people in the world. Besides she hasn't seen me in a year! How the hell does she know if i eat or not? PLUS she is clinically overweight so SUCK IT! of course i look thin to her, everyone does!

I don't need to gain weight. I need to lose.
I don't need to eat more. I need to eat less.

I am just so frustrated. I have had more calories then sleep the past two days. AHH! I am going to go finish throwing up then smoke a bong and play some video games or watch a movie.
Tomorrow i am restarting, and no weed. so no munchies, so i will be restricting. I am thinking a salad and a jar of baby food tomorrow?
Fuck i hate planning out my meals... It always sounds like so much, which is ridiculous because anything under 200 is less then what i usually eat. I just need to keep telling myself that...I am so scared i have lost my control completely though...

I am going to take 15 laxatives tonight, drink a green tea and exercise my ass off. and i will take my laxatives before i smoke weed, so i wont binge because then that means i will have to purge which means i will be throwing up my laxatives.
Not cool.
Not cool at all.

I hope everyone else is doing better then my weak ass.
love you all!

P.s I am going to be creeping a lot of peoples blogs tonight as well, i need motivation! and i need a little reminder that i am not alone.

I wish i had a body to die for.

I just came back from the grocery store and got some lollipops (a MASSIVE bag) they are the tootsie roll lollipops, they are the smaller ones though, 50 calories for 4 so i will have 4 (if that) a day (and probably not every day), i also got the walden farms dressings, frozen broccoli and cauliflower (the bags that you steam), some flavored cottage cheese packs (90-100 calories for one), lots of packs of gum and calorie free mints, four 2L bottles of diet soda (different flavors to keep my mouth satisfied),5 calorie jello, 1 more can of baby food (90 calories for a big jar)and i think that's all.

My dad bought a lot of food that i would normally be like "AWE YOU BASTARD!", like sugary strudels, and pastries, tons of ice cream, but I'm not craving it all, I am SO full today and its 5pm and i have had half a 2L bottle of caffeine free diet root beer, and whats awesome is my dad bought all HIS junk yesterday and i was still like "meh i could live without it" and its true, i obviously can!

I THINK around 8pm i will have half the cucumber. The though of food right now is sickening but i know if i fast today i will just be setting myself up for a binge, so maybe once i get REALLY into the swing of things (restricting) then i will have a couple fasting days a week, but me being a bulimic, fasting on my second day of restricting probably isn't the best idea.
I need to be smart about this. I am still so shocked i am full off of 2 pickles in 2 days, my stomach is the flattest its been in a LONG time, even flatter then when i made it to only day 3 of my ABC, i really have no idea why haha. i think its because i have been cutting down on binging for the last week or so.

but I'm still fat and ugly.
I am going to go do something to waste some time.

peace and love!