Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Fresh start

Okay guys.
Now before you go off saying "Yeah right fatso!" hear me out! I just binged, REALLY bad, i mean, REALLY bad! somewhat on purpose though since i have tons of fasting days up ahead because I'm a desperate junkie and such a pathetic hopeless loser i need to resort to drugs to take my appetite away now. but forget that, i say i "somewhat" did it on purpose because it started off not on purpose (ugh) then i was like "fuck it, i am going to walk an hour to some place tomorrow in the freezing cold, walk an hour back home, plus I'm going to be fasting so i am just going to eat EVERYTHING i can" and believe me i did, i got all my cravings out, even things i wasn't craving, i ate until i was so uncomfortably full and then i purged and purged and purged, i filled up 4 huge bowls of puke.
Sorry to much information lol.

But this has got to be the last time! I HOPE IT WILL BE THE LAST TIME! Usually when i take these "Special pills" i am able to fast for that day and then my appetite is decreased from then on, i will be able to stick to a salad a day, or a yogurt a day, etc.
I DO feel extremely weak having to take drugs now to help me lose weight... but i also read somewhere that its kind of common for bulimics so its not TO strange i suppose...but that doesn't make it any better of course. I have had a bad past with drugs, now i only use when i am desperate and sick of being fat and out of control. like right now.
I feel really gross after this huge binge and purge, i feel like i gained a million pounds, i am going to have a REALLY hard time sleeping tonight...and tomorrow i am not going to want to go anywhere but of course i have to, so i am going to wear a baggy sweater and sweat pants tomorrow.

Blah i feel depressed i just want tomorrow to be over...and its not even tomorrow yet!
I am going to go out for a run and then watch home improvement..

will i ever be thin...


URGGGGGGGGGGG! But tomorrow i am buying those pills and fasting.

i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself :'(

Trying something new

Today feels like a good day! haahah minus what my weight was, 107.1 but whatever...I weighed myself because i knew if i didn't then i would most likely keep binging and purging, THIS way i now know how fat i am and i will be able to keep myself on track.
I have a few things i want to share with you guys!
I am a horoscope junkie lol i believe in that shit, and i read like a hundred different horoscopes a day, i know its stupid to read horoscopes let alone 20 different ones every morning, but i swear almost EVERY SINGLE ONE for today was weight related. The main ones:

1.Involve yourself in playing some sport as it is the secret of perpetual youth. simply ignore those who approach you for temporary loans. watch out what you say when you are in a group-you could be criticized for your impulsive remarks. your smiles have no sound-heart forgets to beat as you miss the company. think twice before you take on any new project. efforts made to improve your looks and personality will turn out to your satisfaction.

The next one is creeeeeeeeeeeeepy
2.Don't question your own judgment today and you will find success. The only way you can fail at an important assignment or in the pursuit of a special goal is if you begin to second guess yourself and you become overly critical of your efforts. If you can make decisions with confidence, and then follow through with true commitment to your choices, then you will glide through even the toughest events of the day. you are exactly where you are meant to be, so own the moment.

Every time i think i am going to binge, or if i don't think i can control a binge i WILL binge, so i just need to think positive constantly and tell myself i dont WANT to binge, its all in my head!
(I already knew that anyways)

Quick question.
Is anyone elses blog thing all messed up? like i cant change my font or add pretty colors and stuff anymore D: i loved doing that (as you could probably tell hahaha)IT LOOKS SO BORING NOW!

Okay now on to food.
It is 2:30pm and i have been eating for 20 minutes (Small breakfast which i took a picture of and i am going to post), i am going to start posting pictures of EVERY meal i eat so i don't over eat.
I had 4 tablespoons of egg whites (45 calories) with hot sauce (0 calories) and 2 meatless bologna (20 + 20 = 40) with a tiny bit of mustard on the side (0 calories) and a nice bug cup of water!

Total = 85 calories so far

I will probably have a salad later for around 55 calories and then tonight 4 pickles for 10 calories and a 35 calorie yogurt that i froze.
which should make today a 185 calorie day, and if i have cravings later i will have a 100 calorie lollipop that lasts forever and the flavor is like watermelon, or bubblegum, or BANANA SPLIT!
options options options.

