YESYESYES!

FUCK YEAH I'M ECSTATIC!

I JUST WEIGHED MYSELF FOR THE FOURTH TIME TODAY AND I'M DOWN 106.8 ALREADY! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYA!

:)

Tomorrow i will hopefully be down 105lbs! ALMOST BACK TO 100! But I'm getting a little ahead of myself hahah
I just need to keep this up! What in the fuck was i thinking binging and purging all the time! I forgot how GOOD this feels! To actually LOSE weight instead of gain, to feel pure and lighter.
My sternum bones are peaking out again. WEO!
Stomach is flatter, but i still have that damn belly and pouch from purging. My arms are still flabby and don't even get me started on my legs. But I'm in the right direction!

I plan on beating my record of 97lbs, i will keep getting lower and lower, instead of lower lower higher higher higher.

I refuse to look like this again...

Shudders...
There's some reverse thinspo. LOOK AT THOSE ARMS! ugh. No wonder i still have problems with my arms, they were always one of the grossest parts of my body. that and my legs of course.

I'm still purging, I purged Three times today (all the stuff i ate was healthy). Almost blacked out the third time but i kept my composure.
But anywhoo.
Well. I am going to go drink a green tea, and play some video games and watch TV until everyone goes to bed so i can WORK OUT!
holy fuck. did i really say WORK OUT when everyone goes to sleep instead of BINGE.

I'm growing up :')

yo

Yoooo.
Well its almost 2pm and i already had 500 calories today haha, but i blame that on the fact i was up ALL night, so obviously i would be hungrier. and to be honest I'm surprised i didn't binge, well TECHNICALLY i did...but on healthy stuff, and i was counting calories as i was "binging" ahaha. Plus most of the calories came from crackers, i didn't eat anything unhealthy. i had frozen fruit, which is also where most of the calories came from, i had 2 rice cakes, 35 calorie cup-a-soup. and i was craving chocolate, and instead of eating these REALLY yummy looking "Mr.Big" (like the chocolate bar but in some snack type form) i made a 45 calorie hot chocolate to satisfy my chocolate craving.
I purged all of this.

If i feel like eating later i will probably go to sleep or play some video games, but i think I'm good for the day lol. I'm just happy i didn't go over my limit.
AND i waited until 12pm to start eating lol.

I'm sticking to my rules, and my word.
No more junk food, no more binging, I'm going to lose weight and get back in control. I exercised a shit load today also, went jogging at like 7am and will go on my treadmill tonight and do some more sit ups and jumping jacks, and i will lift some weights and possibly go out for another jog outside tonight.

So next time you guys feel weak, or feel like you are going to give into chocolate, or pizza or another food you love just think "Fuck obviously i can go without it if Sosic can!" because clearly from my previous posts, I'm a binge-a-holic. lol

FOODS EVIL GUYS! IT TRICKS YOU, IT PRETENDS TO BE ALL SWEET AND NICE, THEN WHEN YOU EAT IT, IT TURNS ON YOU AND MAKES YOU FEEL AWFUL AND MAKES YOU FAT!

I'm going to go take some laxatives now...

Tell me how you are all doing! I WANA KNOW!

Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

6:30 am and i have had 30 minutes of sleep all night.
I can't sleep! and I'm exhausted, i exercised last night and barely ate a thing, my eyes are burning! but i cant sleep!
I think its because i have so much running through my head like "what am i going to eat today" or "what if i fail" I'm so anxious to get to 70lbs (my original goal weight was 85lbs until i seen an episode of Dr. Phil where the girl was my height and 70lbs, and what she looks like at 70lbs is what i was hoping to look like at 85...) anyways..
My mind is racing, all i can think about is food and numbers and i cant sleep.

I weighed myself a few minutes ago and i was a disgusting 107lbs, NOW i realize if i slept i would probably be around 105-106lbs so i am trying not to get even more anxious then i already am, i will just keep thinking "107" all day when i want to eat something gross. and i was 108lbs two days ago.. so at least i lost right... ugh its not good enough, it will never be good enough!

I am going to the grocery store with my dad at probably around 11:30 -12pm. and i want to get a bag of frozen fruit, and take a look around and see what else i should get. Maybe some rice cakes? Crackers? Meatless meat? ugh i don't know. I don't want this stuff in my house... if i don't get it at all i cant eat it...
The bag of fruit is a for sure thing though, i plan on just picking at it through out the day.

I feel like I'm going crazy..

I think I'm going to make myself a black coffee to give me a boost in my energy, then I'm going to go for a morning jog.
I will update later :)

New update.

