Super Depressed.

As most of you guys could probably tell, i haven't exactly been "myself" lately. I have been feeling really depressed and hopeless.

I HAVE been exercising more, but my binging has basically been the same, i am so pathetic i went jogging today then binged when i got back :'( ,but i was 99lbs this morning which i GUESS isn't so bad...if you like being average. I don't even LOOK average, i swear my arms are growing right before my eyes, i still haven't talked to my parents. I actually ended up pushing my mom today, i was sitting in my room and she came in once again trying to get me to talk to her, i wasn't answering so she just walked in and started bugging the hell out of me then tried to hug me and get me to laugh, the more she tried the more pissed off i got, i yelled "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE" i then got up, and shoved her out the door and she says "your going to make me cry" (she wasnt serious, don't worry) i then slammed the door and went back in my room.

I have that feeling once again that i will never be good enough, good enough for my self, or anyone else. I will always be fat and out of control.
My throat is killing me and i have been abusing laxatives and diet pills like crazy just to at least maintain my 99lbs because i am terrified to get back into the 3 digits again...

I want to take a break from blogging for a few days, because i want to come back in a few days and say "I lost weight!".
I want to desperately get back into my anorexic habits. Its time to switch one illness for another, I am going to do exactly what i use to do. Its going to be hard though, because then i didn't even WANT food, i struggled to finish a plain lettuce salad, i had CONTROL then, but the similarities from then and now, are i want the same thing...THIN, CONTROL, and so much more...
I realized that when i think I'm going to binge, i usually do. Like today, i ate an orange, but while eating that orange i thought "I'm going to binge, i know i will, i always do" so about 5 minutes after eating the orange i binged.
But i swear on my life i am done.

I am done with bulimia, with being fat and out of control, with feeling hopeless and useless, with being FAT and unhappy.
I would rather be thin and unhappy, then fat and unhappy.

Whats the point in eating if i still feel empty?

So, You may not here from me in a couple of days, I will be back to my TRUE self, the me that gets high off of starving and gets high off of the control. I am sick of my life right now...

i want to starve. i want to starve. i want to starve. i want to starve away my pain.

I am going to try a thing, where i eat zero calorie sugar packets instead of binge.
I don't want anyone to think I am a fake who is TRYING to "become" anorexic by the way. I went from Bulimia, To Full fledged Anorexia, To Binge Eater, To (currently) Full fledged Bulimic.
I miss normal...
What is normal...

Yoo

Hello.

Well i DID binge today, but obviously i purged and exercised for about 2 hours after wards and haven't touched food since (my binge was at about 5:30pm, its now 10pm) and I took 6 diet pills and drank only water. I am going to go on the treadmill soon too.

I haven't talked to my parents all day, so this is two days without saying a single word to them, i was down stairs for a bit when i first woke up, then my dad asked me a question and i just shrugged my shoulders and he was like "Fine don't talk to me see if i care" and i knew if i stayed down stairs any longer i would eventually get REALLY pissed off, so that's when i went up stairs and did my own thing, and exercised and stuff.
My mom tried talking to me a bunch of times but i just had that same pissed off look on my face and didn't even look at her, she was like "Cassandra, look, look, i wanna show you something look" and i didn't even glance or move my head. another time she was she opened my bedroom door while i was working out and was like "Hello!" and i slammed the door on her, and so then she was like "i was just trying to help and your not talking to me?!" Yes mom...invading my privacy and making me lose all trust in you is totally helping.
Then she went to bingo at 6:30pm until 9:30pm because she is an idiot and is losing all of our money going to bingo because she has a stupid gambling addiction, anyways, just now she opened my bedroom door and tried ONE more time to talk to me saying "hey..." (in a sad, quietish voice, because she is "hurt" I'm not talking to her) Once again i didn't say anything, Then she says "..Wheres your cat?", No reply. so she just closed the door.

