Thursday, November 11, 2010


It's midnight which means i officially have went two days with no food and barely any water,and TONS of walking and standing around in the cold basically all day.
I haven't weighed myself for a while, and i don't want to until the next 10 days are over, starting weight was 108,i am assuming i was at least 106 by now,i feel fucking great, my goal weight for when i weigh myself after 10 days is at least 100lbs, or fucking at least 102lbs.
Thats about all for brain is a little loopy at the moment.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


I got those pills today! I got 10 for free... i had to do some... inappropriate things for them, but i HAD do! I need to lose weight and i need to lose it now, i am going insane. I am FAT. That is the only word i can use to describe myself at the moment, FAT, EVERYWHERE! My arms, legs, love handles, my cheeks, collar bones, boobs, stomach, hands, FEET, ankles, wrists, back flab. Literally everywhere is covered.
I had an awful binge last night, and i did it because i thought i would have been able to fast today because i was suppose to get the pills LAST night, but plans changed and i binged for nothing. Today i got the pills and then ended up binging pretty bad again tonight, but at least this time i know for sure i can fast tomorrow, AND THE NEXT DAY AND THE NEXT DAY AND THE NEXT DAY!

I am hoping to lose 10lbs in the next 10lbs, which i think should be pretty reasonable, first couple days the pounds just fall off. I am going to weigh myself Friday, I was going to tomorrow but i am to scared, and i am going to fast tomorrow ONLY WATER! (Barely water, probably like less then half a bottle of water all day) tons of walking with my friend, and then exercise on my treadmill (which is now in my room!) for most of the night.
I don't know what my plan will be for the next 10 days, all i know is it will be mostly fasting and when i do eat it will be under 100 calories, like one salad, or one apple, or one jar of baby food, etc.

So excited, no lollipops, no gum, no NOTHING! God i cant wait until these 10 days are up and i can see if i have lost any weight, so i can feel a little better about myself because lately i have been feeling disgusted and miserable.
I hope to be 100lbs by next saturday, so around 10lbs since i am assuming i weigh around 110lbs now *HURL*...
ten days ten days ten days..
No food tomorrow.

Fuck i cant wait.
BYE BYE BULIMIA! this means no binging or PURGING (waahh) for 10 days (and longer) this will be hard (well not really), but it will be worth it. I am going to finish off november with a bang and enter december slimmer, and enjoy christmas nice and skinny. My goal for christmas is 90lbs. and now... i believe i can actually fucking do it thanks to these pills i have.
Pathetic? Maybe. But anything to be beautiful and skinny.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


Blah i woke up this morning because my stomach was KILLING me from all the laxatives i took before bed, the pain was almost unbearable.
So my day was shit literally from the second i woke up (hahah a pun..), anyways i woke up at 2:30pm and then my mom and dad got home at 3pm and we went to go look at a fucking house at 4:30pm.
I only went for something to do, and to criticize it. I basically just walked in the house and walked through the entire thing leaving my parents and the douche bag salesman guy in the dust, after i was done i stood at the front door turned to my dad and said "Bedrooms are to small, and the basement is shit. peace" the basement wasn't even done! and the rooms WERE small! my bedroom now is already almost to small to hold all my furniture, my bedroom is basically a living room,no beds just couches, mini fridge, table, 2 dressers, and my tv. how the hell is that all suppose to fit in a shack sized bedroom. then my dad says
"but did you see this! look!"
i look back in the "master bedroom" and there's a bathroom...really dad...REALLY! YOU ARE WILLING TO GIVE YOUR BULIMIC DAUGHTER THE MASTER BEDROOM WITH ITS OWN PERSONAL BATHROOM! awe shucks...thanks!
I looked at him with like a "are you serious" face and said "I don't want the fucking bathroom" then i turn to the real estate agent and say
"This house sucks" and i leave.

I have already decided to move out on my own when everything is official, but to be honest i don't think i am ready to live on my own, that means i have to find a job as fast as i can, then buy my house, it would be like waking up one morning and suddenly being an adult and having all these responsibilities. I am not even done school yet!


Its almost 6pm and i haven't eaten or drank anything yet. I don't really want anything either... Just drugs, i want something to numb my brain.
I am going to go smoke a cigg and then clean my room. then go out for a walk...after that who knows..

Saturday, November 6, 2010

I am not strong enough..

I am broken into a million billion pieces...
I am bawling my fucking eyes out. I feel so alone, I don't feel real, I now know how it feels to feel dead inside.
I have started cutting again. I want help but to scared to ask for it, i want people to help me without me asking.. this disorder might take me before that happens..

Here are lyrics that describe how i am feeling right now..

