Sunday, August 29, 2010

Super Depressed.

As most of you guys could probably tell, i haven't exactly been "myself" lately. I have been feeling really depressed and hopeless.

I HAVE been exercising more, but my binging has basically been the same, i am so pathetic i went jogging today then binged when i got back :'( ,but i was 99lbs this morning which i
GUESS isn't so bad...if you like being average. I don't even LOOK average, i swear my arms are growing right before my eyes, i still haven't talked to my parents. I actually ended up pushing my mom today, i was sitting in my room and she came in once again trying to get me to talk to her, i wasn't answering so she just walked in and started bugging the hell out of me then tried to hug me and get me to laugh, the more she tried the more pissed off i got, i yelled "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE" i then got up, and shoved her out the door and she says "your going to make me cry" (she wasnt serious, don't worry) i then slammed the door and went back in my room.

I have that feeling once again that i will never be good enough, good enough for my self, or anyone else. I will always be fat and out of control.
My throat is killing me and i have been abusing laxatives and diet pills like crazy just to at least maintain my 99lbs because i am terrified to get back into the 3 digits again...

I want to take a break from blogging for a few days, because i want to come back in a few days and say "I lost weight!".
I want to desperately get back into my anorexic habits. Its time to switch one illness for another, I am going to do exactly what i use to do. Its going to be hard though, because then i didn't even WANT food, i struggled to finish a plain lettuce salad, i had
CONTROL then, but the similarities from then and now, are i want the same thing...THIN, CONTROL, and so much more...
I realized that when i think I'm going to binge, i usually do. Like today, i ate an orange, but while eating that orange i thought "I'm going to binge, i know i will, i always do" so about 5 minutes after eating the orange i binged.
But i swear on my life i am done.

I am done with bulimia, with being fat and out of control, with feeling hopeless and useless, with being FAT and unhappy.
I would rather be thin and unhappy, then fat and unhappy.

Whats the point in eating if i still feel empty?

So, You may not here from me in a couple of days, I will be back to my TRUE self, the me that gets high off of starving and gets high off of the control. I am sick of my life right now...

i want to starve. i want to starve. i want to starve. i want to starve away my pain.

I am going to try a thing, where i eat zero calorie sugar packets instead of binge.
I don't want anyone to think I am a fake who is TRYING to "become" anorexic by the way. I went from Bulimia, To Full fledged Anorexia, To Binge Eater, To (currently) Full fledged Bulimic.
I miss normal...
What is normal...


AAOS said...

You've probably heard this a million times, but it really works. I have a painful rubber band around my wrist, and whenever I think of binging, I just pull it back and snap it on my wrist. It works for me, even though it makes me feel like a dog. But binging will tear up your insides, so be careful :(

And I hope you're feeling better in a couple of days. <3

Jaz said...

your dong well, i cld reeli use someone like you to talk to, most of yr posts i can relate to so much..its quite terrifying. whats yr msn? or i can give u mine

Jaz x

Sophie11 said...

aww hun, Im sorry you feel so crappo. Its a horrid, dirty, nasty, sad cycle but we live it every day :(
Big Virtal hugs and hope to hear you back on your blog soon.

xo Sophie11

Kade said...

Jeez babe, I'm sorry everything's so out of control for you right now. But you've got lots of love and support here, just know that.

But seriously, the rubber band trick really does work. Conditioning, and psychology, and all that jazz. Every time you think you want to binge just snap it, and it will trigger a negative response to binging in your brain, and it could help you to eventually stop binging all's worth a shot at least.

*hug* Hope you feel better soon. <3 Kade

MakeMeThis said...

I love your posts. You remind me a lot of myself.

And 99lbs is great! I'm still at 104 and I'm only 1 inch taller than you, so be happy lol. You'll get there.

stay strong

Sosic said...

holy moses. i didn't expect so many comments lol.
i think i am going to start blogging again, i just have so much on my mind that i need to let out constantly.

AAOS: I think i may do the rubber band trick! I've heard of it so many times but never expected it to actually work, but it actually makes a lot of sense lol. thanks!

Jaz: i rarely ever use msn, but i have an account specifically for my disordered eating friends! haha i don't go on it much but i have been thinking about going on it more often again, sosic_420@hotmailcom. cant wait to chat with you :D hahaha.

Sophie11,Kade & MakeMeThis: Thanks for the support guys, jees i have no idea what i would do with any of you guys!

thirst for your spit said...

Girl I see your face and I'd stop eating and drinking and live off the spit that's yours I kiss!just look for the quarter Jewish looking guy speaking Italian named Steve reading vogue magazine to sketch that's me I'm from Yonkers New York .I've been vegaterian for three years now been baker acted and am found in Walmart palatca midelburge florida books a million gainsvile florida you cute fairy!


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