Remember what my horoscope said guys! it can work for all of you also, if you think you are going to binge, you probably will, so think positive :) seems to be working alright for me today :)

p.s. the plate my food is on is one of those small plates.

Forget weight for a minute,,

Lets get of the subject of weight for a moment.
LOOK AT MY HAIR :D lollllllll
Its sloppy,and messy and i love it! I died the top purple (looks blue in the pictures kinda..) but you can still see the faded turquoise in my roots from my last hair color, but i like it! I died my side burns red and then the bottom layer of my hair back to blue!
THEN! I parted my hair further to the side and cut really short layers so i can spike the top because after the colors from my hair fade i am getting a mohawk baby! I cant wait!
The pictures were taken in a bathroom because yes, i just finished purging before these pictures were taken -_-'
anywhoo i said we will not talk about weight in this post! I am to happy with the outcome of my hair :)

Monday, October 18, 2010


I bring no good news today.

Besides the fact I died my hair and it looks badass.
I shall try restricting again tomorrow. That's all I can do... Try and try again.

Sunday, October 17, 2010


I do well for 2 days, and then fuck up the next THREE days! I can't stand it! I wish i could just give up, but obviously you cant give up bulimia or anorexia..
I don't even know what to say... I am honestly hopeless! and no one can tell me other wise.
I may be hopeless, but I'm not a quitter, I am ONCE again going to attempt restricting, tomorrow i am doing the ABC but i am going to mostly eat baby food.

I feel like screaming!
I mean, will i live my entire life binging and purging? and then ATTEMPTING restriction, just to fail at yet another thing and then fall back into binging and purging? Some days i feel like i have SO MUCH control, you guys read some of my posts, but then MOST days (god it kills me to say most..) i have absolutely NO control! I cant control my cravings, and i cant control my portion sizes, i cant control how many times i binge. I am just.. OUT OF CONTROL!
and now my one friend i haven't seen in a long time is coming over Friday, so that gives me FIVE days to lose as much as possible for a bunch of reasons..
FIVE DAYS! How can i possibly look decent in five days... how can i go five days binge free... I'm to weak! and hopeless!
I think i may need to start using those "Special pills" again...
I am desperate... I feel so gross, so ugly, so weak, i feel like a failure!

Now excuse me while i ignore my aching heart and sore kidney while i throw up the dozen chocolate bars and french fries and cake aside, and then not to my homework (which i shouldn't even have because i should be done high school) so i can write out my meal plan for the next 5 days that i probably wont even stick to because i am too weak to turn down an inanimate object that you cant trust, something that makes you feel so good at the moment but then turns on you and makes you fat and feel pathetic.

kill me now.
or at least someone give me my control back...

pills tomorrow... :(

Friday, October 15, 2010

Holy shit...

I had a slice of pizza...
The pizza you buy at the grocery store...like Delicio pizza or whatever, ONE slice. i flipped out, I SAID I WOULDN'T EAT! :( WHY WOULD I EAT IT!

I threw it up.
Seen black spots everywhere.
Passed out.

Alone in my room on the floor, passed out for i don't now how long.
I don't know HOW i passed out! Its only been two days of "severe" restricting, probably because i haven't actually kept any food inside me for months, which still sounds shameful to me (the actually eating part).
At least i threw up the pizza and alcohol right...
Ugh i feel so fat! and bloated! WHY DID I EAT THAT PIZZA! no no, better yet, WHY DID I DRINK THE ALCOHOL!
If i just had that ONE slice of pizza i wouldn't feel as gross right now, but i had 1140 calories of just booze in me, TONS of sugar because that alcohol contained a lot of it, so on top of that i had a fucking slice of pizza...

I am tearing up right now, because i wanted to get through the whole ABC no fuck ups...but i fucked up...as usual...
I want to fast tomorrow so bad.. so so bad...
Why did i eat...I haven't felt this bad for eating something unhealthy in forever...well without binging..

