Sunday, September 5, 2010

Bulimia Mentality Erased.

Hey Guys!
As you can tell from previous posts things have been rough with binging and purging. I have to get a tooth pulled next week due to my bulimia and i had to get an ultra sound for my liver 2-3 days ago, results will be in next week…or the week after? i forget.

Its kind of scary, you know i am only turning 18 this month and have had an eating disorder for 5 years and i am already having some pretty bad health problems (teeth, liver, etc). I have been binging and purging up to about 4 times a day, usually i starve myself up until about 6pm and then i binge and purge, then once again at about 10pm, then i wait till everyone goes to sleep (usually about 11-12pm) and then i literally stay up until about 7am binging and purging, then i go on the treadmill and THEN go to sleep.
It’s an exhausting process let me tell ya hahah.

Last night i had quite the breakdown, i never felt so depressed. I woke up this morning with my bulimia mentality basically DELETED from my mind, I set my alarm for 1pm (i went to bed at 7am) and first thing i did was jump on the treadmill for 30 minutes and then i drank a slim quick drink (zero calories, it basically speeds up metabolism. and it tastes like fruit punch) and no one is home, usually when no one is home i binge and purge like crazy. But not this time! My dad bought three 2L bottles of coke zero, which recently i have been sticking a big straw in and just drinking from the bottle to keep me full. So i plan on just drinking one of those today.

My stomach feels empty for once, its growling but i refuse to binge, i refuse to eat. I wont let myself, and for the first time in a while...I DON'T WANT TO!
Drug free, i am turning down food. I feel like my bulimia is mentality is gone, not completely, but mostly...I mean, Binging definitely isn't on my "To Do List" for today, tomorrow, or the next day.

School is in 4 days and i refuse to be fat for school. New school (I failed grade 12 and now must be sent somewhere to get my credits because i am stupid..). So i plan on being skinny and take control in not only my weight but also my school work. I plan on actually TRYING and acing everything. I am tired of being the fuck up.
So i am fasting for 4 days (September 9th is school = End of fast).

I am feeling a bit better emotionally today then i was last night. Probably because its a new day, and i haven't fucked up yet and i feel stronger in avoiding food.
I still feel fat, i feel ugly, but not as hopeless...which is a step up.

I bought pants a few days ago, and they fit...but they are pretty tight (they are a size 2 i think) i fit in some size 2/3's but some are tight, these being one of them. I tried them on and was disgusted right away, They are my skinny pants. I want those baggy on me by the end of this month.


sophie said...

That sounds a bit more positive, good luck hun, keep up the good work..Id LOVE to fit into a 2/3 lol!

I totally hear you about the binging at 6pm, Im fine all day and then start to get the urge about then too...

Chin up! xo Soph

Determined2bthin said...

YOU GO GIRL!! Purging really is exhausting(been there). You can stop it once you've put your mind in to it. I'm cheering 4 u!
Good luck <33


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