I'm trying to update as much as possible to make up for the lack of posts hahah. plus its helping me.

Okay well. its 10:30pm and i haven't eaten since 6. I'm SO fucking cold! and my nail beds are like purple, but it's okay.
I'm watching Supersize vs. Superskinny, I'm lucky to get it on my TV since its usually only in the U.K! and seeing the morbidly obese girl is grossing me out, this show is unbelievable motivation, its both reverse thinspo and thinspo. and it showed a video of a guy who was 52 stone. i didn't even know how much that was, so i Googled it to pounds and its almost 800lbs!! holyyyyyyyyyyyyy fuckk!!! i feel bad for him though, once you are that high in your weight its so hard to lose weight since i imagine he can barely move let alone exercise.

I bought a pack of gum but i can't bring myself to have a piece, i know its not FOOD but i feel guilty having a piece after 6pm so i guess im just sticking to my Coke Zero hahaha. i even gave a bunch of pieces of my gum out to others, if i cant enjoy it, might as well let other people!

I'm really enjoying the hunger. I finally feel successful, and in control again. Lets hope i can keep this up.

So far so good.

Hey guys!
So i did really fucking good today, stuck to my plan exactly. I had my jello at 2:30 and while i was eating it a bunch of things people said to me in the past flew into my head for some reason. "You're ugly", "you're fat", "you're stupid". You know,the small things that really get to you. I ended up leaving some of the jello behind,now i am currently eating 2 celery stalks cut into pieces and dipping in walden farms salad dressing. but its almost 6pm, oh scratch that. it just hit 6pm and i set some rules for myself:

- No food before 1pm.
- No food after 6pm .
- Leave food on plate.
- 500 Calorie Limit.

So since it just hit 6pm i am leaving the rest of the celery on my plate. I am full anyways. I didn't even want the jello or the celery, but i forced myself to eat it anyways even though i wasn't hungry, because it will just keep me fuller longer and prevent me from binging tonight. I can already feel the celery come up my throat i am swallowing constantly to keep it down. But i don't want to purge it because I'm afraid i will get hungry later, or I'm afraid i will like the feeling i get from purging and want to binge. So I'm trying my hardest to keep it down!

I'm about to chug back a coke zero and then carry on working on this thing I'm doing to waste time and keep me from eating, I'm going on www.hungry-girl.com (awesome site) and just copying and pasting all the low calorie snacks and then writing out all the nutrition information and printing it off. My mom thinks I'm obsessed. and my brother thinks I'm weird for doing it, i have to agree with them both ahahha.
but GOOD NEWS! i wont be binging for sure later because my brother has his friend over and they sleep in the living room which is near the kitchen, and i hate people hearing me get food, or eating so it will keep me out of the kitchen for sure.

So shit is going good today, i plan on keeping it up because i don't feel quite as dirty or contaminated as i would if i binged. and my dad bought pizza for dinner and it looks nasty. super greasy and cheesy, usually i would be all over that pizza hahah but not today, today i am pointing out the worst of the pizza.I can just imagine taking that one bite and feeling it creep down my torn up throat and the fat latching onto every part of my body. Doesn't sound so delicious, i don't know what i am usually thinking when i eat that shit.

Ugh and i found gross pictures of me when i was fatter. It shocks me how i haven't even lost that much in the 5 years of my eating disorder (even though it just got serious the past 3 years, and i have had a lot of ups and downs with my weight). but it just makes me feel like i should work harder. and that's just what I'm going to do!

Todays the Day

Todays my fresh start, i went to bed at 5am and woke up at 10pm, and then eventually fell back asleep and woke up close to 2pm, and i had planned to eat a yogurt at 1:30pm but since i slept in I'm skipping it.i have a jello planned for 2:30pm which is in 4 minutes hahah. so i will have had 5 calories for today. Then i plan on drinking more water and less diet soda throughout the day.

Then i am going to go for a walk later on tonight.

I don't have much to say yet, my stomach is on the verge of growling which is good! I'm making myself love the hunger again,like i said, i want to feed off of my hunger and that's exactly what i intend to do. Get high off hunger.

I didn't weigh myself this morning because i feel to uncomfortable!so after hopefully doing good today i will feel better about weighing myself tomorrow morning, and then i will weigh myself every morning to keep myself on track.
I'm also going to bust out my food scale and start weighing everything by the gram so i get the EXACT calories. I'm going to get really hardcore now because i am back to that stage of feeling unbelievably bad about myself, everything is so much bigger...flabbier...and just GROSS! i hate gaining weight because it makes me wonder what people think about me..