AHH! Tomorrow is 400 calories, not 200. I just checked. I am going to eat 200, well probably less but 200 is my limit. Fuck it, 150 is my limit. I am going to try to fast but if i feel like i am going to cave in i will have a salad, or yogurt, or rice cake...

IM SO FAT! :'( !
This is why i haven't left my house to hang out with friends in weeks, because i will either drink or smoke weed which results in me eating! I shouldn't have got the alcohol today.. i shouldn't have drank!
untill i am 85lbs i am not touching alcohol or weed again in case i eat.
I would rather be thin then fucked up.
In control instead of fucked up.
I am already fucked up as it is..

Someone make me feel better :(
I feel like an absolute failure...well i should..because i am..

I am never going to be skinny or beautiful... why do i keep trying...

Update+ JAZ!!

Today is day three which equals 300 calories.
Well it is 6:30pmand i haven't eaten yet, and i don't plan on it since i am drinking tonight! I only bought 4 Vodka Chocolate Mudshakes, which are 285 calories in one, so that's 1140 calories.
I have only drank one so far, so technically i am still under the 300 calorie limit... and i could stop. But whats the point...
I will probably drink tonight, not eat, and then tomorrow just carry on with the ABC since i haven't eaten today and don't plan on it.

Its kind of frustrating but liquid is better then solids... Plus i plan on exercising tonight, and i have been doing PRETTTYYY good the past few days. my stomach DEFINETELY shrunk, after drinking ONE Mudshake im really full, all the sugar in the drink is probably filling me up. I feel gross, but i will be drunk soon enough and not care as much. The only reason im drinking is family from Toronto came down tonight and they drink all the time.
SPECIAL OCCASION! lol first thing my aunt said was

"Holy shit you are so skinny now!"
and like i said in a previous post, they know i have a "problem" since last year (the last time they seen me) i was starting to really get into restricting and only eating a few cucumber + celery pieces a day.

Dinner just rolled by (They are currently eating) and I'm not eating with them, as usual, and my gay uncle says
"Aren't you coming?" and i said
"No" Simple as that, i don't need to explain how i never eat dinner wth my family, how i dont like to eat around people, and how when i DO eat its later on at night by myself, which i then throw up. He then says
"Why are you so skinny lady! You are a bag of bones! My nickname use to be bones, but i think you beat me!"
and i say
"Hahahah yeah right man, I'm not even close. I am the same as i was last year at the wedding"
And i really do think i am the same, so I'm not lying!

Anywhoo enough of that!
No food for me today, just booze! and tomorrow is i THINK 200 calories? I have to double check, but most of my calories i plan on having will come from veggies to make up for today.
and i want to stick to around 100 or lower, just like day 1


Thursday, October 14, 2010

Cant stay awayyy! ABC

I cant stay away hahah. I love reading blogs and i love updating my blog.

I've been doing good! (surprisingly). I started the ABC yesterday, which is the first time I'm trying it, i use to think it was kind of stupid for some reason, i usually like to go with the flow with my eating (in moderation obviously), but i never actually LOOKED at the ABC plan, and i actually like it! It's all low calorie days, it switches daily to keep your metabolism going, and its apparently really hard and challenging! so i thought to myself "PERFECT!".
I like a good challenge. and this might be the thing to get me out of my B/P cycle because i always hear people saying they can't make it for the full 50 days, so i want to be one of the people that did hahah.

Yesterday was a 500 calorie day and i had:
- 1 Apple cut into slices: 80 calories. I had this at 10pm.
- 10 ice breaker candies: It says zero calories, but PLEASE! 10 calories.
- 1 piece of sugar free gum: 4 calories (The Stride Mystery Flavor... btw the flavor is some citrusy shit.. I'm still trying to figure it out lmao)
Total= 94 calories.

Today i tried to have a little closer to the 500 calorie limit, because tomorrow is 300 calories and it just gets lower, and if i restrict to under 100 calories for like the first week of the ABC i will most likely binge earlier. So i am trying to be smart here!

Today was another 500 calorie day and i had:
- Yogurt: 35 Calories.
- 1 Cherry Cheese Cake Lollipop: 100 Calories.
- Plain Salad from those bags: 55 Calories.
- 1 Tootsie Pop: 45 Calories.
Total = 235 Calories.