I don't care if i ever talk to them again.
They have searched my room so many times in the past now i am just furious at them and cant wait to move out. I hate them. I hate them SO much! As if they think what they did was no big deal and "helpful". I could go on and on, but i cant even EXPLAIN how pissed off i am STILL about this whole situation.
I want to lose as much weight as i can to make them feel like shit about it all.
I cant wait for tomorrow so i can go another day ignoring them and hurt them even more. I want them to understand they cant just go through my shit while i am gone.

I hate my "parents".

Bad day.

Today was terrible.
As you know, basically right when i wake up i find out my parents search my room,blah blah blah. purge bowls found.NOT GOOD!
Then i binged and purged, felt absolutely disgusting and cut myself for the first time in a while, i broke down just crying, looking at myself in the mirror in disgust. I down 15 diet pills and 10 laxatives.

My brother then called and asked if i wanted to go to the movies with him and his girlfriend and watch "The Last Exorcism". Originally i said no because i felt like shit, but he was like "common!" so i went. I couldn't stop thinking about how gross i look, how i should be exercising instead of sitting down in the theater.
Stupid me, Right when i get home at midnight i binge again...

I feel so gross, Tomorrow is a new day. I am exhausted. like EXTREMELY, I've had no sleep, I've been crying, feeling depressed, and i just feel heavy and lazy, when i am done purging i am going to read a book in bed. Tomorrow i am going to focus more on exercise then anything. It seems like i am forgetting about that.
I wish i could go back in time to when i spent all day exercising and only ate ONE salad a day...I will start that after my fast tomorrow. The voice in my head is screaming "YOUR FAT"...

I just want out of this...

P.s I am not going to weigh myself tomorrow. I don't think i can handle it emotionally honestly...I know i must be up to at least 101lbs, just in 2 days!

I'm Pissed, Sad, Disapointed, etc.

Sorry for not updating last night, i went to my friends house (which i am never doing again), we had an okay night (it was my bulimic friend) I was doing so well yesterday, maintained at 97lbs all day. Then me and her binged (because yes...marijuana), She didn't purge after wards but i was like "No way in hell can i keep this in". The whole time i was thinking "how can you keep that all in! I would rather die then keep a binge inside".
After the purge i fell asleep, Right when i woke up this morning i felt disgust, failure, and disappointment, I told her i wanted to go home. So i walked home (Jogged part way) and when i got home, I discovered my purge bowl...
WASHED AND IN MY KITCHEN SINK!
I ran upstairs and checked under my futon in my room and BOTH purge bowls were gone.
I am fucking unbelievably pissed.
MY PARENTS SEARCHED MY ROOM WHILE I WAS GONE!
I am 18 fucking years old, and have absolutely no privacy in my fucking house for my stuff. They already know i purge, and they never really say anything, so why the hell do they suddenly decide to search my room! Like gee mom THANKS for cleaning my bowls and stuff, but come the fuck on! I was so pissed, and felt like i had absolutely no control or privacy in my house, i binged one last time, grabbed a new purge bowl and purged it all. That was about an hour ago, its almost 4pm now and i am starving the rest of the day and fasting tomorrow. If my parents don't want me purging, and don't have the decency to show me some privacy in my own damn bedroom while i am gone, then i wont purge, well i wont binge and purge, i will still purge small amounts because purging releases so much when i do it.

I am just fuming right now.
My mom came upstairs when she got home and tried saying Hello to me and having a normal conversation, i just kept my eyes glued to my computer and had a pissed off look on my face and didn't say anything to her, i haven't said anything to her or my dad since I've gotten home 3 hours ago. and i don't plan on saying anything. They still haven't brought anything up (as usual) but they know i know. They think i will just let it go, Not this time. I'm sick of being treated like a little kid, It's one thing to wish things were how they were back when i WAS a little kid, but fucking treating me like i have nothing that's rightfully mine, and nothing i can keep a secret, and invading my privacy is a whole other level. Who knows what else they looked through! I just want out! I am going to starve my self out of this world. I want them to think this is their fault. I hate my family!

