Imm backk!

Hello ladies and germs.

It has been quiet some time now hasn't it. I doubt anyone still reads this but its worth a shot. I am not going to bother filling you guys in on what has happened, because there is too much random crap.
I will just give you a quick update on the whole weight thing. I have been struggling with my bulimia on and off the past few months, gaining and losing, gaining and losing. I always maintain under 110lbs though. I was 101lbs last week but the last few days i have been doing some crazy binging and purging.
I got drunk the last few nights and when i am drunk my binges can be wild, and tonight just so happened to be one of those nights. I literally feel rotten from all the throwing up.

BUT with some good support from a few of my friends with eating disorders online, i am ready to step out of the bulimia world and back into the restricting.
now i know what you are thinking "yeah right" and hey now, i am not saying i will never binge and purge again because lets face it, bulimia isn't something i can just drop, no matter how badly i want too.
the binge is a warm hug, and the purge and the release. its an addiction i wish i could stop but its not that simple.
although, thin is still my priority. and i intend to try my hardest to at least cut back on binging and purging and restrict more.
i want to go at least a week b/p free. that would be great.

My parents have found my puke bowls plenty more times by the way.
and ive been contemplating recovery but i am dying to get down to a low 90, high 80 weight. so that is my goal.
and i will be updating daily just like the good old days to keep me on track. and i am hoping i will make it to my goal weight, go into inpatient, and then look back at my blog posts and hopefully be greatfull i am better.
but i am not getting my hopes up.

how is everyone else doing?

YES YES YES!

DUUUUUUUDE.
It's midnight which means i officially have went two days with no food and barely any water,and TONS of walking and standing around in the cold basically all day.
I haven't weighed myself for a while, and i don't want to until the next 10 days are over, starting weight was 108,i am assuming i was at least 106 by now,i feel fucking great, my goal weight for when i weigh myself after 10 days is at least 100lbs, or fucking at least 102lbs.
Thats about all for now.my brain is a little loopy at the moment.

I am ECSTATIC

BUH BYE FAT!
I got those pills today! I got 10 for free... i had to do some... inappropriate things for them, but i HAD do! I need to lose weight and i need to lose it now, i am going insane. I am FAT. That is the only word i can use to describe myself at the moment, FAT, EVERYWHERE! My arms, legs, love handles, my cheeks, collar bones, boobs, stomach, hands, FEET, ankles, wrists, back flab. Literally everywhere is covered.
I had an awful binge last night, and i did it because i thought i would have been able to fast today because i was suppose to get the pills LAST night, but plans changed and i binged for nothing. Today i got the pills and then ended up binging pretty bad again tonight, but at least this time i know for sure i can fast tomorrow, AND THE NEXT DAY AND THE NEXT DAY AND THE NEXT DAY!
I AM PUMPED!

I am hoping to lose 10lbs in the next 10lbs, which i think should be pretty reasonable, first couple days the pounds just fall off. I am going to weigh myself Friday, I was going to tomorrow but i am to scared, and i am going to fast tomorrow ONLY WATER! (Barely water, probably like less then half a bottle of water all day) tons of walking with my friend, and then exercise on my treadmill (which is now in my room!) for most of the night.
I don't know what my plan will be for the next 10 days, all i know is it will be mostly fasting and when i do eat it will be under 100 calories, like one salad, or one apple, or one jar of baby food, etc.

FASTING TOMORROW!
So excited, no lollipops, no gum, no NOTHING! God i cant wait until these 10 days are up and i can see if i have lost any weight, so i can feel a little better about myself because lately i have been feeling disgusted and miserable.
I hope to be 100lbs by next saturday, so around 10lbs since i am assuming i weigh around 110lbs now *HURL*...
ten days ten days ten days..
No food tomorrow.

Fuck i cant wait.
BYE BYE BULIMIA! this means no binging or PURGING (waahh) for 10 days (and longer) this will be hard (well not really), but it will be worth it. I am going to finish off november with a bang and enter december slimmer, and enjoy christmas nice and skinny. My goal for christmas is 90lbs. and now... i believe i can actually fucking do it thanks to these pills i have.
Pathetic? Maybe. But anything to be beautiful and skinny.

...

