Sunday, August 29, 2010

Super Depressed.

As most of you guys could probably tell, i haven't exactly been "myself" lately. I have been feeling really depressed and hopeless.

I HAVE been exercising more, but my binging has basically been the same, i am so pathetic i went jogging today then binged when i got back :'( ,but i was 99lbs this morning which i
GUESS isn't so bad...if you like being average. I don't even LOOK average, i swear my arms are growing right before my eyes, i still haven't talked to my parents. I actually ended up pushing my mom today, i was sitting in my room and she came in once again trying to get me to talk to her, i wasn't answering so she just walked in and started bugging the hell out of me then tried to hug me and get me to laugh, the more she tried the more pissed off i got, i yelled "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE" i then got up, and shoved her out the door and she says "your going to make me cry" (she wasnt serious, don't worry) i then slammed the door and went back in my room.

I have that feeling once again that i will never be good enough, good enough for my self, or anyone else. I will always be fat and out of control.
My throat is killing me and i have been abusing laxatives and diet pills like crazy just to at least maintain my 99lbs because i am terrified to get back into the 3 digits again...

I want to take a break from blogging for a few days, because i want to come back in a few days and say "I lost weight!".
I want to desperately get back into my anorexic habits. Its time to switch one illness for another, I am going to do exactly what i use to do. Its going to be hard though, because then i didn't even WANT food, i struggled to finish a plain lettuce salad, i had
CONTROL then, but the similarities from then and now, are i want the same thing...THIN, CONTROL, and so much more...
I realized that when i think I'm going to binge, i usually do. Like today, i ate an orange, but while eating that orange i thought "I'm going to binge, i know i will, i always do" so about 5 minutes after eating the orange i binged.
But i swear on my life i am done.

I am done with bulimia, with being fat and out of control, with feeling hopeless and useless, with being FAT and unhappy.
I would rather be thin and unhappy, then fat and unhappy.


Whats the point in eating if i still feel empty?

So, You may not here from me in a couple of days, I will be back to my TRUE self, the me that gets high off of starving and gets high off of the control. I am sick of my life right now...

i want to starve. i want to starve. i want to starve. i want to starve away my pain.

I am going to try a thing, where i eat zero calorie sugar packets instead of binge.
I don't want anyone to think I am a fake who is TRYING to "become" anorexic by the way. I went from Bulimia, To Full fledged Anorexia, To Binge Eater, To (currently) Full fledged Bulimic.
I miss normal...
What is normal...

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Yoo

Hello.
Well i DID binge today, but obviously i purged and exercised for about 2 hours after wards and haven't touched food since (my binge was at about 5:30pm, its now 10pm) and I took 6 diet pills and drank only water. I am going to go on the treadmill soon too.

I haven't talked to my parents all day, so this is two days without saying a single word to them, i was down stairs for a bit when i first woke up, then my dad asked me a question and i just shrugged my shoulders and he was like "Fine don't talk to me see if i care" and i knew if i stayed down stairs any longer i would eventually get REALLY pissed off, so that's when i went up stairs and did my own thing, and exercised and stuff.
My mom tried talking to me a bunch of times but i just had that same pissed off look on my face and didn't even look at her, she was like "Cassandra, look, look, i wanna show you something look" and i didn't even glance or move my head. another time she was she opened my bedroom door while i was working out and was like "Hello!" and i slammed the door on her, and so then she was like "i was just trying to help and your not talking to me?!" Yes mom...invading my privacy and making me lose all trust in you is totally helping.
Then she went to bingo at 6:30pm until 9:30pm because she is an idiot and is losing all of our money going to bingo because she has a stupid gambling addiction, anyways, just now she opened my bedroom door and tried ONE more time to talk to me saying "hey..." (in a sad, quietish voice, because she is "hurt" I'm not talking to her) Once again i didn't say anything, Then she says "..Wheres your cat?", No reply. so she just closed the door.


I don't care if i ever talk to them again.
They have searched my room so many times in the past now i am just furious at them and cant wait to move out. I hate them. I hate them SO much! As if they think what they did was no big deal and "helpful". I could go on and on, but i cant even EXPLAIN how pissed off i am STILL about this whole situation.

I want to lose as much weight as i can to make them feel like shit about it all.
I cant wait for tomorrow so i can go another day ignoring them and hurt them even more. I want them to understand they cant just go through my shit while i am gone.

I hate my "parents".

Friday, August 27, 2010

Bad day.

Today was terrible.
As you know, basically right when i wake up i find out my parents search my room,blah blah blah. purge bowls found.NOT GOOD!
Then i binged and purged, felt absolutely disgusting and cut myself for the first time in a while, i broke down just crying, looking at myself in the mirror in disgust. I down 15 diet pills and 10 laxatives.

My brother then called and asked if i wanted to go to the movies with him and his girlfriend and watch "The Last Exorcism". Originally i said no because i felt like shit, but he was like "common!" so i went. I couldn't stop thinking about how gross i look, how i should be exercising instead of sitting down in the theater.
Stupid me, Right when i get home at midnight i binge again...

I feel so gross, Tomorrow is a new day. I am exhausted. like EXTREMELY, I've had no sleep, I've been crying, feeling depressed, and i just feel heavy and lazy, when i am done purging i am going to read a book in bed. Tomorrow i am going to focus more on exercise then anything. It seems like i am forgetting about that.
I wish i could go back in time to when i spent all day exercising and only ate ONE salad a day...I will start that after my fast tomorrow. The voice in my head is screaming "YOUR FAT"...

I just want out of this...


P.s I am not going to weigh myself tomorrow. I don't think i can handle it emotionally honestly...I know i must be up to at least 101lbs, just in 2 days!

I'm Pissed, Sad, Disapointed, etc.

