Holy shit...

I had a slice of pizza...
The pizza you buy at the grocery store...like Delicio pizza or whatever, ONE slice. i flipped out, I SAID I WOULDN'T EAT! :( WHY WOULD I EAT IT!

I threw it up.
Seen black spots everywhere.
Passed out.

Alone in my room on the floor, passed out for i don't now how long.
I don't know HOW i passed out! Its only been two days of "severe" restricting, probably because i haven't actually kept any food inside me for months, which still sounds shameful to me (the actually eating part).
At least i threw up the pizza and alcohol right...
Ugh i feel so fat! and bloated! WHY DID I EAT THAT PIZZA! no no, better yet, WHY DID I DRINK THE ALCOHOL!
If i just had that ONE slice of pizza i wouldn't feel as gross right now, but i had 1140 calories of just booze in me, TONS of sugar because that alcohol contained a lot of it, so on top of that i had a fucking slice of pizza...

I am tearing up right now, because i wanted to get through the whole ABC no fuck ups...but i fucked up...as usual...
I want to fast tomorrow so bad.. so so bad...
Why did i eat...I haven't felt this bad for eating something unhealthy in forever...well without binging..

AHH! Tomorrow is 400 calories, not 200. I just checked. I am going to eat 200, well probably less but 200 is my limit. Fuck it, 150 is my limit. I am going to try to fast but if i feel like i am going to cave in i will have a salad, or yogurt, or rice cake...

IM SO FAT! :'( !
This is why i haven't left my house to hang out with friends in weeks, because i will either drink or smoke weed which results in me eating! I shouldn't have got the alcohol today.. i shouldn't have drank!
NEVER AGAIN!
untill i am 85lbs i am not touching alcohol or weed again in case i eat.
I would rather be thin then fucked up.
In control instead of fucked up.
I am already fucked up as it is..

Someone make me feel better :(
I feel like an absolute failure...well i should..because i am..

I am never going to be skinny or beautiful... why do i keep trying...

Update+ JAZ!!

Today is day three which equals 300 calories.
Well it is 6:30pmand i haven't eaten yet, and i don't plan on it since i am drinking tonight! I only bought 4 Vodka Chocolate Mudshakes, which are 285 calories in one, so that's 1140 calories.
GAH!
I have only drank one so far, so technically i am still under the 300 calorie limit... and i could stop. But whats the point...
I will probably drink tonight, not eat, and then tomorrow just carry on with the ABC since i haven't eaten today and don't plan on it.

Its kind of frustrating but liquid is better then solids... Plus i plan on exercising tonight, and i have been doing PRETTTYYY good the past few days. my stomach DEFINETELY shrunk, after drinking ONE Mudshake im really full, all the sugar in the drink is probably filling me up. I feel gross, but i will be drunk soon enough and not care as much. The only reason im drinking is family from Toronto came down tonight and they drink all the time. SPECIAL OCCASION! lol first thing my aunt said was

"Holy shit you are so skinny now!"
and like i said in a previous post, they know i have a "problem" since last year (the last time they seen me) i was starting to really get into restricting and only eating a few cucumber + celery pieces a day.

Dinner just rolled by (They are currently eating) and I'm not eating with them, as usual, and my gay uncle says
"Aren't you coming?" and i said
"No" Simple as that, i don't need to explain how i never eat dinner wth my family, how i dont like to eat around people, and how when i DO eat its later on at night by myself, which i then throw up. He then says
"Why are you so skinny lady! You are a bag of bones! My nickname use to be bones, but i think you beat me!"
and i say
"Hahahah yeah right man, I'm not even close. I am the same as i was last year at the wedding"
And i really do think i am the same, so I'm not lying!

Anywhoo enough of that!
No food for me today, just booze! and tomorrow is i THINK 200 calories? I have to double check, but most of my calories i plan on having will come from veggies to make up for today. and i want to stick to around 100 or lower, just like day 1

JAZ!
I SEEN YOUR COMMENT! SO SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN ONLINE!
I AM GOING TO KEEP MY MSN ON ALL THE TIME FROM NOW ON! HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER! CHIN UP! AND I HOPE TO TALK TO YOU LATER ON TONIGHT GORGEOUS!

Cant stay awayyy! ABC

I CANT DO IT!
I cant stay away hahah. I love reading blogs and i love updating my blog.