Blah i woke up this morning because my stomach was KILLING me from all the laxatives i took before bed, the pain was almost unbearable.
So my day was shit literally from the second i woke up (hahah a pun..), anyways i woke up at 2:30pm and then my mom and dad got home at 3pm and we went to go look at a fucking house at 4:30pm.
I only went for something to do, and to criticize it. I basically just walked in the house and walked through the entire thing leaving my parents and the douche bag salesman guy in the dust, after i was done i stood at the front door turned to my dad and said "Bedrooms are to small, and the basement is shit. peace" the basement wasn't even done! and the rooms WERE small! my bedroom now is already almost to small to hold all my furniture, my bedroom is basically a living room,no beds just couches, mini fridge, table, 2 dressers, and my tv. how the hell is that all suppose to fit in a shack sized bedroom. then my dad says
"but did you see this! look!"
i look back in the "master bedroom" and there's a bathroom...really dad...REALLY! YOU ARE WILLING TO GIVE YOUR BULIMIC DAUGHTER THE MASTER BEDROOM WITH ITS OWN PERSONAL BATHROOM! awe shucks...thanks!
I looked at him with like a "are you serious" face and said "I don't want the fucking bathroom" then i turn to the real estate agent and say
"This house sucks" and i leave.

I have already decided to move out on my own when everything is official, but to be honest i don't think i am ready to live on my own, that means i have to find a job as fast as i can, then buy my house, it would be like waking up one morning and suddenly being an adult and having all these responsibilities. I am not even done school yet!

Blah...

Its almost 6pm and i haven't eaten or drank anything yet. I don't really want anything either... Just drugs, i want something to numb my brain.
I am going to go smoke a cigg and then clean my room. then go out for a walk...after that who knows..

I am not strong enough..

I am broken into a million billion pieces...
I am bawling my fucking eyes out. I feel so alone, I don't feel real, I now know how it feels to feel dead inside.
I have started cutting again. I want help but to scared to ask for it, i want people to help me without me asking.. this disorder might take me before that happens..

Here are lyrics that describe how i am feeling right now..


This place is a hole
but I don't wanna go
i wish we could stay here forever alone
this time that we waste
but i still love your taste
don't let him take my place
don't just sit there

sometimes I wish you would leave me
whoa I'm not sick of you yet
is that as good as it gets
I'll just hide it
I could slip into you
its so easy to come back into you

I stayed for a while
and waited for words
seen but not heard
and struggled to try
my tongues turnin' black
but I'll take you back
your still the best more or less
I guess
I guess

don't you leave me
whoa I'm not sick of you yet
is that as good as it gets
I'll just hide it oh
I could slip into you
its so easy to come back into you

and it hurts me to say that it hurts me to stay
and it might be all right if you go
it hurts me to say that i want you stay but it might be alright if you go

so leave me
whoa I'm not sick of you yet
is that as good as it gets
I'll just decided whoa i could slip into you its so easy to come...
back into you

sometimes i think that the bitter in you and the quitter in me is the bitter in you and quitter in me
the bitter in you is the quitter in me is the bitter in me and the quitter in me
the bitter in you and the quitter in me is (yeah)
is better than the both of us


Those are lyrics to the song "Lover Dearest" by my favorite band Marianas Trench, its baout the lead singers addiction to heroin, he wrote the song in rehab it was originally a letter he had to write to his addiction during rehab. I think it can go towards my ED aswell, which the lead singer also had.

But i am so lost..
and alone
and broken
and ugly and useless
lazy and worthless
hopeless and scared.

Awful..Just Awful..

Past two days were horrible, well i have had worse but still both days were pretty damn bad.
Yesterday i had a smallish binge, then i purged then that guy i like (that i mentioned a while back) asked me to come smoke some weed with him at his place (I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN FOREVER!), So of course i went! I thought i would have been strong enough to avoid the munchies.. apparently not.
I binged and purged from about 12am - 7am!!!!!!! I was so exhausted! my throat was killing me my stomach was burning and i was SO FUCKING TIRED! i couldn't keep my eyes open, i finally fell asleep but had to wake up at 12pm because it was my dads birthday today! (FUCK!) Me and lack of sleep is a death trap for binges.
I think would have done well if i didn't smoke weed today!
But having the munchies, and having cakes EVERYWHERE i was like "Fuck it. No way in hell, me, a bulimic pig can sit here with mad munchies and turn down hundreds of cakes and chocolates." so i dig right the fuck in.
I had so much family down.
All my dads brothers and sisters from Toronto were down, and one of my aunts presents to my dad was a box full of pieces of cakes from a bakery! so when i said hundreds of cakes, i wasn't kidding!
Since i had so much family over and i don't like people seeing me eat, or getting food. I was constantly sneaking downstairs quietly and sneaking food bit by bit. I felt disgusting.
And i was in my room basically all day binging and purging. ON MY DADS BIRTHDAY! with family i haven't seen in forever!
I didn't even get to say good bye to them, and i didn't help my mom clean up because i had to purge. how rude is that!
God i hate how this bull shit disease takes over everything.

It's almost 9pm and i am finishing up purging.