Sorry for not updating last night, i went to my friends house (which i am never doing again), we had an okay night (it was my bulimic friend) I was doing so well yesterday, maintained at 97lbs all day. Then me and her binged (because yes...marijuana), She didn't purge after wards but i was like "No way in hell can i keep this in". The whole time i was thinking "how can you keep that all in! I would rather die then keep a binge inside".
After the purge i fell asleep, Right when i woke up this morning i felt disgust, failure, and disappointment, I told her i wanted to go home. So i walked home (Jogged part way) and when i got home, I discovered my purge bowl...
WASHED AND IN MY KITCHEN SINK!
I ran upstairs and checked under my futon in my room and BOTH purge bowls were gone.
I am fucking unbelievably pissed.
MY PARENTS SEARCHED MY ROOM WHILE I WAS GONE!
I am 18 fucking years old, and have absolutely no privacy in my fucking house for my stuff. They already know i purge, and they never really say anything, so why the hell do they suddenly decide to search my room! Like gee mom THANKS for cleaning my bowls and stuff, but come the fuck on! I was so pissed, and felt like i had absolutely no control or privacy in my house, i binged one last time, grabbed a new purge bowl and purged it all. That was about an hour ago, its almost 4pm now and i am starving the rest of the day and fasting tomorrow. If my parents don't want me purging, and don't have the decency to show me some privacy in my own damn bedroom while i am gone, then i wont purge, well i wont binge and purge, i will still purge small amounts because purging releases so much when i do it.

I am just fuming right now.
My mom came upstairs when she got home and tried saying Hello to me and having a normal conversation, i just kept my eyes glued to my computer and had a pissed off look on my face and didn't say anything to her, i haven't said anything to her or my dad since I've gotten home 3 hours ago. and i don't plan on saying anything.
They still haven't brought anything up (as usual) but they know i know. They think i will just let it go, Not this time. I'm sick of being treated like a little kid, It's one thing to wish things were how they were back when i WAS a little kid, but fucking treating me like i have nothing that's rightfully mine, and nothing i can keep a secret, and invading my privacy is a whole other level. Who knows what else they looked through! I just want out! I am going to starve my self out of this world. I want them to think this is their fault. I hate my family!

So on top of all that bull shit, and the fact that it triggered me to starve and restrict so much more then i was due to lack of control and privacy and having nothing that's MINE but an eating disorder (which they are also slowly trying to take away apparently!)...
... I am probably up to around 99 fucking pounds again. I feel fatter then i ever have. I might as well weigh 200 pounds, That's what i feel like i weigh, 150lbs fat 50lbs failure from my recent binges. Ugh! I never should have left my fucking house. I would probably be 96lbs and my purge bowls would still be under my futon!


Kill me. Seriously, Someone just mail me a letter that self destructs when i open in.
Do me the favor PLEASE!

My mind is just racing right now. I feel like I'm in a prison, TWO! AT THE SAME TIME! WHICH ISN'T EVEN POSSIBLE! I'm a prisoner in my head, and my house. I thought your home and head were suppose to be the safest places? Now where do i go? How do i escape?
Oh right...starve.


Blah. I am going to read "Distorted" and then exercise my big fat legs are numb.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

97lbs

I'm at my official lowest, not 96lbs like i had hoped! but 97lbs is better then 99lbs. I'm so cold. But I'll deal. I woke up at 9:00am today which is WAY to early for me, I'm so tired i want to go back to bed but since I am already up i doubt i will. My plan for today is a yogurt later, probably around 3pm. I don't have much to say right now since i just woke up. So i will just post some Thinspo this post!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Sweating my ass off.

I still haven't eaten all day, its now 11:30pm.
I was just on the exercise bike for only 15 minutes and I'm sweating so hardcore, I am now going to do about 20 minutes on the treadmill and then clean my room to burn extra calories.

I'm forcing myself to exercise tonight. I really want to be about 96lbs tomorrow.
I'm sweaty, exhausted, nauseous. and it feels good! I hope i will go to bed early tonight...

My whole life has been feeling like a dream..no no, a nightmare, lately. as if I'm out of my body and watching me do all this stupid shit. It doesn't feel real, probably because I am still thinking

"How could this happen to me?".

My brothers ex girlfriends mom died yesterday, she had a heart attack. She was 50 years old, the same age as my parents, now my mom is always talking about how she feels like she is going to die soon (shes already had scares with the side of her face going numb. stroke?), It's so sad, I wish people didn't grow old and die...I'm scared to death of my family dieing, of me dieing, of growing old! I wish i could go back to when i was little and keep it that way. Ugh. I'm sad. I'm going on the treadmill...

"Days are going by faster then i ever could keep up."

Day 3 Complete.


Well today was day Three of my fast, its 9:16pm and i haven't eaten all day. and i plan on keeping it that way. I made a water bottle full of Slimquick, and I've been sipping on the one all day i have a tiny bit left. I'm not very thirsty though. When everyone goes to bed, between 10-11pm, I'm going to exercise and then play some Super Mario, cause its been a while lol.

Nothing to interesting happened today, woke up at around 3:30pm and then had to go get an x-ray on my back and neck, and i was reading the book
"Distorted" holy SHIT it's good! I couldn't put it down ahahha I'm already almost done! The book has a cool style of writing, it will be the mom talking and describing how she felt at the time of the situation and she will explain the situation through her eyes, etc. then it would show the daughters. and what makes it cooler is it's a true story, i recommend this book to anyone. I'm going to read more of it while I'm on the treadmill later.
I was 98lbs this morning, which means! I will be between 96-97lbs tomorrow, my official lowest! I'm excited, i know i wont look any different, but being under my lowest will just make me feel so much stronger, and make me think "why throw away all my hard work!". I get lightheaded and black out every time i stand up, but i just push through it. It just means I'm doing good. I haven't felt this good in a while, not good about myself, but i feel good that I'm DOING good. Tomorrow I will probably break my fast and have my usual yogurt.

