Sunday, August 22, 2010

Dont judge me till the end of this post!

okay i binged today.
No surprise there i know, but i have 2 days of fasting ahead of me, i
FINALLY got the "Special Pill" i've been going on about, but i got 2. unfortunately i got them AFTER my binge(s).

My first binge today wasn't TOO bad, but my second one that i just finished was awful. I only did it because I'm high, blah. Yes..i smoked weed today again.
But this is my last binge for a while that's SOURED OF why i went a bit more out then usual, lame excuse but its bulimia...what can you do. When i do these pills i dont eat or drink all day or night then the next few day i wont be hungry, even if i have like one grape or something, i wont get that urge to eat everything in sight, until i smoke weed again (which i don't plan on doing), or until i get that binge that's like UNCONTROLLABLE.

I know this all makes me sound like such a junkie, let me tell you i hate taking these pills...and I'm not going to say what they are, but i hate them.
But i do them so i don't eat...before i never needed them, i was afraid of i eat it to much and it drives me over the edge and to the point of taking pills to suppress my appetite. I'm really excited to be able to fast tomorrow. FUCKING FINALLY. I feel so gross right now, but I'm just going to exercise as much as possible so i don't gain to much from it, because tomorrow i will feel a tiny bit better and more in control.
Tomorrow i have to wake up at 10 for a appointment with my social worker, now i may not have fasted today like i had hoped (i wanted to fast the day before my appointments), but at least i will for sure for my doctors appointment.

Now i am not going to leave you hanging, I'm going to confess my binge foods today. (T.W)
Binge 1 (around 4pm, around 1500 calories):
Brownie (2).
Banana Bread.
Bread & Butter (I don't even like butter!!).
Cinnamon Bun Thing.
Ice Cream Cone (the already made ones).
Peanut Butter (Lmao god I'm pathetic).

I exercised quite a bit after that, and then i went out to my friends house for the first time in forever, my ex was there and i haven't talked to him since we broke up like 2 months ago, we all smoked weed and it was pretty fun actually!) Then i went home, and of course the munchies kicked it, and since i barely have control anymore sober, high was just a train wreck. I had...

Binge 2 (Around 9:30pm):
Peanut Butter & Jam Sandwich (2)
LOTS of Chinese food.
(Chicken Balls, 2 Roll Things, and Other Shit That looks Weird and Unhealthy.)

I was so stuffed it hurt to move and purge.

Like i said i cannot wait until tomorrow, 2 day fast i am hoping to lose 4lbs with exercise. i was 101lbs this morning, i am hoping to be around 97-98lbs.

Oh I just have a story that happened today at my friends, She also has an ED (It's the one i was ranting about...) anyways, she pulled out food because she was munching and she was like "this is my last time i swear!" and then i took it away from her cause i know she would have wanted me to, but then she just ate it anyways, and she felt really bad about being the only one eating so i said i would take a bite, and right when i did i got hit by the worst feeling of guilt I've ever felt. i honestly couldn't swallow...i PHYSICALLY could NOT swallow! I started to tear up, she went upstairs and i spit out the food..
How come when i came home i didn't have that feeling?...

God i just want tomorrow to come.
I'm going to take some laxatives tonight, I haven't taken them for about a week or 2, I use to take about 6 a night.
Then i am going to take some diet pills (A little late but whatever, maybe it will do something as i exercise and sleep..wishful thinking).



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