So on top of all that bull shit, and the fact that it triggered me to starve and restrict so much more then i was due to lack of control and privacy and having nothing that's MINE but an eating disorder (which they are also slowly trying to take away apparently!)...
... I am probably up to around 99 fucking pounds again. I feel fatter then i ever have. I might as well weigh 200 pounds, That's what i feel like i weigh, 150lbs fat 50lbs failure from my recent binges. Ugh! I never should have left my fucking house. I would probably be 96lbs and my purge bowls would still be under my futon!

Kill me. Seriously, Someone just mail me a letter that self destructs when i open in.
Do me the favor PLEASE!

My mind is just racing right now. I feel like I'm in a prison, TWO! AT THE SAME TIME! WHICH ISN'T EVEN POSSIBLE! I'm a prisoner in my head, and my house. I thought your home and head were suppose to be the safest places? Now where do i go? How do i escape?
Oh right...starve.

Blah. I am going to read "Distorted" and then exercise my big fat legs are numb.

97lbs

I'm at my official lowest, not 96lbs like i had hoped! but 97lbs is better then 99lbs. I'm so cold. But I'll deal. I woke up at 9:00am today which is WAY to early for me, I'm so tired i want to go back to bed but since I am already up i doubt i will. My plan for today is a yogurt later, probably around 3pm. I don't have much to say right now since i just woke up. So i will just post some Thinspo this post!

Sweating my ass off.

I still haven't eaten all day, its now 11:30pm.
I was just on the exercise bike for only 15 minutes and I'm sweating so hardcore, I am now going to do about 20 minutes on the treadmill and then clean my room to burn extra calories.

I'm forcing myself to exercise tonight. I really want to be about 96lbs tomorrow.
I'm sweaty, exhausted, nauseous. and it feels good! I hope i will go to bed early tonight...

My whole life has been feeling like a dream..no no, a nightmare, lately. as if I'm out of my body and watching me do all this stupid shit. It doesn't feel real, probably because I am still thinking

"How could this happen to me?".

My brothers ex girlfriends mom died yesterday, she had a heart attack. She was 50 years old, the same age as my parents, now my mom is always talking about how she feels like she is going to die soon (shes already had scares with the side of her face going numb. stroke?), It's so sad, I wish people didn't grow old and die...I'm scared to death of my family dieing, of me dieing, of growing old! I wish i could go back to when i was little and keep it that way. Ugh. I'm sad. I'm going on the treadmill...

"Days are going by faster then i ever could keep up."

Day 3 Complete.

Well today was day Three of my fast, its 9:16pm and i haven't eaten all day. and i plan on keeping it that way. I made a water bottle full of Slimquick, and I've been sipping on the one all day i have a tiny bit left. I'm not very thirsty though. When everyone goes to bed, between 10-11pm, I'm going to exercise and then play some Super Mario, cause its been a while lol.

Nothing to interesting happened today, woke up at around 3:30pm and then had to go get an x-ray on my back and neck, and i was reading the book "Distorted" holy SHIT it's good! I couldn't put it down ahahha I'm already almost done! The book has a cool style of writing, it will be the mom talking and describing how she felt at the time of the situation and she will explain the situation through her eyes, etc. then it would show the daughters. and what makes it cooler is it's a true story, i recommend this book to anyone. I'm going to read more of it while I'm on the treadmill later.
I was 98lbs this morning, which means! I will be between 96-97lbs tomorrow, my official lowest! I'm excited, i know i wont look any different, but being under my lowest will just make me feel so much stronger, and make me think "why throw away all my hard work!". I get lightheaded and black out every time i stand up, but i just push through it. It just means I'm doing good. I haven't felt this good in a while, not good about myself, but i feel good that I'm DOING good. Tomorrow I will probably break my fast and have my usual yogurt.

Well. That's all for now folks, like i said not much happened today If i think of anything that I missed i will let you know! :)

Stay strong guys!