Friday, August 27, 2010

I'm Pissed, Sad, Disapointed, etc.

Sorry for not updating last night, i went to my friends house (which i am never doing again), we had an okay night (it was my bulimic friend) I was doing so well yesterday, maintained at 97lbs all day. Then me and her binged (because yes...marijuana), She didn't purge after wards but i was like "No way in hell can i keep this in". The whole time i was thinking "how can you keep that all in! I would rather die then keep a binge inside".
After the purge i fell asleep, Right when i woke up this morning i felt disgust, failure, and disappointment, I told her i wanted to go home. So i walked home (Jogged part way) and when i got home, I discovered my purge bowl...
I ran upstairs and checked under my futon in my room and BOTH purge bowls were gone.
I am fucking unbelievably pissed.
I am 18 fucking years old, and have absolutely no privacy in my fucking house for my stuff. They already know i purge, and they never really say anything, so why the hell do they suddenly decide to search my room! Like gee mom THANKS for cleaning my bowls and stuff, but come the fuck on! I was so pissed, and felt like i had absolutely no control or privacy in my house, i binged one last time, grabbed a new purge bowl and purged it all. That was about an hour ago, its almost 4pm now and i am starving the rest of the day and fasting tomorrow. If my parents don't want me purging, and don't have the decency to show me some privacy in my own damn bedroom while i am gone, then i wont purge, well i wont binge and purge, i will still purge small amounts because purging releases so much when i do it.

I am just fuming right now.
My mom came upstairs when she got home and tried saying Hello to me and having a normal conversation, i just kept my eyes glued to my computer and had a pissed off look on my face and didn't say anything to her, i haven't said anything to her or my dad since I've gotten home 3 hours ago. and i don't plan on saying anything.
They still haven't brought anything up (as usual) but they know i know. They think i will just let it go, Not this time. I'm sick of being treated like a little kid, It's one thing to wish things were how they were back when i WAS a little kid, but fucking treating me like i have nothing that's rightfully mine, and nothing i can keep a secret, and invading my privacy is a whole other level. Who knows what else they looked through! I just want out! I am going to starve my self out of this world. I want them to think this is their fault. I hate my family!

So on top of all that bull shit, and the fact that it triggered me to starve and restrict so much more then i was due to lack of control and privacy and having nothing that's MINE but an eating disorder (which they are also slowly trying to take away apparently!)...
... I am probably up to around 99 fucking pounds again. I feel fatter then i ever have. I might as well weigh 200 pounds, That's what i feel like i weigh, 150lbs fat 50lbs failure from my recent binges. Ugh! I never should have left my fucking house. I would probably be 96lbs and my purge bowls would still be under my futon!

Kill me. Seriously, Someone just mail me a letter that self destructs when i open in.
Do me the favor PLEASE!

My mind is just racing right now. I feel like I'm in a prison, TWO! AT THE SAME TIME! WHICH ISN'T EVEN POSSIBLE! I'm a prisoner in my head, and my house. I thought your home and head were suppose to be the safest places? Now where do i go? How do i escape?
Oh right...starve.

Blah. I am going to read "Distorted" and then exercise my big fat legs are numb.


Kandie said...

I'm so sorry that your parents invaded your trust like that. Not cool. I'm 25 and my parents have seemed to have finally learned (ie I've freaked out on them enough) to leave my shit alone.


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