Kill Me.

Please.
Just kill me.

Two binges today :( ... Maybe its from lack of sleep last night, seems like I'm blaming that on everything today, maybe i should just man up and face the fact its my lack of self-control. Time to get some "Special Pills" tomorrow and fast.
ugh i hate that! desperate times come for desperate measures though.

Three binges in 2 days = ridiculous.

Why do people binge?! WHY WHY WHY! Why is it so hard to set a goal for the day and stick to it...hmm, maybe its not hard at all. maybe I'm just weak.
This totally ruined my day. Time to purge then exercise THEN sleep. blah.
I took 4 diet pills all together today, hopefully that will count for something ? Tomorrow I cant eat, I wont eat, I don't need to eat! I ate enough today to last me for so long.
This is so exhausting, I wish i could sit around my dinner table with the rest of family like when i was younger and just eat dinner and tell stupid stories and jokes, and then watch movies and eat some popcorn with my brother and dad, and go for Dairy Queen and Mcdonalds runs like before. It was so much simpler...Way less tiring then binging,purging, fasting, restricting, exercising, constantly thinking about food,diets and nutrition...well you know what it's like now.

Once again i feel contaminated and disgusting...
I just want to rip out my fat with my bare hands right now!
Fails like this constantly make me think "Your a joke Cass, You don't have an 'eating disorder', go eat another cheeseburger fatso."
I feel so down in the dumps! hahaha, Such a drastic mood change from earlier.
See what binging does! Totally ruins your day! The purging feels great, Then after its like "BLAH!" because you still know what you did, The guilt runs through my blood,brain and veins until i fast or do a really good day restricting.
I wish i never had to eat, I wish i could live off of air.. well i just need to ask myself whats more important, the want for food or the want for thin...the thing I'm constantly struggling and fighting for, for that success feeling I'm always mentioning!

Well enough of my emo rant.
As I've said before, i just have to push forward and try again because the past is in the past.
But like the Title says...

KILLL ME NOW!
p.s i wont be weighing myself tomorrow. I hate weighing myself a day after a binge..It just makes me feel so much worse... I just want to cry right now...I just want to eat normal...why is it so hard to eat normal!
why is it so damn hard to eat without feeling guilty! why cant i just eat a normal meal and not worry about purging, or exercising, or fasting or restricting.
I just want to be normal...and happy.
But i also just want to be frail and small and delicate.

But its not going to happen..is it..