..

I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I deserve to die.

Yesterday i managed to fast, just as planned. I wrote out a schedule/diet plan. I thought i would actually be able to do it! but of course, i binged on day two... I cant give up though, i am just going to carry on with my diet plan, school is on the 9th and i refuse to be fat for the first day! (or at all!). I just feel like a slob...weak...BLAH!
I had to wake up early to get an ultrasound for my liver. I have had like no sleep lately so i KIND of blame my binging on that, have you guys heard? If you get at least 8 hours of sleep a night the chances of over eating are slimmer. It makes sense really. But this is MY fault, i can't keep making up excuses for my lack of control...

OH! i started talking to my mom and dad yesterday by the way, i started to feel guilty, even though i shouldn't have. But whatever its in the past, my dad bought me slimquick today! AND I DIDN'T EVEN ASK! ahahah thank god! I haven't had it in almost a week, maybe this stuff will help keep me on track.

I have been exercising a bit more, but my arms are noticeably bigger and i was 103lbs yesterday morning ! omg i just teared up as i wrote that. It's hard to admit how big of a fuck up i am to people who are much stronger then me. It's disgusting how big i am...It's not even my BODY I'm disgusted with, i mean it is of course, but its mainly just the fact i cant stick to a diet...WHY?!

I bought tons of diet food today (which is mainly what i binged on... :( DON'T JUDGE ME ahhaha).
and my purging skills are going down the toilet (no pun intended....did i just use 'no pun intended'...oh god), it's getting way harder to purge and it takes longer which is scary as FUCK, it just means the disgusting binges will be inside me longer.... i have to start using my fingers sometimes now and before i didn't need anything, so i really need to stop binging. I had a dream last night that my throat exploded. weird. I am fucked up, i hate how weak i have gotten, and i hate how its so hard for me to turn it around and be STRONG! if i want what I'm not doing (but can do) more then what i am doing, why is it so hard for me to switch it? I never thought bulimia could be so addicting, its fucking awful.

Well i am going to hit up the treadmill and play wii fit for a while. i will update later and post my new diet plan that i am HOPING i can stick to tomorrow.

peace and love everyone :)

I miss the hunger, i miss the DREAMING of binging not actually binging,
I miss feeling lighter and smaller, i miss feeling stronger but weaker, I miss feeling
special and in control.
I want to be special.