Earlier my aunt pinched my fat ass thigh and says "You need to eat sweetie, your to thin" ummmmm. first of all you mean eat LESS right? I hate how people think they know me so well and my eating habits. If only they knew i ate enough to feed all the homeless people in the world. Besides she hasn't seen me in a year! How the hell does she know if i eat or not? PLUS she is clinically overweight so SUCK IT! of course i look thin to her, everyone does!

I don't need to gain weight. I need to lose.
I don't need to eat more. I need to eat less.

I am just so frustrated. I have had more calories then sleep the past two days. AHH! I am going to go finish throwing up then smoke a bong and play some video games or watch a movie.
Tomorrow i am restarting, and no weed. so no munchies, so i will be restricting. I am thinking a salad and a jar of baby food tomorrow?
Fuck i hate planning out my meals... It always sounds like so much, which is ridiculous because anything under 200 is less then what i usually eat. I just need to keep telling myself that...I am so scared i have lost my control completely though...

I am going to take 15 laxatives tonight, drink a green tea and exercise my ass off. and i will take my laxatives before i smoke weed, so i wont binge because then that means i will have to purge which means i will be throwing up my laxatives.
Not cool.
Not cool at all.

I hope everyone else is doing better then my weak ass.
love you all!

P.s I am going to be creeping a lot of peoples blogs tonight as well, i need motivation! and i need a little reminder that i am not alone.

I wish i had a body to die for.

I just came back from the grocery store and got some lollipops (a MASSIVE bag) they are the tootsie roll lollipops, they are the smaller ones though, 50 calories for 4 so i will have 4 (if that) a day (and probably not every day), i also got the walden farms dressings, frozen broccoli and cauliflower (the bags that you steam), some flavored cottage cheese packs (90-100 calories for one), lots of packs of gum and calorie free mints, four 2L bottles of diet soda (different flavors to keep my mouth satisfied),5 calorie jello, 1 more can of baby food (90 calories for a big jar)and i think that's all.

My dad bought a lot of food that i would normally be like "AWE YOU BASTARD!", like sugary strudels, and pastries, tons of ice cream, but I'm not craving it all, I am SO full today and its 5pm and i have had half a 2L bottle of caffeine free diet root beer, and whats awesome is my dad bought all HIS junk yesterday and i was still like "meh i could live without it" and its true, i obviously can!

I THINK around 8pm i will have half the cucumber. The though of food right now is sickening but i know if i fast today i will just be setting myself up for a binge, so maybe once i get REALLY into the swing of things (restricting) then i will have a couple fasting days a week, but me being a bulimic, fasting on my second day of restricting probably isn't the best idea.
I need to be smart about this. I am still so shocked i am full off of 2 pickles in 2 days, my stomach is the flattest its been in a LONG time, even flatter then when i made it to only day 3 of my ABC, i really have no idea why haha. i think its because i have been cutting down on binging for the last week or so.

but I'm still fat and ugly.
I am going to go do something to waste some time.

peace and love!

Day deux

Blah worst sleep of my life last night.
and me on no sleep is a disaster hahah i am the biggest douchebag.
I didn't get to sleep until 7-730am because i was so nervous about weighing myself this morning, and then i woke up at 12pm.
I weighed myself and I'm a whopping 108lbs, and that's on one scale, on my other i was 109lbs! i was to scared to weigh myself on my third one!

So since I'm a cow I have no idea what to eat today.
I am probably going to go to my local grocery store that carries Walden Farms products since i ran out, and I'm going to buy some zero calorie salad dressing and probably just eat half a cucumber today and 4L of diet soda and a green tea because i need to start drinking one a day again.
Then i need to exercise even more today, I am able to use the treadmill tonight so i am going to take advantage of that and go on it until i cant feel my legs anymore, then go for a run OUTSIDE, and then play my wii fit and then throw in some push ups, sit ups, and jumping jacks. and i am going to move as much as possible today.

I want to be about 106-107lbs tomorrow.
It's HOPEFULLY possible, i cant wait until i am under 105lbs again. ugh i feel so massive!

OH SHIT! got to cut this short! brb

Back.

Hello.
Sorry i have been away for the last couple weeks or so, i have just been feeling embarrassed and sick of posting my fails. I never got those pills i was talking about so i never got to fast, so i was stuck in my shitty routine of gorging on large amounts of food just to throw it up.
I am not sure what my weight is, but i am weighing myself tomorrow morning for the first time in about a week or two. Last time i weighed myself i was 106, but since then i have been doing awful, but a few days ago i decided to smarten the fuck up! hahah i haven't stopped binging and purging, i will admit that. but i took baby steps, i use to binge maybe once during the day then ALL night and just go back and forth from binging and purging throughout the night, then i went from snacking (and purging) throughout the day to binging and purging all throughout the night, and THEN i went from fasting all day to binging and purging all throughout the night, and NOW i fast all night and have one SMALL binge at night (at around 12) purge and workout then lock myself in my room hahaha.

