Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Day three binge free.

This is day three without binging and I'm 106lbs. i was 106 this morning and stayed at a steady 106 all day.

I am in such a bad mood though, i literally tore
EVERY SINGLE THING out of my closet, so now i have a mountain of pants,sweaters,shirts, etc on the floor of my room.
why? well you probably know why. ACTUALLY i was looking for these pair of jeans i literally wear every single day
AND THEY ARE MISSING! wtf! so then i had to face my fear of trying on other jeans, and that just got me furious so now i am sitting here in the same sweat pants i wore the past couple days and my safe sweater, instead of my jeans and a sweater and walking to the store to get the 15 dollars i won on a scratch ticket.

i am to fat and pissed to leave my room now.

i wanted to drink today because i was in such a bad mood so i was going to have Kahlua and skim milk, but my dad bought the 90 calorie per cup skim milk instead of the 70 calorie soy milk, or 80 calorie skim milk. so i scream "I CANT EVEN DRINK THIS!"

Its funny...i am losing weight but i am more bitter and miserable now than i have been the last few weeks. maybe its lack of food? the stress? maybe since i am not binging away my emotions, they are staying bottled up inside...i personally think its just because i am losing weight but my body is getting bigger instead of smaller.
i swear,my stomach is freakishly flat (not complaining) but looks stupid as fuck compared to the rest of my body. my man shoulders and 300lbs arms (each),compared to my tree trunk legs. my stupid ugly face.
i could go on and on bashing myself but i will stop here.

i am just so PISSED off today!
hopefully i will feel better later. but i doubt it. UGH.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


It's 10pm and I'm hungry as hell. but i just keep telling myself "This is what i want" and i am learning to get use to the hunger again. I haven't eaten all day and i have had one bottle of water with slim quick in it, and i did A LOT of exercise. My stomach is finally flatter (like the flattest its been in a while), my collar bones are sticking out more. and i have lost 2lbs just today (110lbs to 108lbs). It feels good to see the numbers on the scale go down, i feel powerful and light and clean! I don't really have much else to tell besides that. Nothing exciting happened today except the guy i liked texted me this morning wishing me a happy birthday :):) that made me smile lol. So i think that's all for today!


Because the mirror hurts worse then starving.


Hey guys!
sorry i havent been blogging much lately, the reason why is basically because i am sick of writing my failures. BUT i havent actually been doing so bad lately. Still binging every once in a while but i mean not as much (DEFINETELY not as much) and they arent as big, and i usually fast all day then binge at night (which isnt the best but still)
Yesterday i did alright I binged before bed and i was SO tired i thought "im keeping it in and going to sleep" then i LITERALLY had a fight with myself. talking to myself back and forth saying...

Me: Its only one time! keeping it in ONE time wont do anything!
Mia: Yes it will! You are going to sleep on it! THROW IT UP!
Me: Im tired! My glands are swollen! My throat hurts! My lips are dry and chapped! I have sores on my tounge! I DONT WANT TO!
Mia: You shouldnt have binged then!
Me: You are right..

So i purged.

Today, I did fairly well! I DIDN'T BINGE! but i ate kind of a lot, but some was healthy, and i only ate because of alcohol munchies. (i had to drink! its not called a barfday part for no reason!)
So i had some cake (On my own time. i do NOT eat in front of people). I started off just picking at it with my fork, so i had a tiny bit then i stopped, then i had a little bit of potatoes with ketchup. I purged all of that.
Then i started to get healthy! I had a couple slices of cucumber, then i had a salad, but i stopped myself before finishing the salad, and i purged.
Then i didnt eat for a while, then i had a little piece of bread and more cake lmao.
PURGED. Then just now i had some more cake and cheetos lmao.
I love my cake.
So not the HEALTHIEST diet today but at least it wasn't all at once.. so i had time to burn some off, plus the purging.

My legs have gotten SO chunky by the way. I mean NOTICABLY. so i have been living in sweatpants. blah.
SO I AM FASTING TOMORROW! i have 8 "special pills"... dfghjkygtfdscfvghjkgfv
dont judge me lol.

I cant wait to start fasting and losing weight. EEEEEK :D i plan to be 97lbs again very soon.

SO for my birthday today i got a new digital camera! and a picture book. and 150 bucks to buy whatever i want lol. DIET SHIT HEAR I COME! i also got slim quick drink powder mix stuff, and alcohol lol.
so i had a good day.
By the way i am finally 18! yaaaaay. I am in a pretty good mood...maybe because im drunk and a tad bit stoned...gotta let loose and have fun sometimes right lol.