This place is a hole
but I don't wanna go
i wish we could stay here forever alone
this time that we waste
but i still love your taste
don't let him take my place
don't just sit there

sometimes I wish you would leave me
whoa I'm not sick of you yet
is that as good as it gets
I'll just hide it
I could slip into you
its so easy to come back into you

I stayed for a while
and waited for words
seen but not heard
and struggled to try
my tongues turnin' black
but I'll take you back
your still the best more or less
I guess
I guess

don't you leave me
whoa I'm not sick of you yet
is that as good as it gets
I'll just hide it oh
I could slip into you
its so easy to come back into you

and it hurts me to say that it hurts me to stay
and it might be all right if you go
it hurts me to say that i want you stay but it might be alright if you go

so leave me
whoa I'm not sick of you yet
is that as good as it gets
I'll just decided whoa i could slip into you its so easy to come...
back into you

sometimes i think that the bitter in you and the quitter in me is the bitter in you and quitter in me
the bitter in you is the quitter in me is the bitter in me and the quitter in me
the bitter in you and the quitter in me is (yeah)
is better than the both of us

Those are lyrics to the song "Lover Dearest" by my favorite band Marianas Trench, its baout the lead singers addiction to heroin, he wrote the song in rehab it was originally a letter he had to write to his addiction during rehab. I think it can go towards my ED aswell, which the lead singer also had.

But i am so lost..
and alone
and broken
and ugly and useless
lazy and worthless
hopeless and scared.

Awful..Just Awful..

Past two days were horrible, well i have had worse but still both days were pretty damn bad.
Yesterday i had a smallish binge, then i purged then that guy i like (that i mentioned a while back) asked me to come smoke some weed with him at his place (I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN FOREVER!), So of course i went! I thought i would have been strong enough to avoid the munchies.. apparently not.
I binged and purged from about 12am - 7am!!!!!!! I was so exhausted! my throat was killing me my stomach was burning and i was SO FUCKING TIRED! i couldn't keep my eyes open, i finally fell asleep but had to wake up at 12pm because it was my dads birthday today! (FUCK!) Me and lack of sleep is a death trap for binges.
I think would have done well if i didn't smoke weed today!
But having the munchies, and having cakes EVERYWHERE i was like "Fuck it. No way in hell, me, a bulimic pig can sit here with mad munchies and turn down hundreds of cakes and chocolates." so i dig right the fuck in.
I had so much family down.
All my dads brothers and sisters from Toronto were down, and one of my aunts presents to my dad was a box full of pieces of cakes from a bakery! so when i said hundreds of cakes, i wasn't kidding!
Since i had so much family over and i don't like people seeing me eat, or getting food. I was constantly sneaking downstairs quietly and sneaking food bit by bit. I felt disgusting.
And i was in my room basically all day binging and purging. ON MY DADS BIRTHDAY! with family i haven't seen in forever!
I didn't even get to say good bye to them, and i didn't help my mom clean up because i had to purge. how rude is that!
God i hate how this bull shit disease takes over everything.

It's almost 9pm and i am finishing up purging.

Earlier my aunt pinched my fat ass thigh and says "You need to eat sweetie, your to thin" ummmmm. first of all you mean eat LESS right? I hate how people think they know me so well and my eating habits. If only they knew i ate enough to feed all the homeless people in the world. Besides she hasn't seen me in a year! How the hell does she know if i eat or not? PLUS she is clinically overweight so SUCK IT! of course i look thin to her, everyone does!

I don't need to gain weight. I need to lose.
I don't need to eat more. I need to eat less.

I am just so frustrated. I have had more calories then sleep the past two days. AHH! I am going to go finish throwing up then smoke a bong and play some video games or watch a movie.
Tomorrow i am restarting, and no weed. so no munchies, so i will be restricting. I am thinking a salad and a jar of baby food tomorrow?
Fuck i hate planning out my meals... It always sounds like so much, which is ridiculous because anything under 200 is less then what i usually eat. I just need to keep telling myself that...I am so scared i have lost my control completely though...

I am going to take 15 laxatives tonight, drink a green tea and exercise my ass off. and i will take my laxatives before i smoke weed, so i wont binge because then that means i will have to purge which means i will be throwing up my laxatives.
Not cool.
Not cool at all.

I hope everyone else is doing better then my weak ass.
love you all!

P.s I am going to be creeping a lot of peoples blogs tonight as well, i need motivation! and i need a little reminder that i am not alone.

Friday, November 5, 2010

I wish i had a body to die for.

I just came back from the grocery store and got some lollipops (a MASSIVE bag) they are the tootsie roll lollipops, they are the smaller ones though, 50 calories for 4 so i will have 4 (if that) a day (and probably not every day), i also got the walden farms dressings, frozen broccoli and cauliflower (the bags that you steam), some flavored cottage cheese packs (90-100 calories for one), lots of packs of gum and calorie free mints, four 2L bottles of diet soda (different flavors to keep my mouth satisfied),5 calorie jello, 1 more can of baby food (90 calories for a big jar)and i think that's all.

My dad bought a lot of food that i would normally be like "AWE YOU BASTARD!", like sugary strudels, and pastries, tons of ice cream, but I'm not craving it all, I am SO full today and its 5pm and i have had half a 2L bottle of caffeine free diet root beer, and whats awesome is my dad bought all HIS junk yesterday and i was still like "meh i could live without it" and its true, i obviously can!