I actually thought it would have been less....
BUT POINT IS! I didn't go over 500 so i need to think positive and keep telling myself i did good today. plus i WANTED to get closer to 500.
Most of my calories came from the two lollipops today anyways...
I hope i can keep this up, i can feel my stomach shrinking, it feels tighter. I haven't weighed myself in a few days I'm saving that for maybe Saturday or Sunday morning, hopefully i will be under 106, because I'm guessing I'm around 108-109lbs right now.
I've been running more, and using one of those pedometer things that count your steps and how many calories you burn.
I'm REALLY trying this time, lets hope i can go longer then 3 days this time. Since last time i failed miserably after the third day of restricting hahaha. But I'm good! I believe in myself this time! I NEED to get out of the B/P cycle sometime in my life so why the hell not now!

PLUS! I Got a new ipod touch since i lost my last one on a drunken night, so i have a bunch of new weight loss apps and apps that list low calorie foods from grocery stores and stuff, i am also writing out what I'm eating everyday in this fancy little book i got that includes a calculator INSIDE! fuck yes.
So I'm prepared this time hahah, I'm also trying to think ahead about what to eat for the next day, like tomorrow is a 300 calories day so i will probably have something like ...

Tuna Sandwich
- Can of flavored tuna (90)
- Two slices of 40 calorie bread (80)
= 170 calories

Apple - 80 Calories
2 Cups of Salad - 45
Grand Total = 295

Ehhhhh.. or something a long those lines hahah.
Maybe some egg whites and hot sauce instead of the tuna sandwich, or just the tuna without the bread so i can fit in a rice cake or something. i need to be able to stay somewhat full throughout the days, but not uncomfortably full.


OH and some good news aside from the whole food bizznesssss. I finally got enrolled in school so i can finish my credits, I'm suppose to be done high school, but I'm not a fan of the whole school system thing, and then they tried to make me go back ANOTHER year (that would have been TWO school victory laps people) to get more credits. But instead now, i go to this building every Wednesday, pick up some work, come home, do the work whenever i want, as long as i bring it back the next Wednesday.
So everything is pretty good right now. :) Can't complain to much... yet hahaha.

I am going to go look at some thinspo, read wasted and some blogs and play with my ipod, drink some coke zero and sort shit out for tomorrow!

Sunday, October 10, 2010


Today was really bad food wise.
Binged like mad basically all day.. AHH! i hate myself so much for it, my chest starting aching really bad while purging and i got really bad stomach pains too (but i think that might have been from laxatives hahah). Anyways, I didn't even want to binge! well who does... But i mean i
REALLY didn't want to, but i bought some candy from the dollar store, like lollipops and these marshmallow candy type things, all fairly low calories, but then as i was eating some i started to feel really shitty and i tried to purge but i couldn't because their wasn't enough food inside me and its hard to throw up like 4 marshmallows and a couple lollipops, and my dad made stir-fry (AHHHH MY WEAKNESS!) so right when everyone was out of my house i ate like a mad man and then threw up,promised myself that was the only time today. but nope. of course it wasn't.

ugh! weak weak weak!

I was doing so well today too! I put some veggies in the microwave to steam them and then i took them out and lost my appetite so i put them back in the fridge, i eventually came back to them a few hours later but my control was getting stronger and stronger, now i feel like i just took a huge step back. but! Its three step forward and one step back, tomorrow i will take my three steps forward. At least i can look on the bright side... i ate most of my food which leaves only so much for the next few days. and today i bought walden farms zero calorie caramel dip which i usually just eat like pudding, and i bought zero calorie chocolate and strawberry sauce....still not sure what i will put it on but it could come in handy eventually lol. So i refuse to make a habit out of the binging and purging again. Tomorrow (technically today since its 4:30am) is a fresh start. I really wish i could fast today... and i might give it a shot...you know what, fuck it! (remember my first post!) i AM fasting today. Why the fuck not eh! Cross your fingers for me boys and gals.


