Friday, September 24, 2010

Phew what a day!

Not for what happened today but for what happened last night, i had some drinks and smoked a little weed with that guy i like, we hung out for a few hours alone and watched a movie, he sat beside me and it seemed kind of like we both wanted to make a move but weren't sure how lol (lame). i use to only think negatively when it came to him, things like, "he would never like me", "he probably just said that because..." those kinds of things.
NOW.. i still have some doubt, but i am also
FINALLY starting to think positive and having a tiny bit of faith that this sexy guy MIGHT actually like me. but i don't want to jinx it so i am going to shut my mouth! hahahah.
Plus i have this thing, if i don't get my hopes up too high i don't have to worry about feeling like complete shit after things don't work out. that's my rule NEVER GET YOUR HOPES UP. I think that's why i am always thinking negatively about things like boys and stuff.

I have also decided, sometime after my birthday (the 28th of this month) i am going to do the whole hitchhiking to different places, with no money and just a musical instrument, i will sneak and jump on trains, and just live complete FREEDOM! just like the guy i like.
I swear i have never been so interested in doing something, just all the freedom you get from it, and how interesting and exciting it seems! my friend (whom i am once again friends with...) said
"i don't want you to go! you can get freedom by moving out"
but that's not the point, its not
JUST about being away from my family, that's actually not one of the reasons at all, its a different kind of freedom, plus the experience! all the stories i would come back with! the people i would meet! AHH i can't explain it...but i am for sure doing this. no doubt about it.

Now on to today, food wise, TERRIBLE!
but surprisingly I'm not to obviously i feel fat and gross, and of course out of control. but suddenly after meeting this guy i have this light in me now hahaha, it sounds so lame but i always am looking at the bright side of things now.
i feel like after tonight i can really get back into restricting, besides i was doing good up until today. and i blame the fact i was up all last night drinking AND smoking weed, and i had the one binge at 9am this morning and just thought "fuck it" and i literally binged from 9am until 1am. so for real,
ALL DAY! with tons of purging in between, but my stomach was like a bottomless pit i just kept eating and eating and eating and i was never full. the only times i purged was when i ran out of food (which i have no idea how i always ended up finding more...ahahha)
my tonsil things are soo swollen its insane, my throat really hurts...

:) happy happy happy

But yeah. I don''t know. I am surprisingly in a good mood, and i blame the guy for that haha. i have more of a "fuck it i don't care" attitude now, more then before hahah and a "This is what i think of this" attitude. which just gives me this little confidence boost for some reason (personality wise, NEVER looks wise). Oh and can i just quickly say that this is the first time i have actually been THIS interested in a guy, usually 2 days later i am over them or i just haven't found a guy that i was really into. but i FINALLY found the guy i have been looking for, i always described a guy just like him to my friends and thought "someone like that would be PERFECT!", and i never thought he would come along but he did!

So i have a few things to keep me really motivated to stop binging for as long as i can, and start losing..

1.I don't want to see that guy again until i lose some weight, and i REALLY want to see him. but i have this feeling if he sees me fat he will suddenly lose all interest he may have had in me. not taking any chances.
2.My birthday party is in less than a week and a lot of my old friends are coming and i REFUSE to be fat, i want to be told "you have gotten really thin.."

i bought the book "Wasted" today. I am going to read that all night! and i am going to bust it out tomorrow and it will keep me to occupied to eat (not that i will probably want to because i will be full for years).


you know you need to stop watching Jersey Shore when....
surprisingly being called a grenade didn't hurt me as much as it would have in the past, or as much as i thought it would have when my friend told me this.It's more funny to here's the story, you seeeee. me and my friend hung out with this guy SHE likes and two of his friends, and i guess i was the grenade out of me and my friend. but honestly, they weren't that great looking themselves, on top of that...if you are using the word "grenade" and your not from Jersey Shore. You need a smack or two.

So that is all :)
generally i am in a good mood. i plan on turning my binging/purging lifestyle around for sure tomorrow. i think since i am in a better mood, the need to binge wont be as bad since i usually binge when i feel emotionally drained, like depressed or angry. so if I'm happy, i wont want to eat :)


and everyone else too! :) It feels good to ..feel good..
lets hope it lasts.



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