I THINK around 8pm i will have half the cucumber. The though of food right now is sickening but i know if i fast today i will just be setting myself up for a binge, so maybe once i get REALLY into the swing of things (restricting) then i will have a couple fasting days a week, but me being a bulimic, fasting on my second day of restricting probably isn't the best idea.
I need to be smart about this. I am still so shocked i am full off of 2 pickles in 2 days, my stomach is the flattest its been in a LONG time, even flatter then when i made it to only day 3 of my ABC, i really have no idea why haha. i think its because i have been cutting down on binging for the last week or so.

but I'm still fat and ugly.
I am going to go do something to waste some time.

peace and love!

Day deux

Blah worst sleep of my life last night.
and me on no sleep is a disaster hahah i am the biggest douchebag.
I didn't get to sleep until 7-730am because i was so nervous about weighing myself this morning, and then i woke up at 12pm.
I weighed myself and I'm a whopping 108lbs, and that's on one scale, on my other i was 109lbs! i was to scared to weigh myself on my third one!

So since I'm a cow I have no idea what to eat today.
I am probably going to go to my local grocery store that carries Walden Farms products since i ran out, and I'm going to buy some zero calorie salad dressing and probably just eat half a cucumber today and 4L of diet soda and a green tea because i need to start drinking one a day again.
Then i need to exercise even more today, I am able to use the treadmill tonight so i am going to take advantage of that and go on it until i cant feel my legs anymore, then go for a run OUTSIDE, and then play my wii fit and then throw in some push ups, sit ups, and jumping jacks. and i am going to move as much as possible today.

I want to be about 106-107lbs tomorrow.
It's HOPEFULLY possible, i cant wait until i am under 105lbs again. ugh i feel so massive!

OH SHIT! got to cut this short! brb

Thursday, November 4, 2010


Sorry i have been away for the last couple weeks or so, i have just been feeling embarrassed and sick of posting my fails. I never got those pills i was talking about so i never got to fast, so i was stuck in my shitty routine of gorging on large amounts of food just to throw it up.
I am not sure what my weight is, but i am weighing myself tomorrow morning for the first time in about a week or two. Last time i weighed myself i was 106, but since then i have been doing awful, but a few days ago i decided to smarten the fuck up! hahah i haven't stopped binging and purging, i will admit that. but i took baby steps, i use to binge maybe once during the day then ALL night and just go back and forth from binging and purging throughout the night, then i went from snacking (and purging) throughout the day to binging and purging all throughout the night, and THEN i went from fasting all day to binging and purging all throughout the night, and NOW i fast all night and have one SMALL binge at night (at around 12) purge and workout then lock myself in my room hahaha.

Today was the first time i restricted, having 2 pickles all day and actually being so full i couldn't finish the third one i had on my plate, i bought two 2L bottles of diet soda that i sipped on throughout the day, i moved my entire room around so burned quite a few calories, i am unable to go on the treadmill tonight so i am going to go for a jog later on tonight despite the freezing cold weather and pouring rain.

My cousin who is a male came over yesterday for the first time in about a month and a half, he use to come over all the time to hang out with my brother but when him and his girlfriend after about 2 years broke up he stopped coming over, but now him and his girlfriend are working things out, so he came over yesterday TWENTY FIVE POUNDS LIGHTER! he said he stopped eating, and now only eats dinner. This is coming from the guy who use to eat fast food like three times a day PLUS a homemade meal and snacks in between, he was never fat but he was husky, around 5-10lbs over weight, and now he decides to come over to his cousins house whom he knows has an eating disorder, and shows off him new skinny body. I can only define him as a DOUCHEBAG lol
But he is my motivation to lose weight, since i gained and he lost.

MORE motivation for me is family from Toronto (MORE) that i haven't seen in a year is coming down Saturday. I MUST BE THINNER! I want to shock them, so i have (basically) two days to lose as much weight as i can. Which means i plan on eating only baby food, cucumbers, lettuce, pickles, yogurt, mints, lollipops and gum. Not all in the same day ;) hahaha.

A few things are triggering my loss of appetite..
I have to move out of medium sized city, to the country... so i have to move to the middle of no where! I JUST MOVED FROM MY SMALL EVERYONE-KNOWS-EVERYONE TOWN TO THIS CITY THAT TOOK ME A WHILE TO GET USE TO, NOW I HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN AND LOSE EVERYTHING....AGAIN!!
So basically since my parents are making me lose everything...again, i am going to lose as much weight as i can, since its the only thing i want to lose that they don't want me to lose.
Know why i have to move? because my family is losing money, and it doesn't help that my mom keeps spending money gambling..
So I'm going poor and moving my force. Joy.

Now i can't say I'm not going to binge anytime soon, because well, who am i kidding. But i can honestly say my stomach is growling really bad right now, but i still somehow feel full? and the thought of food sickens me.
I can barely bring myself to drink my diet coke.
Since everything is falling apart, I don't want to make myself more depressed by binging and purging, sure the binging makes me feel alright at the moment and the purging makes me feel even better, but i always regret it later and feel even worse, so i am going to save myself the trouble and just not eat anymore, i need at least one thing to keep me happy, which is losing weight.

I want to be pretty.


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