I've been doing good! (surprisingly). I started the ABC yesterday, which is the first time I'm trying it, i use to think it was kind of stupid for some reason, i usually like to go with the flow with my eating (in moderation obviously), but i never actually LOOKED at the ABC plan, and i actually like it! It's all low calorie days, it switches daily to keep your metabolism going, and its apparently really hard and challenging! so i thought to myself "PERFECT!".
I like a good challenge. and this might be the thing to get me out of my B/P cycle because i always hear people saying they can't make it for the full 50 days, so i want to be one of the people that did hahah.

Yesterday was a 500 calorie day and i had:
- 1 Apple cut into slices: 80 calories. I had this at 10pm.
- 10 ice breaker candies: It says zero calories, but PLEASE! 10 calories.
- 1 piece of sugar free gum: 4 calories (The Stride Mystery Flavor... btw the flavor is some citrusy shit.. I'm still trying to figure it out lmao)
Total= 94 calories.

Today i tried to have a little closer to the 500 calorie limit, because tomorrow is 300 calories and it just gets lower, and if i restrict to under 100 calories for like the first week of the ABC i will most likely binge earlier. So i am trying to be smart here!

Today was another 500 calorie day and i had:
- Yogurt: 35 Calories.
- 1 Cherry Cheese Cake Lollipop: 100 Calories.
- Plain Salad from those bags: 55 Calories.
- 1 Tootsie Pop: 45 Calories.
Total = 235 Calories.

I actually thought it would have been less....
BUT POINT IS! I didn't go over 500 so i need to think positive and keep telling myself i did good today. plus i WANTED to get closer to 500.
Most of my calories came from the two lollipops today anyways...
I hope i can keep this up, i can feel my stomach shrinking, it feels tighter. I haven't weighed myself in a few days I'm saving that for maybe Saturday or Sunday morning, hopefully i will be under 106, because I'm guessing I'm around 108-109lbs right now. (BLAH)
I've been running more, and using one of those pedometer things that count your steps and how many calories you burn.
I'm REALLY trying this time, lets hope i can go longer then 3 days this time. Since last time i failed miserably after the third day of restricting hahaha. But I'm good! I believe in myself this time! I NEED to get out of the B/P cycle sometime in my life so why the hell not now!

PLUS! I Got a new ipod touch since i lost my last one on a drunken night, so i have a bunch of new weight loss apps and apps that list low calorie foods from grocery stores and stuff, i am also writing out what I'm eating everyday in this fancy little book i got that includes a calculator INSIDE! fuck yes.
So I'm prepared this time hahah, I'm also trying to think ahead about what to eat for the next day, like tomorrow is a 300 calories day so i will probably have something like ...

Tuna Sandwich
- Can of flavored tuna (90)
- Two slices of 40 calorie bread (80)
= 170 calories

Apple - 80 Calories
2 Cups of Salad - 45
Grand Total = 295

Ehhhhh.. or something a long those lines hahah.
Maybe some egg whites and hot sauce instead of the tuna sandwich, or just the tuna without the bread so i can fit in a rice cake or something. i need to be able to stay somewhat full throughout the days, but not uncomfortably full.

I'VE GOT LOTS OF PLANNING TO DO TONIGHT! I CANNOT FUCK THIS UP!

OH and some good news aside from the whole food bizznesssss. I finally got enrolled in school so i can finish my credits, I'm suppose to be done high school, but I'm not a fan of the whole school system thing, and then they tried to make me go back ANOTHER year (that would have been TWO school victory laps people) to get more credits. But instead now, i go to this building every Wednesday, pick up some work, come home, do the work whenever i want, as long as i bring it back the next Wednesday.
So everything is pretty good right now. :) Can't complain to much... yet hahaha.


I am going to go look at some thinspo, read wasted and some blogs and play with my ipod, drink some coke zero and sort shit out for tomorrow!

toodles.

Fail..

She throws up whatever she eats, leaves the bathroom with a nose bleed.