I love you guys!

Now i am going to read "Wasted".
OH SHIT! I also bought a simpsons comic book today. two words: Fuck Yes.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Phew what a day!

Not for what happened today but for what happened last night, i had some drinks and smoked a little weed with that guy i like, we hung out for a few hours alone and watched a movie, he sat beside me and it seemed kind of like we both wanted to make a move but weren't sure how lol (lame). i use to only think negatively when it came to him, things like, "he would never like me", "he probably just said that because..." those kinds of things.
NOW.. i still have some doubt, but i am also
FINALLY starting to think positive and having a tiny bit of faith that this sexy guy MIGHT actually like me. but i don't want to jinx it so i am going to shut my mouth! hahahah.
Plus i have this thing, if i don't get my hopes up too high i don't have to worry about feeling like complete shit after things don't work out. that's my rule NEVER GET YOUR HOPES UP. I think that's why i am always thinking negatively about things like boys and stuff.

I have also decided, sometime after my birthday (the 28th of this month) i am going to do the whole hitchhiking to different places, with no money and just a musical instrument, i will sneak and jump on trains, and just live complete FREEDOM! just like the guy i like.
I swear i have never been so interested in doing something, just all the freedom you get from it, and how interesting and exciting it seems! my friend (whom i am once again friends with...) said
"i don't want you to go! you can get freedom by moving out"
but that's not the point, its not
JUST about being away from my family, that's actually not one of the reasons at all, its a different kind of freedom, plus the experience! all the stories i would come back with! the people i would meet! AHH i can't explain it...but i am for sure doing this. no doubt about it.

Now on to today, food wise, TERRIBLE!
but surprisingly I'm not to obviously i feel fat and gross, and of course out of control. but suddenly after meeting this guy i have this light in me now hahaha, it sounds so lame but i always am looking at the bright side of things now.
i feel like after tonight i can really get back into restricting, besides i was doing good up until today. and i blame the fact i was up all last night drinking AND smoking weed, and i had the one binge at 9am this morning and just thought "fuck it" and i literally binged from 9am until 1am. so for real,
ALL DAY! with tons of purging in between, but my stomach was like a bottomless pit i just kept eating and eating and eating and i was never full. the only times i purged was when i ran out of food (which i have no idea how i always ended up finding more...ahahha)
my tonsil things are soo swollen its insane, my throat really hurts...

:) happy happy happy

But yeah. I don''t know. I am surprisingly in a good mood, and i blame the guy for that haha. i have more of a "fuck it i don't care" attitude now, more then before hahah and a "This is what i think of this" attitude. which just gives me this little confidence boost for some reason (personality wise, NEVER looks wise). Oh and can i just quickly say that this is the first time i have actually been THIS interested in a guy, usually 2 days later i am over them or i just haven't found a guy that i was really into. but i FINALLY found the guy i have been looking for, i always described a guy just like him to my friends and thought "someone like that would be PERFECT!", and i never thought he would come along but he did!

So i have a few things to keep me really motivated to stop binging for as long as i can, and start losing..

1.I don't want to see that guy again until i lose some weight, and i REALLY want to see him. but i have this feeling if he sees me fat he will suddenly lose all interest he may have had in me. not taking any chances.
2.My birthday party is in less than a week and a lot of my old friends are coming and i REFUSE to be fat, i want to be told "you have gotten really thin.."

i bought the book "Wasted" today. I am going to read that all night! and i am going to bust it out tomorrow and it will keep me to occupied to eat (not that i will probably want to because i will be full for years).


you know you need to stop watching Jersey Shore when....
surprisingly being called a grenade didn't hurt me as much as it would have in the past, or as much as i thought it would have when my friend told me this.It's more funny to here's the story, you seeeee. me and my friend hung out with this guy SHE likes and two of his friends, and i guess i was the grenade out of me and my friend. but honestly, they weren't that great looking themselves, on top of that...if you are using the word "grenade" and your not from Jersey Shore. You need a smack or two.

So that is all :)
generally i am in a good mood. i plan on turning my binging/purging lifestyle around for sure tomorrow. i think since i am in a better mood, the need to binge wont be as bad since i usually binge when i feel emotionally drained, like depressed or angry. so if I'm happy, i wont want to eat :)


and everyone else too! :) It feels good to ..feel good..
lets hope it lasts.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


Everything is always my fault in this house, my mom bitches and nags and complains and gets me going, and then I get in shit for it by my dad, meanwhile my dad is the same way i am and bitches back at her constantly.

