Day two.

Well i didn't fast today, i binged (surprise, surprise), a SMALLish binge, but i still call it a binge, it was basically a normal meal...blah.
I managed to go until 9pm without food, and of course all day yesterday. No one was home so i ate, not because i was hungry. because i wasn't in the best mood.

God It's like there are two voices constantly fighting back and forth in my head, anorexia and bulimia..

Bulimia: "Come on! just ONE slice of pizza you can get rid of it after!"
Anorexia: "No don't do it! you don't NEED it! and whats the point if your 'just going to get rid of it'"
Bulimia: "Just do it! your weak! you know you want to"
Anorexia: "You DON'T NEED IT! your fat! ugly! and useless! don't you want to show yourself and everyone else how beautiful and in control and strong you can be!"

Sometimes anorexia wins, it use to be all the time. Now Bulimia is louder, that voice in my head is right, I'm weak...
and it feels like no matter what i do, I'm not getting any thinner. i was 101lbs this morning, its 2:15am and after my binge and purge earlier i weighed myself a few minutes ago and I'm still 101, tomorrow i will be about 100lbs. but why do i feel and look so big? ALL THE TIME! i swear I'm growing not shrinking. I bet if i didn't binge so much i would see faster results... ugh its just so hard.
What triggered my binge today was anger,disappointment, and sadness. I had plans to go out for the first time in about a month or 2, it was the first time i actually felt like doing something! and i was fasting specifically for this day, there's a guy i like, and he invited me to come hang out and party with him in the first place! Then my friend bailed last minute, i told her about it days ago and she said "okay", and i reminded her this morning and she was still up for it, i dyed my hair lime green (i do crazy colors all the time) and i was excited! Then shes all like "well, can i do my hair and makeup at your house first?" and i was like "no cause i have to hurry up because my brother is already pissed I'm taking so long" and she got all mad and then was like "I'm not going to go, I'm not on the same level as you" ...WTF!
THE SAME LEVEL?!
She knows i have constantly been down, and not up for going anywhere, meanwhile she is out EVERYDAY, and the one time i finally want to go out she bails! shes suppose to be my best friend. i may sound like a whiny brat right now, but its more complicated then how I'm explaining it...
not to mention AFTER my brother leaves for the same party (he was my ride, and the party was 25 minutes away) she decides to message me, saying she "changed her mind".

FUCK YOU.
A little late budddy.

ugh. i was all of a sudden remeinded why i avoid people and stay home.

so on a side note.
i plan on fasting tomorrow then sticking to a strict diet of 35 calorie yogurt, 5 calorie jello and green tea.

sorry for the annoying rant here. my mind is just blown away with confusion and useless thoughts.
All i know is i want to be thin again, not weak. i want strong,beautiful and in control.