Well. That's all for now folks, like i said not much happened today If i think of anything that I missed i will let you know! :)
Stay strong guys!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

*sniff* I smell forced recovery...

Shit son.
Totally shouldn't have let my mom come into the doctors office with me. It did NOT go very well, I'm going to give as much detail as possible.

I went, and my doctor said there was a medical student or some shit their that was going to talk to me for the first half and then he would come in after and talk to me (i guess shes practicing to be a nurse). Anyways, she said my mom made the appointment because i have back pain, so we got into that a little bit and then she got into my depression and she asked if i was still taking Celexa and i said "yupp" then my mom butts in
"no she isn't, she stopped"
then the nurse is like
"Oh okay, any reason why you stopped? do you think your feeling better emotionally"
and i say
"yeah, i just don't like to go out with friends anymore, but that's not depression, i just don't want to go out... when i lived in Gan (3 years ago) i NEVER went outside, i guess I'm just use to it now, I'm annoyed around people and i feel uncomfortable...NOT depressed" she then asked if i have a lot of energy, and i say
"oh yah, i can be up for 2 nights and still be perfectly fine", she writes some shit down. We then got off that topic, and she asked if there was anything else i wanted to talk about, me and my mom both brought up my liver pain, and she just asked me a few questions so she could get more information about what it could be, she asked me questions, i forget what most were but the ones i DO remember are
"Do you eat properly" and i say
"oh yah man! perfectly" and my mom goes
"pfft!". and then she asks
"Do you have your period?" and i had to say no because my mom already knows i don't get it, then she asks
"How long has it been?" and i say
"I don't even remember, maybe around a year or something" then she starts asking me if I'm sexually active lmao. I say
"No (lie), And I'm not pregnant. If i haven't had it for a year i would think i would have the baby by now".

Then the doctor keeps asking me questions to figure out why it stopped then my mom once again butts in
"It's because she doesn't eat, shes too thin, THAT'S why she doesn't get her period". Right then i was pissed.

The doctor asks me stupid shit like do you eat meat, and i say the vegetarian meat, she asks what i eat for breakfast and before i could answer my mom says
"Nothing" and i say
"Will you shut the hell up! you don't even know shit! Get out of here!" and then i start to tear up, but i was trying SO hard not to cry. Then the doctor says
"Would you feel more comfortable if your mom left the room?" I didn't answer. Then she says to my mom
"Okay maybe we should just *does hand motion in the air to say 'not say anything'*" My mom agrees.

The doctor then looks at me again..
"Okay, so breakfast?" and i say
"Nothing, I've NEVER eaten breakfast growing up, no one in my family does." Then she says
"Lunch?" and i say
"Food?" and she says
"What kind of food?" and i say
"I don't know! Toast and shit!? I eat different shit everyday!" (I'm pissed at this point clearly, because my mom. and my doctor was already on my case about my ED at my last appointment in January but i got him to forget about it) anyways, she then asks
"what about dinner?" and i say
"whatever the hell my parents are eating?" and she says
"which is what?" and i say
"I DON'T KNOW! whatever they make that day!" Then i say "Sometimes i make my own meals, i have cookbooks and all that" then my mom says
"Yeah sometimes she does make her own salads"
then the dumb doctor asks
"Do you drink milk?" (my last blood test results said i had weak bones) I say
"No, I hate milk" and my mom says
"You use to like it" and i say
"You don't even know what your talking about! I NEVER liked milk! (which is true!)".

I then look at what my doctor writes and it says:

"Diet: No milk, No Meat, No lunch, No breakfast, Salad for Dinner"

WHAT THE FUCK!
Then my REAL doctor comes in, and him, the stupid bitch, and the other stupid bitch are sitting basically around me while I'm in the corner, My doctor (pretty cool guy...) asks if he has weighed me before, and he said
"yes we have a weigh in from a few months ago, 53kg.. do you know how much you weigh now? Probably lighter right? You look it." and i say
"I don't know" and he says
"Okay well i think we should have a weigh in" and everyone's like
"yaaa! dgshdgs :D" and i say
"No. I don't like people knowing my weight, so I'm not going to" and he says
"Okay, I'm not going to force you. *looks at computer* it says you don't eat much.." and i say
"So they think" then my mom says
"well...she does eat" and i say
"SEE! She doesn't even know what shes talking about! shes changing her story now!" and my doctor says
"ok ok. We don't want a war going on"


and then a bunch of other bull crap goes on, and i have another fucking appointment September 14th, and he said i have no choice, i have to have a weigh in.
so guess what mother fuckersssssss! IM NOT GOING!

I always say, no one in the world REALLYYY has a choice in anything they do now do they? There's no such thing as "freedom of speech" or "having your own choice". Or else their wouldn't be laws, and jail and all that shit.
So i ALWAYS try to do what I want. and say my opinion. and there's no way in hell am i being forced to get weighed! and let everyone see the numbers on the scale and have everyone know how much i weigh. Its MY secret, its MY choice to keep it a secret and its MY life. MY MY MY!
I'm pissed.


My mom was basically the Mom's you see in the ED movies, putting words in my mouth, talking for me.
Now, My mom is the man and i love her and all, and she knows about my Eating Disorder so i understand she was just telling the doctor the truth since i was clearly lying, and half the time when i was lying she just sat back and listened. and i feel bad for putting her through all this, but you know how it is. You will do anything to keep your secret a secret and make sure no one finds out, no matter who you hurt. I still lie about it, even though my family knows.


Blah, now my doctor is all over my ass about my Eating Disorder, things wont change around my house. I will still be able to eat whatever and whenever i want because my mom knows not to force me to eat or all hell will break lose hahah.
I just don't know what will happen from here on...