I will never be good enough. not for myself, not for anyone.
Which is true. I am not in school, but i should be, i have no job. Not that I care but everyone in the world is so brainwashed into thinking you need this shit.

I think im going to leave. like that boy i mentioned, just pack up a few things and just go. be free. i was planning on going this summer coming up, but i think i am going to leave earlier

I want to disappear so bad.
Everyone says an Eating Disorder is a slow form of suicide...well it couldnt take any longer, take all of me already!
Its time to really give it my all. I dont want to be here at all...


I woke up in an awesome mood today,weighed myself and im 106lbs!
much better then i thought, now i will keep weighing myself every morning again to keep myself on track.
but just a few minutes ago me and my mom got in ANOTHER fight, because all she does is nag,nag,nag she kept going off about how i am a child, who cant do anything for myself!
and if there are two things i hate the most:

1.being called stupid.
2.being told i cant do anything for myself.

So i scream....


Anyways i dropped my laptop and now the keyboard keeps pressing letters im not pushing. i will show you, i will type this same sentence without fixing it...

"AZnywazys ih dfoppedf m,y lazptop azndf now tihe kjeyboazrdf kjeeps pressihngv letters ihm, not pusihngv/. ih wihll sihow youm, ih wihll type tihs sazm,e sentence wihtihout dfihxihngv iht/././."

So i will end this here and post again when i get a new keyboard

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Pretty proud of myself!

Okay well i did fan-fuckin-tastic today!

Its 8pm and i haven't eaten, and the best part about that is i did it drug free! which i haven't done in SO long! and usually by this time i would already be like "go to bed everyone so i can binge!" but nope. i have no appetite whatso-ever. I had some diet coke through out the day and literally exercised ALLLLLL day! I played The Biggest Loser and sweated mad bullets.

I can't even explain how good i feel right now.
I guess "In Control" is a pretty good way to put it.

My stomach is already so much flatter then it has been in a while, probably from no purging, and obviously binging. My face isn't as swollen. Its so strange how one day can make a difference.
I think i might be comfortable enough to weigh myself tomorrow tomorrow, i am hoping i am under 110lbs again. even by one pound.

and my "friend" apologized to me on facebook LMAO.
I have other things on my mind that i want to concentrate on now. I told her, that was the last time. and i am sticking to my word. I am doing great with my exercise, and restricting. I am not ruining it again.
Selfish? maybe. but we all know eating disorders are a pretty selfish disease.

peace and love guys!

I hate my mom.

My mom found my stupid puke bowls under my bed for the millionth fucking time a few days ago, and she brought it up yesterday and i simply said "don't go looking for things you don't want to find."
She just got home from work and she starts going off about how she is going to take me to the hospital and keeps saying the DUMBEST stuff "Its a disease, do you want to die? you have to help yourself" the dumbest thing was this .. "I didn't raise you like this".
I SURE AS HELL HOPE YOU DIDN'T! what mother RAISES their child to have an eating disorder? she knows NOTHING about this and i try to tell her all the time that she doesn't.
Then she is like "I'm going to take you to the hospital yadadaddadada" and i say "Try it! You will NEVER see me again if you do"

I was suppose to go to the doctors last week but i didn't go, because i already got my results back from my liver and my back and my last appointment my doctor said i have no choice but to be weighed, so i knew i was going for my ED (which he hasn't fully diagnosed me with because i refuse to go to the doctors).

So i guess i don't know why I'm mad, i think its a combination of my STUPID mom saying stupid shit about something she knows nothing about, ATTEMPTING to force me to go to the hospital...

ok my mom just walked in my room and pissed me off a thousand times more.
Now she is blaming my town for my ED?
Why the hell does she stop blaming people and things. If anything it IS her fault and my stupid dad, my stupid family...


im so sick of everything...
Why can't life be good for more then a day or two? what does happy even feel like anymore? because i honestly have no idea... :'(
no food today... my appetite has never been so gone. 1L of Diet Pepsi to last all day.

Oh and to top it all off its my douche bag of a moms birthday today.
HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY! you ruined it for yourself you bitch. go celebrate away from me.