Today was the first time i restricted, having 2 pickles all day and actually being so full i couldn't finish the third one i had on my plate, i bought two 2L bottles of diet soda that i sipped on throughout the day, i moved my entire room around so burned quite a few calories, i am unable to go on the treadmill tonight so i am going to go for a jog later on tonight despite the freezing cold weather and pouring rain.

My cousin who is a male came over yesterday for the first time in about a month and a half, he use to come over all the time to hang out with my brother but when him and his girlfriend after about 2 years broke up he stopped coming over, but now him and his girlfriend are working things out, so he came over yesterday TWENTY FIVE POUNDS LIGHTER! he said he stopped eating, and now only eats dinner. This is coming from the guy who use to eat fast food like three times a day PLUS a homemade meal and snacks in between, he was never fat but he was husky, around 5-10lbs over weight, and now he decides to come over to his cousins house whom he knows has an eating disorder, and shows off him new skinny body. I can only define him as a DOUCHEBAG lol
But he is my motivation to lose weight, since i gained and he lost.
douchebag..

anywho.
MORE motivation for me is family from Toronto (MORE) that i haven't seen in a year is coming down Saturday. I MUST BE THINNER! I want to shock them, so i have (basically) two days to lose as much weight as i can. Which means i plan on eating only baby food, cucumbers, lettuce, pickles, yogurt, mints, lollipops and gum. Not all in the same day ;) hahaha.

A few things are triggering my loss of appetite..
I have to move out of medium sized city, to the country... so i have to move to the middle of no where! I JUST MOVED FROM MY SMALL EVERYONE-KNOWS-EVERYONE TOWN TO THIS CITY THAT TOOK ME A WHILE TO GET USE TO, NOW I HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN AND LOSE EVERYTHING....AGAIN!!
So basically since my parents are making me lose everything...again, i am going to lose as much weight as i can, since its the only thing i want to lose that they don't want me to lose.
Know why i have to move? because my family is losing money, and it doesn't help that my mom keeps spending money gambling..
So I'm going poor and moving my force. Joy.

Now i can't say I'm not going to binge anytime soon, because well, who am i kidding. But i can honestly say my stomach is growling really bad right now, but i still somehow feel full? and the thought of food sickens me.
I can barely bring myself to drink my diet coke.
Since everything is falling apart, I don't want to make myself more depressed by binging and purging, sure the binging makes me feel alright at the moment and the purging makes me feel even better, but i always regret it later and feel even worse, so i am going to save myself the trouble and just not eat anymore, i need at least one thing to keep me happy, which is losing weight.

I want to be pretty.

A Fresh start

Okay guys.
Now before you go off saying "Yeah right fatso!" hear me out! I just binged, REALLY bad, i mean, REALLY bad! somewhat on purpose though since i have tons of fasting days up ahead because I'm a desperate junkie and such a pathetic hopeless loser i need to resort to drugs to take my appetite away now. but forget that, i say i "somewhat" did it on purpose because it started off not on purpose (ugh) then i was like "fuck it, i am going to walk an hour to some place tomorrow in the freezing cold, walk an hour back home, plus I'm going to be fasting so i am just going to eat EVERYTHING i can" and believe me i did, i got all my cravings out, even things i wasn't craving, i ate until i was so uncomfortably full and then i purged and purged and purged, i filled up 4 huge bowls of puke.
Sorry to much information lol.

But this has got to be the last time! I HOPE IT WILL BE THE LAST TIME! Usually when i take these "Special pills" i am able to fast for that day and then my appetite is decreased from then on, i will be able to stick to a salad a day, or a yogurt a day, etc.
I DO feel extremely weak having to take drugs now to help me lose weight... but i also read somewhere that its kind of common for bulimics so its not TO strange i suppose...but that doesn't make it any better of course. I have had a bad past with drugs, now i only use when i am desperate and sick of being fat and out of control. like right now.
I feel really gross after this huge binge and purge, i feel like i gained a million pounds, i am going to have a REALLY hard time sleeping tonight...and tomorrow i am not going to want to go anywhere but of course i have to, so i am going to wear a baggy sweater and sweat pants tomorrow.

sdfgyuiolkjhgfdsxcfvgh.
Blah i feel depressed i just want tomorrow to be over...and its not even tomorrow yet!
I am going to go out for a run and then watch home improvement..

will i ever be thin...