Besides all of that balogna. I fasted today, its 9:31pm.
I'm going to exercise because i have this huge voice yelling at me "NO CONTROL. NO CHOICE."
Well I will show you voice. I do have control in my life, and i do have a choice to do what i do and don't want.
I also bought three eating disorder books, Part two of "Insatiable" It's called "Ravenous". Part one was pimpin! Then i got "Distorted" and "The Starving Family"


Another thing, Don't you hate when people, ESPECIALLY FAMILY, Complain and say "I haven't eaten all day" or "I'm starving" i just want to scream "No No. I'M starving! Remember?!"
Hahahah god. What an exhausting day, I'm going to read!

Day Two.


Today is day two of my fast, Yesterday i had about half a water bottle full of slim quick, and 2 sips of water, and Today i am going for the same. But i am also going to take my diet pills today and some laxatives tonight, and drink a green tea. Unfortunately i didn't exercise yesterday, but i tried to leave the house as much as possible, i went out with my brother to pick up my other brother and we stopped off at my brothers friends house so he could check something for his car, i stood outside for about 40 minutes and i was moving my legs a lot,then i got home and went to my friends house until about 10 because she was crying so i wanted to be there for her.
Today I was suppose to have plans with her and shit but i think I'm just going to stay home tonight since I've already forced myself to go out the past 2 days. We made a schedule for exercise and crap but i cant really stick to it with other people, i need to do my own things, but I'm considering it... Its going out for a jog every night at midnight (I prefer mornings, but i still might do this) and then the gym every Friday (i was considering getting a membership anyways...but i would feel really uncomfortable having someone i know with me, even if shes my best friend).

I Have a doctors appointment around 1:45pm, its 11:43am right now. This should be an interesting appointment hahaha.
I had another weird dream last night, The only part worth talking about is when someone says to me "Your Huge!". And in my dream i was at school when the person said that,that really motivates me to lose weight before school, i don't want to be that fat girl... Well I'm going to go look and save some recipes that i will never make or eat on the computer. I will return with a post after my appointment! hahhaha Wish me luck!


One more thing, if today goes as good as yesterday (which i know it will! Thinking positive) I'm going to try for a three day fast.
P.s. A little off topic, but i tend to do this. I'm watching "Full House" right now, anyone else think John Stamos is a sexy mother fucker! ... Cause i do ;)

Monday, August 23, 2010

:D

woooo.
I woke up this morning on the fucking top of candy mountain hahah, I'm in such a good mood, probably because i know I'm going to be fasting the next two days, and I'm going to be just chillin, exercising, playing (yupp you guess it) MARIO! updating my thinspo/diet book, drawing, basically everything
BESIDES wasting my day binging then purging and cleaning up my mess.
Hahhaha so i didn't go to my appointment today! I was exhausted, i barely even remember my parents waking me up TWICE this morning, then again when they called to change my appointment to 11 hahahah. Oh well, i feel heavy and contaminated today anyways, but my doc appointment tomorrow is a must, i need to get a check up on my liver and all the other stuff i have been complaining about.

It's 3:00pm and i woke up around 1:30ish, so i Don't have much to say except I'm in a good mood! Hope everyone else is doing great. Remember......



TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN.

Oh i just thought i would share my dream i had last night lol, everyone know Sid Vicious? That sexy bass player from The Sex Pistols, (Google that shit), Yupp i had a dream we were dating lmao. I'm such a loser, unfortunately i woke up and Sid is still not my boyfriend...and still dead. *Sigh*.
I love dreaming.

Ouch.

God i feel like a crippled old lady!

My bones are aching so bad, due to lack of sleep I'm guessing. Basically every night I've went to bed at like 8am and wake up at around 12 30-
1ish. or I'm up all night and all day and then all night until like 5am the next morning! I'm up on my feet constantly so my ankles are aching so damn bad, and my legs from constant jumping jacks and running in spot while i purge to help get it up. Its 4:41am and i have to be up at 9 30 for my appointment. blah! When i sat down on my bed it felt like 456789lbs were taken off my feet it feels so good!
I'm going to cruise around the internet for a while longer then TRY and sleep, which seems basically impossible lately. I'm exhausted. But I'm like a zombie, I can't sleep. Is this Insomnia?... Nahh! It can't be, its all just in my head
, It has to be. I'm fine!

I just took 5 laxatives, which doesn't seem like enough now so I'm going to take another 5. Tomorrow I plan on going to my appointment, coming home and attempting a nap, then when i wa
ke up take my "special pill".
I'm suppose to go to the movies and watch Twilight Sucks with my friend, we are going to make
"Fuck Edward" and "Fuck Jacob" Tshirts where it says that on the front and "Twilight Sucks" on the back! hahaha! how creative eh! I hate Twilight as you can tell, and I hate going to the movies but I may make an exception for this, I'm already wanting to just curl up in a ball and stay home as usual tomorrow but we will see how i feel. I may just stay home and exercise like crazy.

Well that's about all for now. I'm still really excited to fast the next couple days! I will update as soon as i can tomorrow :) Love you guys!


p.s. I am not weighing myself until after my 2 day fast. well I'm going to try.


TIME FOR THINSPO!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Dont judge me till the end of this post!

okay i binged today.
No surprise there i know, but i have 2 days of fasting ahead of me, i
FINALLY got the "Special Pill" i've been going on about, but i got 2. unfortunately i got them AFTER my binge(s).

My first binge today wasn't TOO bad, but my second one that i just finished was awful. I only did it because I'm high, blah. Yes..i smoked weed today again.
But this is my last binge for a while that's SOURED OF why i went a bit more out then usual, lame excuse but its bulimia...what can you do. When i do these pills i dont eat or drink all day or night then the next few day i wont be hungry, even if i have like one grape or something, i wont get that urge to eat everything in sight, until i smoke weed again (which i don't plan on doing), or until i get that binge that's like UNCONTROLLABLE.