Now reading over this post it looks like i am over exaggerating a bit, but there is more to it then what i typed out, of course like with most rants and raves.
but my mom is TOTALLY the bad guy in this situation hahha.

New Life.

Okay i really need to get back into the blogging habit. and it seems like the perfect time, there is so much i need to fill you guys in on, but to much to say...
basically, me and my bestfriend are done. no more. i cant handle bull shit, she TRIES to make me sound like a shitty friend.but i am done with her, and people completely. so t
his gives me a chance to FINALLY have my lovely isolation back and focus on my ED, Blog, and ED Forum. I am giving it my all, and for once i am excited to wake up tomorrow morning to start over and start losing.

I want to starve off my emotions and feelings, and i want to disappear, disappear from this town, from everyone in it...

The guy i like and i are doing alright, he opened up to me today wh
ich is shocking since we still barely know eachother, like i mentioned he is kind of like a hitchhiker...travelling...bum lmao (who has a home to go to whenever he wants), so anyways he came back into town and came home a few weeks ago and is now feeling depressed because his friends came to town to visit but obviously had to leave a week later to carry on their traveling, they asked the boy i like to join but he just got a job. but he is pissed because he didn't intend to LIVE back home, just visit, and he feels lonely because all of his friends are gone once again, and now he wants to leave as soon as possible and is thinking about up and leaving around Christmas... so i tried to brighten the mood for him and help him think positive which i think worked...A BIT! So i think me and him are still getting along pretty good.

Also i am now doing my schooling at home, online. because i feel fat, uncomfortable and out of place at my current school and i refuse to go.

I binged really bad today. i did well all day then came home (high...fucking weed luckily i don't need to worry about that anymore) and i have been binging and purging from 8pm-now(4am) after this i am reading a book then sleeping!

Emotionally i feel drained..yet somehow like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder with me and my friend being done. i just feel like things will be easier from now on, and i wont constantly
have that feeling of obligation. and things will be back to how they were before i met her, which was more restricting, less binging and purging.
I feel like i am starting a completely new life!
I Bought "The Biggest Loser" for Nintendo Wii which i tested out today and its AWESOME! the work outs make you sweat but are pretty easy, so i plan on playing that all day tomorro
w. and depending on if i get that special pill or not tomorrow, i will either fast. or eat every 2 hours (an orange.. an apple, etc) just to prevent me from binging. then i will slowly cut foods out.
EEEEEK! I'm so excited!

oh yeah! aaaand when i tested out my Biggest Loser video game it weighed me (which i didn't want to do until i was more comfortable with myself) but i was up 110lbs....i can't believe it. and after my binge i am guessing i will be like...112lbs tomorrow,so i really need to step my game up!
i will update FOR SURE tomorrow! and i am also rebooting my entire computer, so hopefully MSN will work on it again and then i plan on chatting on that again..just like the good old days :)
turning back time my friends...turning back time.


i am not 100% sure if i am happy or not...

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Time To Go Back Into Isolation..

I'm depressed again. It shocks me how someone can go from pretty damn happy to extremely down in the dumps the next day.

I'm fat.and i can actually say that now (not that i couldn't before) My bones are hidden and i can just see the layers and inches of fat that formed on me. Its hideous, I can't be seen by people, i decided to stay home again. as much as i want to enjoy my life, drink with friends, and go to the fair this weekend. I can't... Not looking like this.

On top of that, i think i got my hopes up to high with the guy i like, i mean i was constantly telling my friend i don't think he likes me,but deep down a part of me was staying he gave me his sweater when i was cold! he walked me home!....but he was drunk, which makes me think...
Maybe its just the negativity constantly going on in my head, but I'm dead set on the fact he doesn't like me.
probably because i am fat and useless. No one wants a weak, useless fat girlfriend.

I need to buy tons of those special pills. I need to lose weight.
I'm so sad. Nothing ever goes right for me...

Need to purge...Then sleep.
I can barely keep my eyes open. I have a long walk tomorrow for exercise, about 40 minute walk there, 40 minutes back.
No food tomorrow.

I need to be beautiful.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Holy Crap.

Well i had yet ANOTHER drunken night last night.
binged, for fuck sakes. a pretty bad one too. me and my bulimic friend both shared a whole tub of Ice Cream, had a Hot Dog (on just normal sliced bread), another piece of sliced bread, Cheetos (HAHA), what my parents had for dinner (rice, kind of like a stir-fry), and a Popsicle. BOO.
and by the time we were done it was like 6am so we were exhausted, i don't know if she purged when she got home, but i know i tried. it was hard because i was just so DEAD and blah... i feel gross. but i did get some of it up! but not as much as usual which is unfortunate.