My aunt and uncle are coming down from Toronto next weekend,last time they seen me was last summer i was probably only about 15-20lbs heavier but that's kind of when my anorexia REALLY started and i stopped eating (*tear* I miss those days..) and THEY knew that, i remember my aunt gave me her treadmill if i took a bite of a fish, and of course i did it. fuck who cares! treadmill for what! like 5 calories hahaha awesome deal I'd say!
and that whole summer when i was in Toronto i only ate basically celery and cucumbers because i was a bridesmaid for my cousins wedding and i desperately wanted to be skinny and i wanted to person to have to take in my dress for each dress fitting. Needless to say, they all "know" i have a problem, my aunt even said "Shes turning anorexic!" to my mom and i ahahah.
So my point is, i want to be SUPER skinny for when they come.I mean, if they think i have a problem might as well LOOK like i have a problem.
Plus my cousin seen recent pictures of me on facebook and told my mom she was worried about me. hahaha PLEASE! if she thinks i look skinny now she is being absolutely ridiculous! and over exaggerating. i mean. COME ON!

Do i sound nuts? of course i do.

But that's my motivation for this week. I want to get down to at least 100lbs, so that gives me a week to lose around 7lbs since i probably gained a pound from all the binging today.
Anyways. I am going to shut my mouth now. If you don't hear from me for the next couple days, that's because i want to some back in a few days and post a message with GOOD news saying i weigh 102-103lbs.

Oh and here's a recipe tip for you guys that i did today before i went completely down hill:
Buy low fat Cool Whip or Whipped Cream whatever its called, and put it in a mug,
Slap that bad boy in the freezer, and VWALA, Ice cream! Low calorie! Same texture, and tastes really good. I actually used the walden farm Strawberry AND chocolate sauce over top of it. yum yum! Test it out if you ever get an ice cream craving. you save hundreds of calories

Anyways lovely's. It's nearing 5am so i am going to end this post and read a book or something. If you don't hear from me in a few days don't worry! I am just trying to get thin and beautiful! I will hurry the process up ahahah I'm hoping 3days tops. 3-4lbs in 3-4 days is doable!
I'm not weighing myself until Tuesday..


Saturday, October 9, 2010


Okay what in the fuck!
I went to bed last night with my stomach growling, and with a good feeling about this morning. Went to sleep at around 3:30am and just woke up now at 11:am. Took a wizz and then weighed myself... 106.5! WHAT THE HELL! I LOST .1 POUND?! ugh this is getting ridiculous! under 500 calories for 3 days and I've only lost like 1lb!! I'm really frustrated..
I am only going to eat steamed veggies today, now that I'm able to control binge urges again, and now that I've learned to feed off my hunger and learn to love it again.
So steamed veggies and sugar free gum today, and diet coke and water and slim quick zero calorie juice and laxatives (LOTS OF LAXATIVES) and green tea.
and i need to do more exercise, AND purge whatever goes in.
I cant believe it though...when i got down to 97lbs not to long ago i barely exercised, now i am running everyday and I'm barely losing!
So i am going to play my wii fit all day, then go on my treadmill, and then go out for a run and do some jump rope. and then
HOPEFULLY tomorrow i will be fucking 105lbs at least. because i am getting SICK of seeing 106 on the damn scales and I'm getting even more sick of losing POINT ONE pound a day.


I am going to make myself a green tea then go out for a morning run...

That's an old picture of me i found last night on a really really old Myspace (i don't even use Myspace anymore hahah) Look at my boobs! I always thought my boobs were the same size as they always were. but looking at this picture i noticed they are THANKFULLY smaller. I would rather lose .1lb a day then gain .1lb a day and look like that tub of lard again.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Cigarettes and Green Tea.


Okay its midnight and i avoided a binge.
I was only going to binge because I'm so use to binging at midnight when everyone goes to sleep, and i KNEW that so i lit up a smoke instead (Don't worry, I've always smoked) and put the ash tray on the table infront of me so every time i went to ash my smoke i leaned forward and snuck in some sit up type things haha and now my want to binge is gone and my stomach is still growling.