ANYWHOO!
I need to eat my jello now..that i don't even really want to eat, but i need to to prevent me from binging later on. So i have too..
Wish me luck guys, i swear on my life today everything changes.

I'm Lost.

Im a mess.
I haven't updated in a while, i have been feeling so depressed lately, so much shit has been going through my mind.
My binging and purging has been alright..i guess. I mean i don't remember the last time i binged all day AND night, well yesterday me and my bulimic friend got high and binged basically all day when it came down to purging i could barely get anything up because lately those gland thingy's in your throat have been SO swollen and painful, so when it came down to me purging it literally felt like my throat was going to explode, but i kept trying anyways. it just kept squirting out of my throat, it was not coming out as easily, AND THEN i got a massive headache so on top of it feeling like my throat was going to explode, the more pressure i put to try to purge the more it felt like my brain was going to blow up! It was excruciating. But i kept trying...
But i usually starve all day and then at around 12pm i binge...

Today i had less than a normal dinner then purged, i wanted to binge at around 11pm but managed to ignore it only till about 1am and i binged, but it wasn't SO bad... it was mostly cereal.
BLAH.
I just feel so...fake? I guess you could say fake. I just want to get back into restricting so bad, and i don't understand why its so hard if i want it so bad! I realized i only binge so i can get the high from purging, when i purge, once i get a certain amount up i get this light headedness and this euphoria that makes me feel like I'm floating. and i love that feeling. But i use to get the same feeling from restricting and fasting, but that's just so hard now. and i wish it wasn't. i feel so gross and normal...
I want to be THIN! i want to have people look at me and think "I feel bad for her". I don't want to be fat!
I cant even explain half the shit that's been going through my mind.

I was thinking about recovery...Like ACTUAL recovery, going away to a treatment center and stuff for my bulimia, just so then i could maybe learn to not binge and then slip back into anorexia when i was done treatment, but I'm not going to do that because
1. I'm to fat for recovery
2. It would be a waste of money to get recovery for one ED just to get another.

AHHHHHHHHHH!
but i wrote out a pretty decent diet for tomorrow that consists of breakfast, lunch and dinner. Its so funny though because i think what i have planned for me to eat tomorrow is too much, but i binge all the time and normally eat 10x more then what i have planned for myself. My plan for tomorrow is:

Breakfast: Yogurt (35calories)
Lunch: Jello (5calories)
Dinner: Celery

I need to stick to this. I got my period back this month for the first time in over a year! :'( That means I'm fat, healthy, disgusting, ugly... the list goes on. Not to mention i was 108lbs two days ago :'( EVERYTHING IS GOING SO DAMN BAD!
The period thing is enough to make me starve myself for the rest of my life. My period scares the hell out of me.
I bought a Weight Watchers scale the other day for 50 dollars, it says BMI, Bone mass, Weight, Water weight. its a pretty fancy thing hahaha. I was going to buy The Biggest Loser scale that says starting weight, and then subtracts how much you lose and shit, and you can set a goal weight. I kind of wish i got that one, but the BMI on the Weight Watchers scale kind of reeled me in. I want it to say underweight, i haven't even used my new scale yet because i will probably bust it if i step on it because I'm a pig.

OH and i had a total of 6 purge bowls (some empty, some full) under my bed, and yet again my parents took them while i was gone (I'M 18 YOU DOUCHEBAGS!) but instead of not talking to them (seeing as how that didn't work last time) i just acted like i didn't care. and really, i don't. i mean, if they think that's going to stop me clearly they are wrong. They even HID the bowls! ALL SIX OF THEM! but i found one, and I'm using its right in front of me, filled to the top as i type this hahah.

I'm exhausted, i feel hopeless, and weak. i feel depressed, stressed, and just dtghdugfs! I cant really explain everything that's going through my head because i don't even know whats wrong with me...
I'm tired of binging (but not purging), my throat is the size of a tree trunk its so swollen, my teeth feel like they are going to break, I'm huge...

But i can change all this... i hope. I WANT TO BE THIN! I want to show people how strong i am, i want people to see i don't need food. I'm sure by now the people reading this blog are thinking "She's said she was going to stop binging and purging 1000 times, shes hopeless. i don't want to read about someones fails constantly". Well I promise i will try harder,i will ignore cravings and urges, i will learn to feed off of my hunger, i will learn to get high off of starving myself. I did it before i sure as hell can do it again.
I've been drinking a lot of green tea lately aswell. Just throwing that out there.

Anyways, it's almost 5am. I am going to write down a bunch of low calorie snacks and stuff.