But some good news, i spent some alone time with the guy i liked yesterday FOR THE FIRST TIME, and only second time hanging out with him ;) hahaha and we just smoked cigarettes, listened to punk music and had a normal conversation, it was awesome. it was so casual, and we have a lot on common, i really hope he is thinking the same things as me. with my luck with guys, i doubt it.
I had school this morning at 8, so i had a whole hour of sleep lol. woohoo. but i got an agenda at school (lmao seriously, who still gets those right?) but it has like calenders, and goals for the week and stuff in it so i thought i would use it as a diet book. i wrote out my plan for the next 2 weeks. foods (which is no more then like 2 crackers and a pickle a day or something like that), my fasting days, and all the exercise i need to do. And then my goals, first it is get back down to 100lbs, I'm not sure what i am at yet but i know its not the greatest hahah my weigh in is Friday, then next week my goal is to lose another 5lbs, and then the next week i want to be around 90, and my birthday is that week so if i am around 90lbs i will get a Mohawk! a Banjo! or a Tattoo.


I walked home from school today so i could get some exercise, so i at least don't feel quite as contaminated and dirty and heavy. and i have a long day of exercise a head of me. so i need to start on that.
i will message with an update later :)

Sunday, September 12, 2010


Hey everyone!
Sorry i have been missing lately, I'm still alive though! haha. and honestly i don't think i have ever felt so alive!
I haven't been posting lately because the last few days i have been out drinking and just having...FUN! something i haven't had in a long time, i have so much to tell you all i don't even know where to begin haha so expect a long post!

First i will update you with my weight and how i am doing weight wise and eating wise. I haven't weighed myself in days. I am scared shitless to do that, I don't need to step on the scale to know i have gained, If i had to guess i would say it is somewhere between 105-110lbs. I am hoping it isn't over 110. But honestly i don't think it has gotten THAT bad hahah.
My binging is getting better! I mean, i haven't been restricting really, but i have definitely approved from my binging and purging 4-5 times a day. I am either eating a normal meal and purging, eating a LITTLE more then a normal meal and purging, or binging ONCE and then purging, And i can go longer throughout the day not eating. I actually did go one day fasting while i was gone.

Now for the FUN update! hahah. I will tell you day by day.

Day 1 (Monday): My friend had school on Tuesday, so Monday we decided to drink. and boy did we drink hahahaha. I had to sneak out, i originally planned on coming home before day light, but me AND my friend got home at 7am, when my family woke up haha, and we had to steal my friends car to drive me home in time! but we met up with one of our guy friend and listened to music at his place and drank. me and my friend left his place and walked back to hers, which is quite a ways away hhahah. we ran through a field with those sprinklers (the kind you see in the movie Thirteen) and we ran through them in our clothes but took off our shoes hahah. she lost her cell phone that night and i lost my ipod touch (damn!). we eventually got to her house hahaha and just stayed up all night, and went to her school drunk! (Its my old school i told you about, the really chill one!) anyways, i got kicked out hahhah and she left with me... and then this leads into day two....

Day 2 (Tuesday): One of the most random nights of my entire life lmao. where should i start, okay well. i was intoxicated with my friend (Same one from story one hahah) and we walked downtown in our hometown (pretty average sized city hahah) we met up with an old guy friend of mine i havent seen in a while! (i was originally suppose to meet up with this guy i really like, i will tell you about him soon don't worry ahhaha he is one reason i am really happy right now, but anyways, he just came back to town and so he wanted to catch up with some of his old friends and their mom), so me and my girl and guy friend just walked around downtown and drank, it was a pretty good time, he eventually went home and so me and my girl friend kept walking downtown finding out where our feet would take us hahah, we met up with a Bum (okay well he is a year older then me and he use to go to our school, but he is kind of like a punk kid, and he just CHOOSES to jump on trains and travel town to town with nothing but his guitar and make money that way. its really interesting, the guy i like does the same thing. but he isn't as dirty lmao) anyways, we met up with this guys and just started having a good time with him, walking around drinking, yelling random things at people, getting free beer by manipulating people hahah. good times, but then he was like "come sleep in my tent and run away to halifax with me" me and my friend were both like "hell no!" and ran from him when he turned around hahah! We then found a bakery, and knocked on the window and kept saying "FOOOOD! WE ARE HUNGRY" and so he let us in (it was closed!) and let us eat whatever we want lmao. we ate EVERYTHING (there were like 5 bags of muffins, and pastries) we just hopped up on the table, sat their and ate! hahaha i turned around and my friend opened up my bag and shoved bags in lmao. it was hilarious (she is also bulimic, so don't worry, we purged). We then met up with some random guys we met earlier that night and smoked weed at their place, i kind of over did it with the booze and weed, i blacked out. not good at all, so we had to leave. we were suppose to take a cab but we had no money and the guy forgot to give us the money, and my friends brother wasnt answering the phone. so we had to walk like 40 minutes back to her place. but i started to feel a bit better. I was suppose to go home that night too but i fell asleep at her place hahaha...