FUCK

FAILED!
URGGGGGGGGGGG! But tomorrow i am buying those pills and fasting.

i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself :'(

Trying something new

GOOD MORNING!
Today feels like a good day! haahah minus what my weight was, 107.1 but whatever...I weighed myself because i knew if i didn't then i would most likely keep binging and purging, THIS way i now know how fat i am and i will be able to keep myself on track.
I have a few things i want to share with you guys!
I am a horoscope junkie lol i believe in that shit, and i read like a hundred different horoscopes a day, i know its stupid to read horoscopes let alone 20 different ones every morning, but i swear almost EVERY SINGLE ONE for today was weight related. The main ones:

1.Involve yourself in playing some sport as it is the secret of perpetual youth. simply ignore those who approach you for temporary loans. watch out what you say when you are in a group-you could be criticized for your impulsive remarks. your smiles have no sound-heart forgets to beat as you miss the company. think twice before you take on any new project. efforts made to improve your looks and personality will turn out to your satisfaction.

The next one is creeeeeeeeeeeeepy
2.Don't question your own judgment today and you will find success. The only way you can fail at an important assignment or in the pursuit of a special goal is if you begin to second guess yourself and you become overly critical of your efforts. If you can make decisions with confidence, and then follow through with true commitment to your choices, then you will glide through even the toughest events of the day. you are exactly where you are meant to be, so own the moment.

HOW TRUE IS THAT!
Every time i think i am going to binge, or if i don't think i can control a binge i WILL binge, so i just need to think positive constantly and tell myself i dont WANT to binge, its all in my head!
(I already knew that anyways)

Quick question.
Is anyone elses blog thing all messed up? like i cant change my font or add pretty colors and stuff anymore D: i loved doing that (as you could probably tell hahaha)IT LOOKS SO BORING NOW!

Okay now on to food.
It is 2:30pm and i have been eating for 20 minutes (Small breakfast which i took a picture of and i am going to post), i am going to start posting pictures of EVERY meal i eat so i don't over eat.
I had 4 tablespoons of egg whites (45 calories) with hot sauce (0 calories) and 2 meatless bologna (20 + 20 = 40) with a tiny bit of mustard on the side (0 calories) and a nice bug cup of water!



Total = 85 calories so far

I will probably have a salad later for around 55 calories and then tonight 4 pickles for 10 calories and a 35 calorie yogurt that i froze.
which should make today a 185 calorie day, and if i have cravings later i will have a 100 calorie lollipop that lasts forever and the flavor is like watermelon, or bubblegum, or BANANA SPLIT!
options options options.

Remember what my horoscope said guys! it can work for all of you also, if you think you are going to binge, you probably will, so think positive :) seems to be working alright for me today :)


oh
p.s. the plate my food is on is one of those small plates.

Forget weight for a minute,,

Lets get of the subject of weight for a moment.
LOOK AT MY HAIR :D lollllllll
Its sloppy,and messy and i love it! I died the top purple (looks blue in the pictures kinda..) but you can still see the faded turquoise in my roots from my last hair color, but i like it! I died my side burns red and then the bottom layer of my hair back to blue!
THEN! I parted my hair further to the side and cut really short layers so i can spike the top because after the colors from my hair fade i am getting a mohawk baby! I cant wait!
The pictures were taken in a bathroom because yes, i just finished purging before these pictures were taken -_-'
anywhoo i said we will not talk about weight in this post! I am to happy with the outcome of my hair :)

Gtygjjsishevegsjsb

I bring no good news today.

Besides the fact I died my hair and it looks badass.
I shall try restricting again tomorrow. That's all I can do... Try and try again.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

SERIOUSLY I HATE MYSELF!
I do well for 2 days, and then fuck up the next THREE days! I can't stand it! I wish i could just give up, but obviously you cant give up bulimia or anorexia..
I don't even know what to say... I am honestly hopeless! and no one can tell me other wise.
I may be hopeless, but I'm not a quitter, I am ONCE again going to attempt restricting, tomorrow i am doing the ABC but i am going to mostly eat baby food.

I feel like screaming!
I mean, will i live my entire life binging and purging? and then ATTEMPTING restriction, just to fail at yet another thing and then fall back into binging and purging? Some days i feel like i have SO MUCH control, you guys read some of my posts, but then MOST days (god it kills me to say most..) i have absolutely NO control! I cant control my cravings, and i cant control my portion sizes, i cant control how many times i binge. I am just.. OUT OF CONTROL!
and now my one friend i haven't seen in a long time is coming over Friday, so that gives me FIVE days to lose as much as possible for a bunch of reasons..
FIVE DAYS! How can i possibly look decent in five days... how can i go five days binge free... I'm to weak! and hopeless!
I think i may need to start using those "Special pills" again...
I am desperate... I feel so gross, so ugly, so weak, i feel like a failure!