I am about to make myself a green tea then go out for a run and do some jump rope.
I'm starting to get black outs when i stand up and get a little dizzy even just sitting. I am getting high off hunger and its the best high EVER.
I've taken some laxatives to cleanse my body of the gross stuff i ate today which by the way was:

1 rice cake (45) and 2 pickles (5), i left half of each pickles and a quarter of the rice cake.
7 crackers (49) and 1 slice of meatless bologna (20)
Jello (5)
Tuna Sandwich, made with 2 slices of 40 calorie bread (80) and a tin of flavored tuna (90)
Total = 294

That's not including the 45 calories from the mints and some gum so around 400 and something calories.

Well. I am going to go make some green tea then work off the shit load of calories i had and then hopefully fall asleep because my body is exhausted!

Every ounce of fat is my defeat.

Jeez the third day is the easiest.

I was only 106.6 this morning so it didn't go down to much but its still better then 108, but its not good enough.
I planned on only having 200 calories today but i went over, i had about 350 calories. Its still under 500 though so whatever... and plus 45 of those calories were from 1 calorie mints. I feel fat as fuck.. and like a failure, i can never stick to the calorie intake i have planned, BUT i am trying to get out of my bulimia. baby steps my friends, baby steps. I had today planned out perfectly but woke up at 4pm so my whole plan was thrown off, but tomorrow i plan on having:

Breakfast: Yogurt (35) OR Jello (5)
Lunch: Beef Cup-a-Soup (35)
Lunch: Bowl of steamed veggies not to sure of the calories I'm just going to say 40 to be safe.
So a total of 80-110 calories. not including sugar free gum.

THIS JUST IN!!!!!!!!!!

That shit better be sold in Canada hahaha. 5 calorie per piece, that's way better then 500+ for the actual dessert itself.

I bought a pack of cinnamon mints (1 calorie per mint) and i bought double bubble candy gum, 60 calories per 8 pieces, so i put 8 pieces in a bunch of different ziplock bags. and i bought those watermelon candy things, 140 calories per 13 pieces, and i also put 13 pieces in ziplock bags. This way i wont go over the calorie amount for the candies, plus i don't plan on eating all 13 or 8 pieces in a day.
and of course i bought Sugar free gum.
I usually don't even eat candy, but i figure instead of binging have a piece of candy would be better then having 1000+ calories.

So i have been running a lot, and now i can barely walk because i pulled the muscle on the back of BOTH calves, so i need to try and figure something out, i will probably suck it up through the pain and run anyways, i have also been sticking to a green tea a day (or two). So i haven't been doing to bad! Haven't been losing as much weight as i had hoped but hopefully tomorrow i will be 104-105lbs.

i want to be 70lbs
i want to be 70lbs
i want to be 70lbs

I want to get down to 100lbs FAST. My thighs are like tree trunks and i can't stand looking at the fat on them for another damn day. I want liposuction.

Thursday, October 7, 2010





Tomorrow i will hopefully be down 105lbs! ALMOST BACK TO 100! But I'm getting a little ahead of myself hahah
I just need to keep this up! What in the fuck was i thinking binging and purging all the time! I forgot how GOOD this feels! To actually LOSE weight instead of gain, to feel pure and lighter.
My sternum bones are peaking out again.
Stomach is flatter, but i still have that damn belly and pouch from purging. My arms are still flabby and don't even get me started on my legs. But I'm in the right direction!

I plan on beating my record of 97lbs, i will keep getting lower and lower, instead of lower lower higher higher higher.

I refuse to look like this again...

There's some reverse thinspo.
LOOK AT THOSE ARMS! ugh. No wonder i still have problems with my arms, they were always one of the grossest parts of my body. that and my legs of course.