Day 3 (Wednesday, I think i mixed up the days...This happened Friday...hahah anyways):
MY FAVORITE DAY! gsjhdgasjgdjagdj!
Let me tell you about the guy i think i could really fall for hard, First let me say, i am not the type to be in relationships, i think they are a waste of time, boys are lame, i prefer to be single. But i always had this ideal guy in my head that i would always say "If i found someone like him, i would change my vies on relationships COMPLETELY!" and i found him!
My friend knew him when she was 9 because he lived 2 houses down. He is a punk kid too, jean vest with patches, leather jackets, the sloppy look, combat boots, ahaha, and he is just such a fun-loving guy, he is so free from everything! he goes off with a group of friends and travels with nothing. its so fascinating, but he has a home and comes back every now and then, he is back until winter. I am thinking about doing the traveling thing next summer.
Anyways, this is another drunken night, i met up with him and his friend and his friend had a banjo! he was playing downtown making money, so me and my friend sat down with them and started singing songs and just having fun lol, we sat their for a while then we all went behind an alley and started to drink and talk and get to know each other, and we had A LOT in common! which made me fall for him harder, like we were joking around, and it turns out he went to school with my brother! haha and started my brothers nickname which i also get called my a few people, he likes Elvis Presley and i grew up listening to him! he rocks a fanny pack and so do i!! i could go on and on hahaha. We eventually took off to his house and sat in his backyard for a bit, drinking and talking some more, and then we went to his basement and watched south park!
I went home at about 6 am, i had to take my friends car again so i would make it home on time hahaha, i had to get up in an hour for school. lets just say that didn't happen. I was still drunk when i woke up.

So i will end this here. lol i am in just really good mood, only because of this guy.
And now i really need to lose weight because i having something telling me he wont like me if I'm fat. Last night i actually cried before bed because i kept saying "He wont like me, im not pretty enough, im not thin enough, the guys i like never like me" and it sucks, because i like him quite a bit from what i know.
But finger crossed. I just need to drop a few pounds.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

what a night!

last night i went out to get drunk, and boy did i ever get fucking drunk. i was up all night drinking and went to school drunk lmao but before we went to school me and my friend binged and purged, we stay at school for like 20 minutes then walked home, i lost my ipod touch (which i am extremely pissed about, but not as pissed as i am about the binge and purge), and my friend lost her cell phone. i retraced our steps (from what i can remember anyways) but couldn't find either.
and i feel fatter as hell now, because my friend who is bulimic, her younger sister (only by a few months) has an ED too. and she has lost so much weight and shes fucking tiny now. I thought I was the sickest it bad that im thinking like this?
hmm... well ED is a pretty selfish disorder in a way..

Well im just in a shitty mood, i feel fat as fuck, and i lost my ipod.
Fasting tomorrow because i techinally already binged today. I feel like absoloute hell! UGH! TRHIS IS WHY I DONT GO OUT!

sorry about the typos. Still a bit tipsy.
Blah, i want to die right now..

Monday, September 6, 2010


Hey guys, well yesterday started off great but i DID end up binging and purging, but the good news is it wasn't until way late at night and i only binged/purged once. so it was an improvement from the 4-5 a day and lasting all night. plus i woke up this morning and my stomach was a bit flatter!

Today on the other hand, i had to take that special pill once again because I'm desperate. So today will be fasting day, and so will tomorrow. But even before i did the pill, i managed to turn down donuts! and some really yummy looking pasta stuff with chicken in it. AH! but i don't want it.
I have to sign up for school tomorrow, I'm nervous. It's such a huge change from my last school, my last school it was basically home school with friends, it was from 8am until 12pm and there was like 10 people all together but split into two classes, we had smoke break every hour and the teachers were basically students. it was awesome, this school is basically the same thing but its a new building, new people, new teachers. This school is for "Adults" 18 years and up. Scary thought. But I'll adjust.