I know this all makes me sound like such a junkie, let me tell you i hate taking these pills...and I'm not going to say what they are, but i hate them.
But i do them so i don't eat...before i never needed them, i was afraid of food...now i eat it to much and it drives me over the edge and to the point of taking pills to suppress my appetite. I'm really excited to be able to fast tomorrow. FUCKING FINALLY. I feel so gross right now, but I'm just going to exercise as much as possible so i don't gain to much from it, because tomorrow i will feel a tiny bit better and more in control.
Tomorrow i have to wake up at 10 for a appointment with my social worker, now i may not have fasted today like i had hoped (i wanted to fast the day before my appointments), but at least i will for sure for my doctors appointment.

Now i am not going to leave you hanging, I'm going to confess my binge foods today. (T.W)
Binge 1 (around 4pm, around 1500 calories):
Yogurt.
Brownie (2).
Banana Bread.
Bread & Butter (I don't even like butter!!).
Cinnamon Bun Thing.
Ice Cream Cone (the already made ones).
Peanut Butter (Lmao god I'm pathetic).


I exercised quite a bit after that, and then i went out to my friends house for the first time in forever, my ex was there and i haven't talked to him since we broke up like 2 months ago, we all smoked weed and it was pretty fun actually!) Then i went home, and of course the munchies kicked it, and since i barely have control anymore sober, high was just a train wreck. I had...

Binge 2 (Around 9:30pm):
Smores.
Banana.
Peanut Butter & Jam Sandwich (2)
LOTS of Chinese food.
(Chicken Balls, 2 Roll Things, and Other Shit That looks Weird and Unhealthy.)

I was so stuffed it hurt to move and purge.

Like i said i cannot wait until tomorrow, 2 day fast i am hoping to lose 4lbs with exercise. i was 101lbs this morning, i am hoping to be around 97-98lbs.


Oh I just have a story that happened today at my friends, She also has an ED (It's the one i was ranting about...) anyways, she pulled out food because she was munching and she was like "this is my last time i swear!" and then i took it away from her cause i know she would have wanted me to, but then she just ate it anyways, and she felt really bad about being the only one eating so i said i would take a bite, and right when i did i got hit by the worst feeling of guilt I've ever felt. i honestly couldn't swallow...i PHYSICALLY could NOT swallow! I started to tear up, she went upstairs and i spit out the food..
How come when i came home i didn't have that feeling?...


God i just want tomorrow to come.
I'm going to take some laxatives tonight, I haven't taken them for about a week or 2, I use to take about 6 a night.
Then i am going to take some diet pills (A little late but whatever, maybe it will do something as i exercise and sleep..wishful thinking).

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Fuck off bulimia.

I BINGED!
honestly I'm useless...

I HATE MYSELF | I HATE MYSELF | I HATE MYSELF.

Wheres my control? I have an appointment in 2 days and I'm going to be bigger then my social worker...who is pretty damn big.
ugh... Brownie, 3 banana muffins, some peanut butter (shut up), a salad (Which is what i started with) a hot dog and a hamburger. Not to mention the 3 yogurts i had earlier and the couple pieces of melon.
I cannot stress enough how pathetic i feel... I want desperatly to be thin, and frail, and weak, and...sick! is that bad? is it bad that i want to be so sick i need to be taken care of at all times, maybe then someone will try to help me and take me out of my misery.
Well i must not want it all that bad if i binge constantly. Fuck. Getting out of bulimia is way harder then i thought, how can someone keep doing something they hate? All i know is i have a long night of exercise ahead of me...
Tomorrow i need to fast, i need to get that "special pill" for sure tomorrow! I need to get my damn cellphone working first. blah, task for tonight...fix phone.

So workout tonight, fast AND workout tomorrow.

I am also thinking about getting a gym membership, I have all the work out equipment at my house but i figure working out OUT of my house will prevent me from binging more since i wont be in my house, plus i can walk there and back.
Speaking of which. I need to do a lot more walking and get out of the house more...more then i already am.

IM SO FAT
I really want to hurt myself...but i haven't done that in a while, plus. what could hurt more then knowing my self control is gone? knowing i will never be thin, and having bulimia. NOTHING! a simple cut on my wrist or punch in the head will not take away the pain i feel inside anymore.
I need to figure something else out...
But i really do think I'm useless, i think I'm going to spend my whole life sneaking food into my room to binge, and then with my head in the 2 buckets i have hidden under my bed to purge in.


Judge me all you want guys.. I know what your thinking
"Shes got no self control, She's disgusting" I'm addicted to food, It's a true addiction, I hate it...but i keep going back for more.

I hate food, I hate myself.
I just want my "Eating Disorder" to kill me already...

For the record. I'm not returning the clothes lmao
Here we go again with not sticking to what i said i would do. But trust me, i will fast tomorrow...



IhatemyselfIhatemyselfIhatemyselfIhatemyselfIhatemyselfIhatemyselfIhatemyselfIhatemyselfIhatemyselfIhatemyselfIhatemyselfIhatemyself

Im Scuuured (Scared)

I just need to quickly say I'm a little scared right now, you know how with eating disorders usually comes a lot of heath problems, including heart attack, etc.
Well Today i have a really weird numbing feeling in my arm (mainly my elbow) and my wrist feels like its asleep, and my arm is really heavy, i looked it up on Google because that shit knows everything and it could be a pinched nerve, bad circulation, OR stroke or heart attack. EEK. I know it's probably not that serious but i still cant help but wonder...


But besides that I'm going to try something new with my blog, I seen it on another blog. I'm going to start taking pictures of what i eat everyday and post them, because well...I wont want to post picture after picture after picture after picture of a binge right! haahah. Ugh this Eating Disorder thing is way to exhausting... I feel like my brain is spinning and spinning and spinning and eventually its just going to explode! Oh and guess what? I went shopping today. I just have to say the clothes i got are fucking AWESOME and i am SO posting pictures later hahaha, get ready to see a pink pullover cat sweater, a shirt with a bow and chain, and a very holey shirt. pimpin. Now I've decided i for sure cant binge or else they are going back to the store. WOULDN'T want that now would i?!