Now excuse me while i ignore my aching heart and sore kidney while i throw up the dozen chocolate bars and french fries and cake aside, and then not to my homework (which i shouldn't even have because i should be done high school) so i can write out my meal plan for the next 5 days that i probably wont even stick to because i am too weak to turn down an inanimate object that you cant trust, something that makes you feel so good at the moment but then turns on you and makes you fat and feel pathetic.

kill me now.
or at least someone give me my control back...

pills tomorrow... :(

Holy shit...

I had a slice of pizza...
The pizza you buy at the grocery store...like Delicio pizza or whatever, ONE slice. i flipped out, I SAID I WOULDN'T EAT! :( WHY WOULD I EAT IT!

I threw it up.
Seen black spots everywhere.
Passed out.

Alone in my room on the floor, passed out for i don't now how long.
I don't know HOW i passed out! Its only been two days of "severe" restricting, probably because i haven't actually kept any food inside me for months, which still sounds shameful to me (the actually eating part).
At least i threw up the pizza and alcohol right...
Ugh i feel so fat! and bloated! WHY DID I EAT THAT PIZZA! no no, better yet, WHY DID I DRINK THE ALCOHOL!
If i just had that ONE slice of pizza i wouldn't feel as gross right now, but i had 1140 calories of just booze in me, TONS of sugar because that alcohol contained a lot of it, so on top of that i had a fucking slice of pizza...

I am tearing up right now, because i wanted to get through the whole ABC no fuck ups...but i fucked up...as usual...
I want to fast tomorrow so bad.. so so bad...
Why did i eat...I haven't felt this bad for eating something unhealthy in forever...well without binging..

AHH! Tomorrow is 400 calories, not 200. I just checked. I am going to eat 200, well probably less but 200 is my limit. Fuck it, 150 is my limit. I am going to try to fast but if i feel like i am going to cave in i will have a salad, or yogurt, or rice cake...

IM SO FAT! :'( !
This is why i haven't left my house to hang out with friends in weeks, because i will either drink or smoke weed which results in me eating! I shouldn't have got the alcohol today.. i shouldn't have drank!
NEVER AGAIN!
untill i am 85lbs i am not touching alcohol or weed again in case i eat.
I would rather be thin then fucked up.
In control instead of fucked up.
I am already fucked up as it is..

Someone make me feel better :(
I feel like an absolute failure...well i should..because i am..

I am never going to be skinny or beautiful... why do i keep trying...

Update+ JAZ!!

Today is day three which equals 300 calories.
Well it is 6:30pmand i haven't eaten yet, and i don't plan on it since i am drinking tonight! I only bought 4 Vodka Chocolate Mudshakes, which are 285 calories in one, so that's 1140 calories.
GAH!
I have only drank one so far, so technically i am still under the 300 calorie limit... and i could stop. But whats the point...
I will probably drink tonight, not eat, and then tomorrow just carry on with the ABC since i haven't eaten today and don't plan on it.

Its kind of frustrating but liquid is better then solids... Plus i plan on exercising tonight, and i have been doing PRETTTYYY good the past few days. my stomach DEFINETELY shrunk, after drinking ONE Mudshake im really full, all the sugar in the drink is probably filling me up. I feel gross, but i will be drunk soon enough and not care as much. The only reason im drinking is family from Toronto came down tonight and they drink all the time. SPECIAL OCCASION! lol first thing my aunt said was

"Holy shit you are so skinny now!"
and like i said in a previous post, they know i have a "problem" since last year (the last time they seen me) i was starting to really get into restricting and only eating a few cucumber + celery pieces a day.

Dinner just rolled by (They are currently eating) and I'm not eating with them, as usual, and my gay uncle says
"Aren't you coming?" and i said
"No" Simple as that, i don't need to explain how i never eat dinner wth my family, how i dont like to eat around people, and how when i DO eat its later on at night by myself, which i then throw up. He then says
"Why are you so skinny lady! You are a bag of bones! My nickname use to be bones, but i think you beat me!"
and i say
"Hahahah yeah right man, I'm not even close. I am the same as i was last year at the wedding"
And i really do think i am the same, so I'm not lying!

Anywhoo enough of that!
No food for me today, just booze! and tomorrow is i THINK 200 calories? I have to double check, but most of my calories i plan on having will come from veggies to make up for today. and i want to stick to around 100 or lower, just like day 1

JAZ!
I SEEN YOUR COMMENT! SO SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN ONLINE!
I AM GOING TO KEEP MY MSN ON ALL THE TIME FROM NOW ON! HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER! CHIN UP! AND I HOPE TO TALK TO YOU LATER ON TONIGHT GORGEOUS!

Cant stay awayyy! ABC

I CANT DO IT!
I cant stay away hahah. I love reading blogs and i love updating my blog.