I was going to weigh myself today, but i think i will save that tragedy for tomorrow haha, i went to sleep at 8am this morning and woke up at 4:30pm hahaha, i need to clean my room, trust me, that will be a work out and a half, then i am going to play some wii and then jump in the shower. Then treadmill later on tonight!

Now for non-weight related news, my birthday is on the 28th of this month. and i am getting a new tattoo!
I am stuck between two ideas, one i have had for a while, chained up angel wings on my back, but not "Sweet" angel wings if you know what i mean. It's suppose to represent "No Freedom". My other tattoo idea is lyrics or a quote somewhere on my body. I am still choosing the tattoo placement and quote but i have a few written down.

Anyways, i need to get on with my day since i woke up late! Need to exercise and clean and shower, ahh!
Update later :)

tata for now! MUAH

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Bulimia Mentality Erased.

Hey Guys!
As you can tell from previous posts things have been rough with binging and purging. I have to get a tooth pulled next week due to my bulimia and i had to get an ultra sound for my liver 2-3 days ago, results will be in next week…or the week after? i forget.

Its kind of scary, you know i am only turning 18 this month and have had an eating disorder for 5 years and i am already having some pretty bad health problems (teeth, liver, etc). I have been binging and purging up to about 4 times a day, usually i starve myself up until about 6pm and then i binge and purge, then once again at about 10pm, then i wait till everyone goes to sleep (usually about 11-12pm) and then i literally stay up until about 7am binging and purging, then i go on the treadmill and THEN go to sleep.
It’s an exhausting process let me tell ya hahah.

Last night i had quite the breakdown, i never felt so depressed. I woke up this morning with my bulimia mentality basically DELETED from my mind, I set my alarm for 1pm (i went to bed at 7am) and first thing i did was jump on the treadmill for 30 minutes and then i drank a slim quick drink (zero calories, it basically speeds up metabolism. and it tastes like fruit punch) and no one is home, usually when no one is home i binge and purge like crazy. But not this time! My dad bought three 2L bottles of coke zero, which recently i have been sticking a big straw in and just drinking from the bottle to keep me full. So i plan on just drinking one of those today.

My stomach feels empty for once, its growling but i refuse to binge, i refuse to eat. I wont let myself, and for the first time in a while...I DON'T WANT TO!
Drug free, i am turning down food. I feel like my bulimia is mentality is gone, not completely, but mostly...I mean, Binging definitely isn't on my "To Do List" for today, tomorrow, or the next day.

School is in 4 days and i refuse to be fat for school. New school (I failed grade 12 and now must be sent somewhere to get my credits because i am stupid..). So i plan on being skinny and take control in not only my weight but also my school work. I plan on actually TRYING and acing everything. I am tired of being the fuck up.
So i am fasting for 4 days (September 9th is school = End of fast).

I am feeling a bit better emotionally today then i was last night. Probably because its a new day, and i haven't fucked up yet and i feel stronger in avoiding food.
I still feel fat, i feel ugly, but not as hopeless...which is a step up.

I bought pants a few days ago, and they fit...but they are pretty tight (they are a size 2 i think) i fit in some size 2/3's but some are tight, these being one of them. I tried them on and was disgusted right away, They are my skinny pants. I want those baggy on me by the end of this month.

Feel so alone and ugly.

I am so sad.
So much is going through my mind i don't even know what to type.

help me

Friday, September 3, 2010


I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I deserve to die.

Yesterday i managed to fast, just as planned. I wrote out a schedule/diet plan. I thought i would actually be able to do it! but of course, i binged on day two... I cant give up though, i am just going to carry on with my diet plan, school is on the 9th and i refuse to be fat for the first day! (or at all!). I just feel like a slob...weak...BLAH!
I had to wake up early to get an ultrasound for my liver. I have had like no sleep lately so i KIND of blame my binging on that, have you guys heard? If you get at least 8 hours of sleep a night the chances of over eating are slimmer. It makes sense really. But this is
MY fault, i can't keep making up excuses for my lack of control...