That's all for now, you know what I'm going to say..
Time for some Super Mario.
HOLLLAAA!
A Numb, heavy arm isn't going to stop me from gaming hardcore.

P.s. Carrie Underwood is on T.V what a babe. I usually don't think of people her size as thinspo (Shes skinny as hell! But i prefer runway models as thinspo..skin and bones, etc) but this hoe looks good! I'm jealous.
Ok. enough stalling.
MARIO!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Now that we're alone ;)

Hahahhaha. Okay but seriously...
It is now 11:48pm and I only had one yogurt today (35 calories)and it took me like 15-20 minutes to eat it because


1.
I was so into Super Mario and

2. My dad came home while i was eating it and I have a weird phobia about eating in front of people so i had to keep waiting for him to leave the room so i could take a bite hahah.

I MIGHT have another yogurt sometime later tonight, maybe a couple minutes before i work out later, but it all depends on how badly i want one (obviously) but i have already been craving it for like 30 minutes now, but my craving is gone now so who knows!
I'm just glad i didn't binge or anything today. But like i said, i needed to step up my game the next few days since i have 2 appointments coming up.
I went grocery shopping today with my dad again and i was going to buy 90 calorie granola peanut butter things (packs of 90 calories...look em up) and 100 calorie bars that looked fucking delicious (I will post pictures of both). Anyways, i ended up putting both back. For some reason i couldn't bring myself to buy them the only thing running through my head at the time was "The cashier is going to think I'm fat buying these...i mean 90 AND 100 Calorie snacks!" Which is ridiculous because,well, they could have been for my dad! AN
D IT WAS 90 AND 100 CALORIES! hahaha but oh well, I will buy them eventually, maybe when i lose a few more pounds i will treat myself to one of the bars! I mainly wanted the peanut butter things because peanut butter has been a bad binge food for me lately, i mean i eat jars. My dad ended up buying a HUGE tub of peanut butter (which is not good!) because i go through peanut butter like underwear and my dad loves it too so he knows i cant (or more so, he THINKS i can't) eat a tub of it hhaha. WHICH I WONT! I don't even want to touch that tub of PB.
OH! While i was at the grocery store it was hilarious, there was some guy behind me in the checkout line with the worst food choices! I mean, usually i don't judge people for what they buy at the grocery store but i actually looked back at his food, looked forward, then quickly looked back again like "WHAT?!" and i looked up at him with like a ":O really man! common!". He had a frozen pizza, (the rest of the stuff i list was already cooked, so he can just take it home and eat...lazy bastard hahah) Chicken wings, Scalloped Potatoes, cake, some mor
e shit, and...A SALAD! lmao. what a guy...in a way i was like "lucky bastard...i hate you for being able to buy a shit load of my favorite foods and not second think any of it". The guys had quite the belly on him though so it helped me realize THAT'S what i would look like eating that crap.
Well. That's all for now, basically today was a good day as far as food goes, exercise wasn't to bad, but the ACTUAL workout comes later tonight.


Now. Those yummy foods i was going to buy were...

Now..Imagine this, But PEANUT BUTTER flavored! HALLELUJAH!


Now, This stuff if genius no? yum yum!


Oh one last thing.
My mom made banana bread today, all i can say is..


YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME?!

I Feel Great!

Its 9:30pm and I'm having my first yogurt of the day.

I was up at 3:30pm and i was planning on fasting but clearly that didn't work, So I may push fasting till tomorrow OR the 23rd since the chances of me successfully fasting for sure is that day.
Today i did a lot of walking, i was out with my dad basically all day so i burned quite a few calories im guessing, then i mopped and vacuumed my bedroom floor and now i am playing Super Mario (i love that guy hahah).
I have already been eating this yogurt for like a good 10 minutes hahah, and i plan on just having a glass of Fizzy flavored water (zero calories and zero sodium) to keep me even more full (which i surprisingly am).

My uncle is coming over from Toronto today so him and my aunt and mom and dad will probably be up till pretty late tonight so i wont get to get on the treadmill until around 1 30 -2 since i hate exercising in front of people.

anyways i need to cut this short. i have tons to say later but my dads beside me and I'm a little awkwarded out at the moment hahah

Thursday, August 19, 2010

blechhh.

Today was REALLY bad as far as food goes. Not so much a "binge" but i basically ate junk all though out the day, I purged though. i was 99lbs this "morning" after staying up all night. (I'm guessing i would be around 101 tomorrow though...oh god i think i just puked in my mouth a bit lol). Since i slept all day 2 days ago i ended up staying up all night last night and all day today and now its midnight. So tomorrow I am skipping weigh in day, taking a "Special pill" and fasting, and going to the movies with my cousin, his girlfriend and my brother. Then i need to get really hardcore since the 23rd and 24th i have a doctor & social worker appointment and i DO NOT want to go in looking fat. That's embarrassing. Well I feel like shit, and i know i look like it. I'm going to go purge this sandwich and rice i just ate (don't judge me hahah) and then go to sleep. I'm fucking exhausted and cant do any exercise, besides i already did a lot of dancing and jumping jacks earlier (which was basically pointless considering i just ate again. yuck) Tomorrow I will be back on track, I swear. I will be caught up on my sleep and it will be like a fresh start, I'm pretty excited actually!
OH one more thing, I went grocery shopping and bought 60 calorie chocolate pudding (Which is usually on my NEVER buy list) and 100 calorie Vita Top chocolate cookies (Which i use to buy until I got to into my "diet"). But i bought these to help me stay away from binging and purging for a longer time. I figure, If i eat only a yogurt a day like i was doing then i can treat myself to a pudding or cookie instead of a yogurt like once a week. I would do a salad a day like i use to..but ever since i found a worm in my head of lettuce, I am unfortunately sworn from salad for a long long ass time.
Here are some pictures of me i took today, I'm kind of pleased...But the angles of the pictures do me justice. But i figure if i look at these pictures it will help keep me on track.