Today was really bad food wise.
Binged like mad basically all day.. AHH! i hate myself so much for it, my chest starting aching really bad while purging and i got really bad stomach pains too (but i think that might have been from laxatives hahah). Anyways, I didn't even want to binge! well who does... But i mean i REALLY didn't want to, but i bought some candy from the dollar store, like lollipops and these marshmallow candy type things, all fairly low calories, but then as i was eating some i started to feel really shitty and i tried to purge but i couldn't because their wasn't enough food inside me and its hard to throw up like 4 marshmallows and a couple lollipops, and my dad made stir-fry (AHHHH MY WEAKNESS!) so right when everyone was out of my house i ate like a mad man and then threw up,promised myself that was the only time today. but nope. of course it wasn't.

ugh! weak weak weak!

I was doing so well today too! I put some veggies in the microwave to steam them and then i took them out and lost my appetite so i put them back in the fridge, i eventually came back to them a few hours later but my control was getting stronger and stronger, now i feel like i just took a huge step back. but! Its three step forward and one step back, tomorrow i will take my three steps forward. At least i can look on the bright side... i ate most of my food which leaves only so much for the next few days. and today i bought walden farms zero calorie caramel dip which i usually just eat like pudding, and i bought zero calorie chocolate and strawberry sauce....still not sure what i will put it on but it could come in handy eventually lol. So i refuse to make a habit out of the binging and purging again. Tomorrow (technically today since its 4:30am) is a fresh start. I really wish i could fast today... and i might give it a shot...you know what, fuck it! (remember my first post!) i AM fasting today. Why the fuck not eh! Cross your fingers for me boys and gals.

OH!
My aunt and uncle are coming down from Toronto next weekend,last time they seen me was last summer i was probably only about 15-20lbs heavier but that's kind of when my anorexia REALLY started and i stopped eating (*tear* I miss those days..) and THEY knew that, i remember my aunt gave me her treadmill if i took a bite of a fish, and of course i did it. fuck who cares! treadmill for what! like 5 calories hahaha awesome deal I'd say! and that whole summer when i was in Toronto i only ate basically celery and cucumbers because i was a bridesmaid for my cousins wedding and i desperately wanted to be skinny and i wanted to person to have to take in my dress for each dress fitting. Needless to say, they all "know" i have a problem, my aunt even said "Shes turning anorexic!" to my mom and i ahahah.
So my point is, i want to be SUPER skinny for when they come.I mean, if they think i have a problem might as well LOOK like i have a problem.
Plus my cousin seen recent pictures of me on facebook and told my mom she was worried about me. hahaha PLEASE! if she thinks i look skinny now she is being absolutely ridiculous! and over exaggerating. i mean. COME ON!
Do i sound nuts? of course i do.
But that's my motivation for this week. I want to get down to at least 100lbs, so that gives me a week to lose around 7lbs since i probably gained a pound from all the binging today. Anyways. I am going to shut my mouth now. If you don't hear from me for the next couple days, that's because i want to some back in a few days and post a message with GOOD news saying i weigh 102-103lbs.

Oh and here's a recipe tip for you guys that i did today before i went completely down hill:
Buy low fat Cool Whip or Whipped Cream whatever its called, and put it in a mug,
Slap that bad boy in the freezer, and VWALA, Ice cream! Low calorie! Same texture, and tastes really good. I actually used the walden farm Strawberry AND chocolate sauce over top of it. yum yum! Test it out if you ever get an ice cream craving. you save hundreds of calories

Anyways lovely's. It's nearing 5am so i am going to end this post and read a book or something. If you don't hear from me in a few days don't worry! I am just trying to get thin and beautiful! I will hurry the process up ahahah I'm hoping 3days tops. 3-4lbs in 3-4 days is doable!

I'm not weighing myself until Tuesday..

I LOVE YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
muah!

WHAT THE FUUUCK!!

Okay what in the fuck!
I went to bed last night with my stomach growling, and with a good feeling about this morning. Went to sleep at around 3:30am and just woke up now at 11:am. Took a wizz and then weighed myself... 106.5! WHAT THE HELL! I LOST .1 POUND?! ugh this is getting ridiculous! under 500 calories for 3 days and I've only lost like 1lb!! I'm really frustrated..
I am only going to eat steamed veggies today, now that I'm able to control binge urges again, and now that I've learned to feed off my hunger and learn to love it again.
So steamed veggies and sugar free gum today, and diet coke and water and slim quick zero calorie juice and laxatives (LOTS OF LAXATIVES) and green tea. and i need to do more exercise, AND purge whatever goes in.
I cant believe it though...when i got down to 97lbs not to long ago i barely exercised, now i am running everyday and I'm barely losing! So i am going to play my wii fit all day, then go on my treadmill, and then go out for a run and do some jump rope. and then HOPEFULLY tomorrow i will be fucking 105lbs at least. because i am getting SICK of seeing 106 on the damn scales and I'm getting even more sick of losing POINT ONE pound a day.