OH! i started talking to my mom and dad yesterday by the way, i started to feel guilty, even though i shouldn't have. But whatever its in the past, my dad bought me slimquick today! AND I DIDN'T EVEN ASK! ahahah thank god! I haven't had it in almost a week, maybe this stuff will help keep me on track.

I have been exercising a bit more, but my arms are noticeably bigger and i was 103lbs yesterday morning ! omg i just teared up as i wrote that. It's hard to admit how big of a fuck up i am to people who are much stronger then me. It's disgusting how big i am...It's not even my BODY I'm disgusted with, i mean it is of course, but its mainly just the fact i cant stick to a diet...WHY?!

I bought tons of diet food today (which is mainly what i binged on... :( DON'T JUDGE ME ahhaha).
and my purging skills are going down the toilet (no pun intended....did i just use 'no pun intended'...oh god), it's getting way harder to purge and it takes longer which is scary as
FUCK, it just means the disgusting binges will be inside me longer.... i have to start using my fingers sometimes now and before i didn't need anything, so i really need to stop binging. I had a dream last night that my throat exploded. weird. I am fucked up, i hate how weak i have gotten, and i hate how its so hard for me to turn it around and be STRONG! if i want what I'm not doing (but can do) more then what i am doing, why is it so hard for me to switch it? I never thought bulimia could be so addicting, its fucking awful.

Well i am going to hit up the treadmill and play wii fit for a while. i will update later and post my new diet plan that i am HOPING i can stick to tomorrow.

peace and love everyone :)

I miss the hunger, i miss the DREAMING of binging not actually binging,
I miss feeling lighter and smaller, i miss feeling stronger but weaker, I miss feeling
special and in control.
I want to be special.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I am back!

Hey guys.
I have decided to come back, i have way to much on my mind and i NEED to let it out, nothing in particular at the moment, mainly i haven't been doing the greatest still, well its kind of up and down actually, yesterday i managed to fast until about midnight then i smoked weed (cousin offered. what a bastard!) i munched out HARD! I swear i would be at my UGW i it weren't for marijuana. I munched out from about 12:30am to about 6am. i purged so many times in between, i went to sleep at 7am and woke up at 1pm and ate like 2 bowls of cereal, i purged then worked out like a monster lol.

But yesterday while i was fasting, i had maybe 2 sips of water all day, i smoked ONE bong (lmao omg i sound like a crack head!) anyways, i smoked my first bong, stood up to walk to the kitchen so i could get a drink, and i started to black out while walking but i just thought "this always happens", so i kept walking as i was blacking out (i always do it), but instead of it getting clearer, it kept getting darker...and darker...and darker, and instead of my normal 5-Second Blackouts/lightheadedness (?), it was a good 3 minutes of pitch black, my ears started to ring and i had to grab on to my kitchen counter.
Luckily i binged...NOT! I purged anyways.. and can i just say being burnt out, and it being 5am and you have to purge, is NOT good! I remember i ALMOST fell asleep then i splashed my face with cold water and kept purging till i tasted acid.
I also think i burst a blood vessel on my right tonsil. I never thought bulimia could be so damaging, well i DID know, but like most people i thought "Nahh it wont get that bad since I'M doing it."
WRONG. I am rotting from the inside, i just know i am.

So after all of these side effects of bulimia i am a little scared to binge and purge, i am not going to say
Because come on now, we all know that's a lie, i have said it about 345678 times already haha, but i AM going to keep trying to cut down. Its September 1st, a new beginning, even though i already ate today it wasn't a massive binge (not including the 12am-6am) plus i worked it off and purged, and i haven't eaten in about 5 hours now, so i plan on fasting for the rest of today, and take my special pill that i hate so much, and watch old school Disney classic VHS movies while on the treadmill, and then play some Wii fit and Super Mario.
I am a little pissed off though, because since my cousin is here he sleeps in the room downstairs that had the treadmill in it! He is my buddy, he is my age, and i am really close to this cousin, but still...

So i am probably going to send him to the basement to play some xbox360 while I'm on the treadmill for about 30 minutes tonight, hopefully he agrees to that.

and last but not least, tomorrow i have a ultra sound, NOT BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT, but for my liver, to see if there are any problems and what not.
should be fun...

Anyways you sexy ladies and gentlemen. That's all i have to say for now, thanks for all the support! and someone asked what my email was, i have one specially for my disordered eating friends! add er up if you like :)

cant wait to start chatting with you guys!
Don't do anything i would do ;) CHOW!


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