God i wish i actually looked like that...
Weird how pictures can look so much different than reality... Okay i am just depressing myself. I am going to sleep now so tomorrow i can fast and feel light for the first time in a few days.

Stay strong guys!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Exercise Night.

Bonjour.
Well since i slept all day, its pretty clear i will be up all night (I usually do anyways), but the difference between me being up all night tonight then any other night, is i have more energy tonight. So i plan on exercising all night, i have my treadmill, exercise bike (not sure if i will use it...it adds bulk and muscle to legs I've heard and that exactly what i want to stay away from), My wii fit and some weights.
My plan is to start of with running in place while carrying weights every commercial break (so 3 minutes each break), I will do that for a while, Then i will go on the treadmill for around 30 minutes, Then i will go back to the running in place while carrying weights during every commercial break, and then i will play some wii fit.
Then I'm going to do some push ups, sit ups and jumping jacks before bed, I've already started the commercial thing, I can really feel it in my arms, I'm hoping to tone them up more.


Okay I just had to stop typing so i could do my second round of running in place with the weights, and my liver was acting up again, i started to get a really bad pain in my side so i had to take a break. Its still hurting.
But next commercial break i will run in spot faster with my knees up higher. and i will do an extra five minutes on the treadmill.

So, I'm not going to lie.
I am not much of an exerciser, I use to be more so then i am now, but even then, i wasn't all that hardcore
, I would be on the treadmill a lot throughout the day but only for 20-40 minutes, sometimes 10-15. I wish i was more of an exerciser but I'm super lazy and i run out of breath easily and get tired easily, I also have asthma and on top of that smoke cigarettes. BUT i am trying to get more into exercising. I try to sneak some in my everyday life like skip a step while RUNNING up the stairs, shaking my legs ALL the time, jumping jacks in between purging (hahah) and whenever else seems like a good time to do some jumping jacks, I try to go out as much as possible with my dad so i walk more. But all this isn't helping my weight loss as much as I'd like, so i am trying to get some proper exercise in, It will be hard but whatever.
Even if i don't want to exercise i will force myself to as much as possible because this is how i see it "You never WANT to binge, but you do it anyways, so who cares if you 'don't want to' exercise, your going to do it anyways"


Plus tomorrow is my way in day, I'm so scared and nervous...
Anywhoo, Time to get back to my exercise routine.



"What i wouldn't do to be Alice looking through the looking glass, taking one of those pills that makes you small, so small. What i wouldn't do to be less..."

*Yawwwnn*

Holy shit.

Its 8:34pm and i JUST woke up haaahah at least i successfully fasted without even trying lol. I don't have much to talk about since I just woke up and I'm still not all there cause I'm a little drowsy still hahah.
I will tell you about my weird dream(s) though, number one, i had a dream that my old best friend (not the one i ranted about a couple times, she was one i grew up with and don't talk to much anymore) joined the ana forum whyeat! So i had to stop going onto the website because i didn't want her to find out a
bout me! WHAT A NIGHTMARE! Number two, Okay, Last night before bed i listened to "Somebody To Love" by Justin Bieber (DONT JUDGE ME) hahah That's the only song i like by the kid and i tell everyone I'm ashamed to say i am, and i should have my mouth washed out with bleach, anyways, Last night i had a dream i was dating Justin Bieber... :| I'm not even going to go into detail with THAT nightmare.

So clearly I'm in a better mood then
last night, obviously because i fasted without any struggles today haahaha. Hope everyone else is doing well! I'm just going to post some thinspo in this post! Then play some Super Mario :)






"I Had a hole in my heart so i threw away my plate, because nothing filled me up, no matter what i ate."


P.s My bones ache and I'm cold.
SIGNS OF SUCCESS.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Rant - Part Two.

Okay well I have still have so much on my mind right now.

Today's binge(s) honestly tore me apart, i was just crying while staring at my body in the mirror, mainly because I think i have came to the conclusion that i will never be thin, never be beautiful, never have that perfect body i want and picture in my head, that super skinny no fat or muscle what-so-ever body. Or at least i will never see it, but more so i will never get it.
So whats the point..?
This doesn't mean I'm considering recovery, These are just thoughts...

But really, I just feel like there's something huge missing in my life, maybe its everything considering I've based my teenage life around my body and dieting.
I'm dead set on the fact that I'm never going to get where i want to be...I'm not strong enough. I cant even picture myself with that skin and bone body when i close my eyes, I will always have these jiggly untoned thunder thighs, these chubby cheeks and puffy,bloated,pouchy tummy, with my arms that have always been huge, and manly calves and cankles, my sausage fingers and love handles that never seem to want to go away, and of course my hips that are about as wide as a house, and my boobs that I've always been uncomfortably commented on growing up.
It's funny though, because i always wondered what i would look like at 99-100lbs and its nothing like I'd hoped. I look the same as i did at 110,115,120,145! It's
ALL THE SAME!
Hopefully at 85-90 I will finally start to see a change.


I get told by people that I'm getting thinner constantly, but i really truly do not see it.
You would think that I would think "well if people are saying I'm getting thinner, then i must be".
WRONG. In my mind, these people know about my "eating disorder" and just tell me this to get me to eat and get fatter.
I wish i could see that i was getting thinner (if i really am..) I know the numbers on the scale are going down, but really what does that prove? I'm actually SEEING the body that's apparently losing weight millions of times a day in the mirror, and to me i still look like a fat slob.
I wake up every morning hoping to look in the mirror and for once think "Wow..you actually do look skinny."