I'm still purging, I purged Three times today (all the stuff i ate was healthy). Almost blacked out the third time but i kept my composure.
But anywhoo.
Well. I am going to go drink a green tea, and play some video games and watch TV until everyone goes to bed so i can WORK OUT!
holy fuck. did i really say WORK OUT when everyone goes to sleep instead of BINGE.
I'm growing up :')


Well its almost 2pm and i already had 500 calories today haha, but i blame that on the fact i was up ALL night, so obviously i would be hungrier. and to be honest I'm surprised i didn't binge, well TECHNICALLY i did...but on healthy stuff, and i was counting calories as i was "binging" ahaha. Plus most of the calories came from crackers, i didn't eat anything unhealthy. i had frozen fruit, which is also where most of the calories came from, i had 2 rice cakes, 35 calorie cup-a-soup. and i was craving chocolate, and instead of eating these REALLY yummy looking "Mr.Big" (like the chocolate bar but in some snack type form) i made a 45 calorie hot chocolate to satisfy my chocolate craving.
I purged all of this.

If i feel like eating later i will probably go to sleep or play some video games, but i think I'm good for the day lol. I'm just happy i didn't go over my limit.
AND i waited until 12pm to start eating lol.

I'm sticking to my rules, and my word.
No more junk food, no more binging, I'm going to lose weight and get back in control. I exercised a shit load today also, went jogging at like 7am and will go on my treadmill tonight and do some more sit ups and jumping jacks, and i will lift some weights and possibly go out for another jog outside tonight.

So next time you guys feel weak, or feel like you are going to give into chocolate, or pizza or another food you love just think "Fuck obviously i can go without it if Sosic can!" because clearly from my previous posts, I'm a binge-a-holic. lol


I'm going to go take some laxatives now...

Tell me how you are all doing! I WANA KNOW!

Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

6:30 am and i have had 30 minutes of sleep all night.
I can't sleep! and I'm exhausted, i exercised last night and barely ate a thing, my eyes are burning! but i cant sleep!
I think its because i have so much running through my head like "what am i going to eat today" or "what if i fail" I'm so anxious to get to 70lbs (my original goal weight was 85lbs until i seen an episode of Dr. Phil where the girl was my height and 70lbs, and what she looks like at 70lbs is what i was hoping to look like at 85...) anyways..
My mind is racing, all i can think about is food and numbers and i cant sleep.

I weighed myself a few minutes ago and i was a disgusting 107lbs, NOW i realize if i slept i would probably be around 105-106lbs so i am trying not to get even more anxious then i already am, i will just keep thinking "107" all day when i want to eat something gross. and i was 108lbs two days ago.. so at least i lost right... ugh its not good enough, it will never be good enough!

I am going to the grocery store with my dad at probably around 11:30 -12pm. and i want to get a bag of frozen fruit, and take a look around and see what else i should get. Maybe some rice cakes? Crackers? Meatless meat? ugh i don't know. I don't want this stuff in my house... if i don't get it at all i cant eat it...
The bag of fruit is a for sure thing though, i plan on just picking at it through out the day.

I feel like I'm going crazy..

I think I'm going to make myself a black coffee to give me a boost in my energy, then I'm going to go for a morning jog.
I will update later :)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

New update.

I'm trying to update as much as possible to make up for the lack of posts hahah. plus its helping me.

Okay well. its 10:30pm and i haven't eaten since 6. I'm SO fucking cold! and my nail beds are like purple, but it's okay.
I'm watching Supersize vs. Superskinny, I'm lucky to get it on my TV since its usually only in the U.K! and seeing the morbidly obese girl is grossing me out, this show is unbelievable motivation, its both reverse thinspo and thinspo. and it showed a video of a guy who was 52 stone. i didn't even know how much that was, so i Googled it to pounds and its almost 800lbs!! holyyyyyyyyyyyyy fuckk!!! i feel bad for him though, once you are that high in your weight its so hard to lose weight since i imagine he can barely move let alone exercise.

I bought a pack of gum but i can't bring myself to have a piece, i know its not FOOD but i feel guilty having a piece after 6pm so i guess im just sticking to my Coke Zero hahaha. i even gave a bunch of pieces of my gum out to others, if i cant enjoy it, might as well let other people!

I'm really enjoying the hunger. I finally feel successful, and in control again. Lets hope i can keep this up.

So far so good.