I've been doing good! (surprisingly). I started the ABC yesterday, which is the first time I'm trying it, i use to think it was kind of stupid for some reason, i usually like to go with the flow with my eating (in moderation obviously), but i never actually LOOKED at the ABC plan, and i actually like it! It's all low calorie days, it switches daily to keep your metabolism going, and its apparently really hard and challenging! so i thought to myself "PERFECT!".
I like a good challenge. and this might be the thing to get me out of my B/P cycle because i always hear people saying they can't make it for the full 50 days, so i want to be one of the people that did hahah.

Yesterday was a 500 calorie day and i had:
- 1 Apple cut into slices: 80 calories. I had this at 10pm.
- 10 ice breaker candies: It says zero calories, but PLEASE! 10 calories.
- 1 piece of sugar free gum: 4 calories (The Stride Mystery Flavor... btw the flavor is some citrusy shit.. I'm still trying to figure it out lmao)
Total= 94 calories.

Today i tried to have a little closer to the 500 calorie limit, because tomorrow is 300 calories and it just gets lower, and if i restrict to under 100 calories for like the first week of the ABC i will most likely binge earlier. So i am trying to be smart here!

Today was another 500 calorie day and i had:
- Yogurt: 35 Calories.
- 1 Cherry Cheese Cake Lollipop: 100 Calories.
- Plain Salad from those bags: 55 Calories.
- 1 Tootsie Pop: 45 Calories.
Total = 235 Calories.

I actually thought it would have been less....
BUT POINT IS! I didn't go over 500 so i need to think positive and keep telling myself i did good today. plus i WANTED to get closer to 500.
Most of my calories came from the two lollipops today anyways...
I hope i can keep this up, i can feel my stomach shrinking, it feels tighter. I haven't weighed myself in a few days I'm saving that for maybe Saturday or Sunday morning, hopefully i will be under 106, because I'm guessing I'm around 108-109lbs right now. (BLAH)
I've been running more, and using one of those pedometer things that count your steps and how many calories you burn.
I'm REALLY trying this time, lets hope i can go longer then 3 days this time. Since last time i failed miserably after the third day of restricting hahaha. But I'm good! I believe in myself this time! I NEED to get out of the B/P cycle sometime in my life so why the hell not now!

PLUS! I Got a new ipod touch since i lost my last one on a drunken night, so i have a bunch of new weight loss apps and apps that list low calorie foods from grocery stores and stuff, i am also writing out what I'm eating everyday in this fancy little book i got that includes a calculator INSIDE! fuck yes.
So I'm prepared this time hahah, I'm also trying to think ahead about what to eat for the next day, like tomorrow is a 300 calories day so i will probably have something like ...

Tuna Sandwich
- Can of flavored tuna (90)
- Two slices of 40 calorie bread (80)
= 170 calories

Apple - 80 Calories
2 Cups of Salad - 45
Grand Total = 295

Ehhhhh.. or something a long those lines hahah.
Maybe some egg whites and hot sauce instead of the tuna sandwich, or just the tuna without the bread so i can fit in a rice cake or something. i need to be able to stay somewhat full throughout the days, but not uncomfortably full.

I'VE GOT LOTS OF PLANNING TO DO TONIGHT! I CANNOT FUCK THIS UP!

OH and some good news aside from the whole food bizznesssss. I finally got enrolled in school so i can finish my credits, I'm suppose to be done high school, but I'm not a fan of the whole school system thing, and then they tried to make me go back ANOTHER year (that would have been TWO school victory laps people) to get more credits. But instead now, i go to this building every Wednesday, pick up some work, come home, do the work whenever i want, as long as i bring it back the next Wednesday.
So everything is pretty good right now. :) Can't complain to much... yet hahaha.


I am going to go look at some thinspo, read wasted and some blogs and play with my ipod, drink some coke zero and sort shit out for tomorrow!

toodles.

Fail..

She throws up whatever she eats, leaves the bathroom with a nose bleed.

Today was really bad food wise.
Binged like mad basically all day.. AHH! i hate myself so much for it, my chest starting aching really bad while purging and i got really bad stomach pains too (but i think that might have been from laxatives hahah). Anyways, I didn't even want to binge! well who does... But i mean i REALLY didn't want to, but i bought some candy from the dollar store, like lollipops and these marshmallow candy type things, all fairly low calories, but then as i was eating some i started to feel really shitty and i tried to purge but i couldn't because their wasn't enough food inside me and its hard to throw up like 4 marshmallows and a couple lollipops, and my dad made stir-fry (AHHHH MY WEAKNESS!) so right when everyone was out of my house i ate like a mad man and then threw up,promised myself that was the only time today. but nope. of course it wasn't.

ugh! weak weak weak!