I just want this all to end! When will it end? Does it ever end?!

I'm constantly failing, not just in my journey to be thin but everything else too, i failed my last year of high school and need to return to school next semester (My mom & dad had 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl..I'm the one girl, also the youngest. Only one kid completed high school, my brother who's the second youngest of us all, the one I'm constantly compared to).
I failed my mom and dad as the daughter they always wanted, not just for school but so much more, I'm constantly reminded, I mean they wanted a girly, smart, successful daughter. Instead they got me, a Fall down, drug addicted, high school failing, punk girl with green hair. They cant look past all this to see who i REALLY am, which is actually smarter then
A LOT of people take me for, funny and strong (I do all the guy stuff around the house and help my dad instead of my brother).
So the only way i can show my success and prove i am strong and can be that perfect daughter. Is to starve off all my flaws and fails. Which apparently i cant do.

I have so many thoughts and questions running threw my head right now its ridiculous. I feel so alone and hopeless.
Why me? Why anyone with an eating disorder? Why cant we all just be happy and love ourselves for who we are? It's less painful.

AJHDGSDJKASHFKAHKHAJHF!
So sorry for the first extremely emo venting. BUT It felt good to type all this out.

Time for some Slimquick.
See ya later guys! Maybe after some exercise and sleep tomorrow i will wake up on the right side of the bed.

Kill Me.

Please.
Just kill me.

Two binges today :( ... Maybe its from lack of sleep last night, seems like I'm blaming that on everything today, maybe i should just man up and face the fact its my lack of self-control. Time to get some "Special Pills" tomorrow and fast.
ugh i hate that! desperate times come for desperate measures though.

Three binges in 2 days = ridiculous.

Why do people binge?! WHY WHY WHY! Why is it so hard to set a goal for the day and stick to it...hmm, maybe its not hard at all. maybe I'm just weak.
This totally ruined my day. Time to purge then exercise THEN sleep. blah.
I took 4 diet pills all together today, hopefully that will count for something ? Tomorrow I cant eat, I wont eat, I don't need to eat! I ate enough today to last me for so long.
This is so exhausting, I wish i could sit around my dinner table with the rest of family like when i was younger and just eat dinner and tell stupid stories and jokes, and then watch movies and eat some popcorn with my brother and dad, and go for Dairy Queen and Mcdonalds runs like before. It was so much simpler...Way less tiring then binging,purging, fasting, restricting, exercising, constantly thinking about food,diets and nutrition...well you know what it's like now.

Once again i feel contaminated and disgusting...
I just want to rip out my fat with my bare hands right now!

Fails like this constantly make me think "Your a joke Cass, You don't have an 'eating disorder', go eat another cheeseburger fatso."
I feel so down in the dumps! hahaha, Such a drastic mood change from earlier.
See what binging does! Totally ruins your day! The purging feels great, Then after its like "BLAH!" because you still know what you did, The guilt runs through my blood,brain and veins until i fast or do a really good day restricting.
I wish i never had to eat, I wish i could live off of air.. well i just need to ask myself whats more important, the want for food or the want for thin...the thing I'm constantly struggling and fighting for, for that success feeling I'm always mentioning!

Well enough of my emo rant.
As I've said before, i just have to push forward and try again because the past is in the past.
But like the Title says...

KILLL ME NOW!

p.s i wont be weighing myself tomorrow. I hate weighing myself a day after a binge..It just makes me feel so much worse... I just want to cry right now...I just want to eat normal...why is it so hard to eat normal!
why is it so damn hard to eat without feeling guilty! why cant i just eat a normal meal and not worry about purging, or exercising, or fasting or restricting.
I just want to be normal...and happy.
But i also just want to be frail and small and delicate.

But its not going to happen..is it..

Yoohoo.

Ugh. Look at her legs!
Bastard .. -_-'


Okay. First let me just say DO NOT HAVE KIDS. Babysitting sucks, and i am getting my tubes tide tomorrow hahaha. The one girl was a brat, true definition of one, i could complain all day but id rather not so i can get my mind off them, it was 8 hours of hell and so not worth 45 dollars, I'm not going back hahaha. The only good thing was i did A LOT of moving, i actually weighed myself when i got back and i was a pound lighter. Being a pound lighter closer to the end of the day AND only having 2 hours of sleep, not to shabby at all lol. First thing i did with the money was buy slim quick drink mix for 30 dollars. So that's not to bad. I also haven't eaten at all today yet and its 6:07pm don't plan on eating for the rest of the day, really no point, plus I'm exhausted i cant even eat haha.

Hmmm. Not much else to say, besides i was 99lbs last i checked, hopefully fasting for the rest of the day, some exercise tonight and tons of sleep i will hopefully be a good 97 tomorrow. I'm hoping so damn bad! 97lbs would be my lowest. Gah one can only hope. So... My knees hurt, my ankles hurt, my back hurts, and i already have no money left from babysitting the devils. BUT... I got some expensive slim quick drink mix things that my dad always (somewhat) complains about (since their expensive), i got to go shopping and bought some pimpin tights and a new Super Mario game for wii ;) , A FREE MAGAZINE - HOLLLAAAA! and i haven't eaten yet. (SCORE) Overall a decent day, I'm in a good mood and for once went out with JUST my mom and ... was nice! That's shocking for me, I must be in a good mood. No way in hell am i ruining it with eating later. Oh yah, not that its important but i bought a new flavor of 35 calorie yogurt, The ones i have now are dessert flavored (for still 35, yum yum yum) and now i have some berry fruit explosion stuff, the color of the box was really bright and vibrant so i had to get them. Anyways, i better stop rambling, if i forget anything i will most likely post another post sometime tonight anyways.

"As you try to find some source of light, try to name one thing you like, you used to have such a longer list and light you never had to look for it."

 

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