Wednesday, August 11, 2010


I Binged! I fucking binged..
I don't even want to get into details, it was awful!

I got some special pills to help me fast tomorrow. i will do anything for thin..for control, for perfect and beautiful, for the feeling of success and happiness.
i swear tomorrow i wont fail, it will be pretty much impossible to fail with the plan i have.

Marijuana + Fasting DO NOT go well together, that's what led me to my binge. fuck...
i promise i wont have anymore failure posts, this is my first and my last.

I will do anything to be thin, and if i die getting there, so be it.

I have a doctors appointment on the 24th and an appointment with my social worker on the 23rd. i plan to lose as much weight as possible until then. i don't want them to think I'm fat.i want them to think I'm sick, and i want to feel like they care about me and want to help me.
not for obesity, for being "too thin".
which leads me to my next topic, what is "too thin"? who decided what "too thin" was, some random person had an opinion about someones weight, and said "they are to skinny" and suddenly THAT becomes the idea of "too thin". i hate it, same for "too fat".
I may not no what "too fat" looks like, but i know that's what i feel like. i feel so heavy, and like i haven't showered in days, and like I'm being weighed down by pounds and pounds of mud and dirt. I FEEL DIRTY! and UGLY and FAT. Tomorrow i will be on my road to thinner.

i feel so weak and small (but not small in a thin way, small in a non important way), i feel like i cant do anything right. I haven't felt this heavy in a while...
i feel hopeless right now.
I just want to go to sleep so tomorrow can come and i will NOT eat! I've got a little help..

Ahhh i just feel like cutting open my skin and ribbing out the fat!

stay stronger then me.



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