I was doing so well today too! I put some veggies in the microwave to steam them and then i took them out and lost my appetite so i put them back in the fridge, i eventually came back to them a few hours later but my control was getting stronger and stronger, now i feel like i just took a huge step back. but! Its three step forward and one step back, tomorrow i will take my three steps forward. At least i can look on the bright side... i ate most of my food which leaves only so much for the next few days. and today i bought walden farms zero calorie caramel dip which i usually just eat like pudding, and i bought zero calorie chocolate and strawberry sauce....still not sure what i will put it on but it could come in handy eventually lol. So i refuse to make a habit out of the binging and purging again. Tomorrow (technically today since its 4:30am) is a fresh start. I really wish i could fast today... and i might give it a shot...you know what, fuck it! (remember my first post!) i AM fasting today. Why the fuck not eh! Cross your fingers for me boys and gals.

OH!
My aunt and uncle are coming down from Toronto next weekend,last time they seen me was last summer i was probably only about 15-20lbs heavier but that's kind of when my anorexia REALLY started and i stopped eating (*tear* I miss those days..) and THEY knew that, i remember my aunt gave me her treadmill if i took a bite of a fish, and of course i did it. fuck who cares! treadmill for what! like 5 calories hahaha awesome deal I'd say! and that whole summer when i was in Toronto i only ate basically celery and cucumbers because i was a bridesmaid for my cousins wedding and i desperately wanted to be skinny and i wanted to person to have to take in my dress for each dress fitting. Needless to say, they all "know" i have a problem, my aunt even said "Shes turning anorexic!" to my mom and i ahahah.
So my point is, i want to be SUPER skinny for when they come.I mean, if they think i have a problem might as well LOOK like i have a problem.
Plus my cousin seen recent pictures of me on facebook and told my mom she was worried about me. hahaha PLEASE! if she thinks i look skinny now she is being absolutely ridiculous! and over exaggerating. i mean. COME ON!
Do i sound nuts? of course i do.
But that's my motivation for this week. I want to get down to at least 100lbs, so that gives me a week to lose around 7lbs since i probably gained a pound from all the binging today. Anyways. I am going to shut my mouth now. If you don't hear from me for the next couple days, that's because i want to some back in a few days and post a message with GOOD news saying i weigh 102-103lbs.

Oh and here's a recipe tip for you guys that i did today before i went completely down hill:
Buy low fat Cool Whip or Whipped Cream whatever its called, and put it in a mug,
Slap that bad boy in the freezer, and VWALA, Ice cream! Low calorie! Same texture, and tastes really good. I actually used the walden farm Strawberry AND chocolate sauce over top of it. yum yum! Test it out if you ever get an ice cream craving. you save hundreds of calories

Anyways lovely's. It's nearing 5am so i am going to end this post and read a book or something. If you don't hear from me in a few days don't worry! I am just trying to get thin and beautiful! I will hurry the process up ahahah I'm hoping 3days tops. 3-4lbs in 3-4 days is doable!

I'm not weighing myself until Tuesday..

I LOVE YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
muah!

WHAT THE FUUUCK!!

Okay what in the fuck!
I went to bed last night with my stomach growling, and with a good feeling about this morning. Went to sleep at around 3:30am and just woke up now at 11:am. Took a wizz and then weighed myself... 106.5! WHAT THE HELL! I LOST .1 POUND?! ugh this is getting ridiculous! under 500 calories for 3 days and I've only lost like 1lb!! I'm really frustrated..
I am only going to eat steamed veggies today, now that I'm able to control binge urges again, and now that I've learned to feed off my hunger and learn to love it again.
So steamed veggies and sugar free gum today, and diet coke and water and slim quick zero calorie juice and laxatives (LOTS OF LAXATIVES) and green tea. and i need to do more exercise, AND purge whatever goes in.
I cant believe it though...when i got down to 97lbs not to long ago i barely exercised, now i am running everyday and I'm barely losing! So i am going to play my wii fit all day, then go on my treadmill, and then go out for a run and do some jump rope. and then HOPEFULLY tomorrow i will be fucking 105lbs at least. because i am getting SICK of seeing 106 on the damn scales and I'm getting even more sick of losing POINT ONE pound a day.

KILLLLLL MEEEE NOOWWWWWWWWWW

I am going to make myself a green tea then go out for a morning run...

hurl!
That's an old picture of me i found last night on a really really old Myspace (i don't even use Myspace anymore hahah) Look at my boobs! I always thought my boobs were the same size as they always were. but looking at this picture i noticed they are THANKFULLY smaller. I would rather lose .1lb a day then gain .1lb a day and look like that tub of lard again.