KILLLLLL MEEEE NOOWWWWWWWWWW

I am going to make myself a green tea then go out for a morning run...

hurl!
That's an old picture of me i found last night on a really really old Myspace (i don't even use Myspace anymore hahah) Look at my boobs! I always thought my boobs were the same size as they always were. but looking at this picture i noticed they are THANKFULLY smaller. I would rather lose .1lb a day then gain .1lb a day and look like that tub of lard again.

Cigarettes and Green Tea.

UPDATE.

Okay its midnight and i avoided a binge.
I was only going to binge because I'm so use to binging at midnight when everyone goes to sleep, and i KNEW that so i lit up a smoke instead (Don't worry, I've always smoked) and put the ash tray on the table infront of me so every time i went to ash my smoke i leaned forward and snuck in some sit up type things haha and now my want to binge is gone and my stomach is still growling.

I am about to make myself a green tea then go out for a run and do some jump rope.
I'm starting to get black outs when i stand up and get a little dizzy even just sitting. I am getting high off hunger and its the best high EVER.
I've taken some laxatives to cleanse my body of the gross stuff i ate today which by the way was:

1 rice cake (45) and 2 pickles (5), i left half of each pickles and a quarter of the rice cake.
7 crackers (49) and 1 slice of meatless bologna (20)
Jello (5)
Tuna Sandwich, made with 2 slices of 40 calorie bread (80) and a tin of flavored tuna (90)
Total = 294

That's not including the 45 calories from the mints and some gum so around 400 and something calories.
BLAH.

Well. I am going to go make some green tea then work off the shit load of calories i had and then hopefully fall asleep because my body is exhausted!

Every ounce of fat is my defeat.

Jeez the third day is the easiest.

I was only 106.6 this morning so it didn't go down to much but its still better then 108, but its not good enough.
I planned on only having 200 calories today but i went over, i had about 350 calories. Its still under 500 though so whatever... and plus 45 of those calories were from 1 calorie mints. I feel fat as fuck.. and like a failure, i can never stick to the calorie intake i have planned, BUT i am trying to get out of my bulimia. baby steps my friends, baby steps. I had today planned out perfectly but woke up at 4pm so my whole plan was thrown off, but tomorrow i plan on having:

Breakfast: Yogurt (35) OR Jello (5)
Lunch: Beef Cup-a-Soup (35)
Lunch: Bowl of steamed veggies not to sure of the calories I'm just going to say 40 to be safe.
So a total of 80-110 calories. not including sugar free gum.

THIS JUST IN!!!!!!!!!!
I JUST SEEN A COMMERCIAL FOR "EXTRA: DESSERT GUM"
NO FUCKING WAY!
That shit better be sold in Canada hahaha. 5 calorie per piece, that's way better then 500+ for the actual dessert itself.

I bought a pack of cinnamon mints (1 calorie per mint) and i bought double bubble candy gum, 60 calories per 8 pieces, so i put 8 pieces in a bunch of different ziplock bags. and i bought those watermelon candy things, 140 calories per 13 pieces, and i also put 13 pieces in ziplock bags. This way i wont go over the calorie amount for the candies, plus i don't plan on eating all 13 or 8 pieces in a day.
and of course i bought Sugar free gum.
I usually don't even eat candy, but i figure instead of binging have a piece of candy would be better then having 1000+ calories.

So i have been running a lot, and now i can barely walk because i pulled the muscle on the back of BOTH calves, so i need to try and figure something out, i will probably suck it up through the pain and run anyways, i have also been sticking to a green tea a day (or two). So i haven't been doing to bad! Haven't been losing as much weight as i had hoped but hopefully tomorrow i will be 104-105lbs.

i want to be 70lbs
i want to be 70lbs
i want to be 70lbs

I want to get down to 100lbs FAST. My thighs are like tree trunks and i can't stand looking at the fat on them for another damn day. I want liposuction. teehee.