Tuesday, August 24, 2010

*sniff* I smell forced recovery...

Shit son.
Totally shouldn't have let my mom come into the doctors office with me. It did NOT go very well, I'm going to give as much detail as possible.

I went, and my doctor said there was a medical student or some shit their that was going to talk to me for the first half and then he would come in after and talk to me (i guess shes practicing to be a nurse). Anyways, she said my mom made the appointment because i have back pain, so we got into that a little bit and then she got into my depression and she asked if i was still taking Celexa and i said "yupp" then my mom butts in
"no she isn't, she stopped"
then the nurse is like
"Oh okay, any reason why you stopped? do you think your feeling better emotionally"
and i say
"yeah, i just don't like to go out with friends anymore, but that's not depression, i just don't want to go out... when i lived in Gan (3 years ago) i NEVER went outside, i guess I'm just use to it now, I'm annoyed around people and i feel uncomfortable...NOT depressed" she then asked if i have a lot of energy, and i say
"oh yah, i can be up for 2 nights and still be perfectly fine", she writes some shit down. We then got off that topic, and she asked if there was anything else i wanted to talk about, me and my mom both brought up my liver pain, and she just asked me a few questions so she could get more information about what it could be, she asked me questions, i forget what most were but the ones i DO remember are
"Do you eat properly" and i say
"oh yah man! perfectly" and my mom goes
"pfft!". and then she asks
"Do you have your period?" and i had to say no because my mom already knows i don't get it, then she asks
"How long has it been?" and i say
"I don't even remember, maybe around a year or something" then she starts asking me if I'm sexually active lmao. I say
"No (lie), And I'm not pregnant. If i haven't had it for a year i would think i would have the baby by now".

Then the doctor keeps asking me questions to figure out why it stopped then my mom once again butts in
"It's because she doesn't eat, shes too thin, THAT'S why she doesn't get her period". Right then i was pissed.

The doctor asks me stupid shit like do you eat meat, and i say the vegetarian meat, she asks what i eat for breakfast and before i could answer my mom says
"Nothing" and i say
"Will you shut the hell up! you don't even know shit! Get out of here!" and then i start to tear up, but i was trying SO hard not to cry. Then the doctor says
"Would you feel more comfortable if your mom left the room?" I didn't answer. Then she says to my mom
"Okay maybe we should just *does hand motion in the air to say 'not say anything'*" My mom agrees.

The doctor then looks at me again..
"Okay, so breakfast?" and i say
"Nothing, I've NEVER eaten breakfast growing up, no one in my family does." Then she says
"Lunch?" and i say
"Food?" and she says
"What kind of food?" and i say
"I don't know! Toast and shit!? I eat different shit everyday!" (I'm pissed at this point clearly, because my mom. and my doctor was already on my case about my ED at my last appointment in January but i got him to forget about it) anyways, she then asks
"what about dinner?" and i say
"whatever the hell my parents are eating?" and she says
"which is what?" and i say
"I DON'T KNOW! whatever they make that day!" Then i say "Sometimes i make my own meals, i have cookbooks and all that" then my mom says
"Yeah sometimes she does make her own salads"
then the dumb doctor asks
"Do you drink milk?" (my last blood test results said i had weak bones) I say
"No, I hate milk" and my mom says
"You use to like it" and i say
"You don't even know what your talking about! I NEVER liked milk! (which is true!)".

I then look at what my doctor writes and it says:

"Diet: No milk, No Meat, No lunch, No breakfast, Salad for Dinner"

Then my REAL doctor comes in, and him, the stupid bitch, and the other stupid bitch are sitting basically around me while I'm in the corner, My doctor (pretty cool guy...) asks if he has weighed me before, and he said
"yes we have a weigh in from a few months ago, 53kg.. do you know how much you weigh now? Probably lighter right? You look it." and i say
"I don't know" and he says
"Okay well i think we should have a weigh in" and everyone's like
"yaaa! dgshdgs :D" and i say
"No. I don't like people knowing my weight, so I'm not going to" and he says
"Okay, I'm not going to force you. *looks at computer* it says you don't eat much.." and i say
"So they think" then my mom says
"well...she does eat" and i say
"SEE! She doesn't even know what shes talking about! shes changing her story now!" and my doctor says
"ok ok. We don't want a war going on"

and then a bunch of other bull crap goes on, and i have another fucking appointment September 14th, and he said i have no choice, i have to have a weigh in.
so guess what mother fuckersssssss! IM NOT GOING!

I always say, no one in the world REALLYYY has a choice in anything they do now do they? There's no such thing as "freedom of speech" or "having your own choice". Or else their wouldn't be laws, and jail and all that shit.
So i ALWAYS try to do what I want. and say my opinion. and there's no way in hell am i being forced to get weighed! and let everyone see the numbers on the scale and have everyone know how much i weigh. Its MY secret, its MY choice to keep it a secret and its MY life. MY MY MY!
I'm pissed.

My mom was basically the Mom's you see in the ED movies, putting words in my mouth, talking for me.
Now, My mom is the man and i love her and all, and she knows about my Eating Disorder so i understand she was just telling the doctor the truth since i was clearly lying, and half the time when i was lying she just sat back and listened. and i feel bad for putting her through all this, but you know how it is. You will do anything to keep your secret a secret and make sure no one finds out, no matter who you hurt. I still lie about it, even though my family knows.

Blah, now my doctor is all over my ass about my Eating Disorder, things wont change around my house. I will still be able to eat whatever and whenever i want because my mom knows not to force me to eat or all hell will break lose hahah.
I just don't know what will happen from here on...

Besides all of that balogna. I fasted today, its 9:31pm.
I'm going to exercise because i have this huge voice yelling at me "NO CONTROL. NO CHOICE."
Well I will show you voice. I do have control in my life, and i do have a choice to do what i do and don't want.
I also bought three eating disorder books, Part two of "Insatiable" It's called "Ravenous". Part one was pimpin! Then i got "Distorted" and "The Starving Family"

Another thing, Don't you hate when people, ESPECIALLY FAMILY, Complain and say "I haven't eaten all day" or "I'm starving" i just want to scream "No No. I'M starving! Remember?!"
Hahahah god. What an exhausting day, I'm going to read!



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