Saturday, November 6, 2010

Awful..Just Awful..

Past two days were horrible, well i have had worse but still both days were pretty damn bad.
Yesterday i had a smallish binge, then i purged then that guy i like (that i mentioned a while back) asked me to come smoke some weed with him at his place (I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN FOREVER!), So of course i went! I thought i would have been strong enough to avoid the munchies.. apparently not.
I binged and purged from about 12am - 7am!!!!!!! I was so exhausted! my throat was killing me my stomach was burning and i was SO FUCKING TIRED! i couldn't keep my eyes open, i finally fell asleep but had to wake up at 12pm because it was my dads birthday today! (FUCK!) Me and lack of sleep is a death trap for binges.
I think would have done well if i didn't smoke weed today!
But having the munchies, and having cakes EVERYWHERE i was like "Fuck it. No way in hell, me, a bulimic pig can sit here with mad munchies and turn down hundreds of cakes and chocolates." so i dig right the fuck in.
I had so much family down.
All my dads brothers and sisters from Toronto were down, and one of my aunts presents to my dad was a box full of pieces of cakes from a bakery! so when i said hundreds of cakes, i wasn't kidding!
Since i had so much family over and i don't like people seeing me eat, or getting food. I was constantly sneaking downstairs quietly and sneaking food bit by bit. I felt disgusting.
And i was in my room basically all day binging and purging. ON MY DADS BIRTHDAY! with family i haven't seen in forever!
I didn't even get to say good bye to them, and i didn't help my mom clean up because i had to purge. how rude is that!
God i hate how this bull shit disease takes over everything.

It's almost 9pm and i am finishing up purging.

Earlier my aunt pinched my fat ass thigh and says "You need to eat sweetie, your to thin" ummmmm. first of all you mean eat LESS right? I hate how people think they know me so well and my eating habits. If only they knew i ate enough to feed all the homeless people in the world. Besides she hasn't seen me in a year! How the hell does she know if i eat or not? PLUS she is clinically overweight so SUCK IT! of course i look thin to her, everyone does!

I don't need to gain weight. I need to lose.
I don't need to eat more. I need to eat less.

I am just so frustrated. I have had more calories then sleep the past two days. AHH! I am going to go finish throwing up then smoke a bong and play some video games or watch a movie.
Tomorrow i am restarting, and no weed. so no munchies, so i will be restricting. I am thinking a salad and a jar of baby food tomorrow?
Fuck i hate planning out my meals... It always sounds like so much, which is ridiculous because anything under 200 is less then what i usually eat. I just need to keep telling myself that...I am so scared i have lost my control completely though...

I am going to take 15 laxatives tonight, drink a green tea and exercise my ass off. and i will take my laxatives before i smoke weed, so i wont binge because then that means i will have to purge which means i will be throwing up my laxatives.
Not cool.
Not cool at all.

I hope everyone else is doing better then my weak ass.
love you all!

P.s I am going to be creeping a lot of peoples blogs tonight as well, i need motivation! and i need a little reminder that i am not alone.



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