Hey guys!
So i did really fucking good today, stuck to my plan exactly. I had my jello at 2:30 and while i was eating it a bunch of things people said to me in the past flew into my head for some reason. "You're ugly", "you're fat", "you're stupid". You know,the small things that really get to you. I ended up leaving some of the jello behind,now i am currently eating 2 celery stalks cut into pieces and dipping in walden farms salad dressing. but its almost 6pm, oh scratch that. it just hit 6pm and i set some rules for myself:

- No food before 1pm.
- No food after 6pm .
- Leave food on plate.
- 500 Calorie Limit.

So since it just hit 6pm i am leaving the rest of the celery on my plate. I am full anyways. I didn't even want the jello or the celery, but i forced myself to eat it anyways even though i wasn't hungry, because it will just keep me fuller longer and prevent me from binging tonight. I can already feel the celery come up my throat i am swallowing constantly to keep it down. But i don't want to purge it because I'm afraid i will get hungry later, or I'm afraid i will like the feeling i get from purging and want to binge. So I'm trying my hardest to keep it down!

I'm about to chug back a coke zero and then carry on working on this thing I'm doing to waste time and keep me from eating, I'm going on www.hungry-girl.com (awesome site) and just copying and pasting all the low calorie snacks and then writing out all the nutrition information and printing it off. My mom thinks I'm obsessed. and my brother thinks I'm weird for doing it, i have to agree with them both ahahha.
but GOOD NEWS! i wont be binging for sure later because my brother has his friend over and they sleep in the living room which is near the kitchen, and i hate people hearing me get food, or eating so it will keep me out of the kitchen for sure.

So shit is going good today, i plan on keeping it up because i don't feel quite as dirty or contaminated as i would if i binged. and my dad bought pizza for dinner and it looks nasty. super greasy and cheesy, usually i would be all over that pizza hahah but not today, today i am pointing out the worst of the pizza.I can just imagine taking that one bite and feeling it creep down my torn up throat and the fat latching onto every part of my body. Doesn't sound so delicious, i don't know what i am usually thinking when i eat that shit.

Ugh and i found gross pictures of me when i was fatter. It shocks me how i haven't even lost that much in the 5 years of my eating disorder (even though it just got serious the past 3 years, and i have had a lot of ups and downs with my weight). but it just makes me feel like i should work harder. and that's just what I'm going to do!

Todays the Day

Todays my fresh start, i went to bed at 5am and woke up at 10pm, and then eventually fell back asleep and woke up close to 2pm, and i had planned to eat a yogurt at 1:30pm but since i slept in I'm skipping it.i have a jello planned for 2:30pm which is in 4 minutes hahah. so i will have had 5 calories for today. Then i plan on drinking more water and less diet soda throughout the day.

Then i am going to go for a walk later on tonight.

I don't have much to say yet, my stomach is on the verge of growling which is good! I'm making myself love the hunger again,like i said, i want to feed off of my hunger and that's exactly what i intend to do. Get high off hunger.

I didn't weigh myself this morning because i feel to uncomfortable!so after hopefully doing good today i will feel better about weighing myself tomorrow morning, and then i will weigh myself every morning to keep myself on track.
I'm also going to bust out my food scale and start weighing everything by the gram so i get the EXACT calories. I'm going to get really hardcore now because i am back to that stage of feeling unbelievably bad about myself, everything is so much bigger...flabbier...and just GROSS! i hate gaining weight because it makes me wonder what people think about me..

I need to eat my jello now..that i don't even really want to eat, but i need to to prevent me from binging later on. So i have too..
Wish me luck guys, i swear on my life today everything changes.

I'm Lost.

Im a mess.
I haven't updated in a while, i have been feeling so depressed lately, so much shit has been going through my mind.
My binging and purging has been alright..i guess. I mean i don't remember the last time i binged all day AND night, well yesterday me and my bulimic friend got high and binged basically all day when it came down to purging i could barely get anything up because lately those gland thingy's in your throat have been SO swollen and painful, so when it came down to me purging it literally felt like my throat was going to explode, but i kept trying anyways. it just kept squirting out of my throat, it was not coming out as easily, AND THEN i got a massive headache so on top of it feeling like my throat was going to explode, the more pressure i put to try to purge the more it felt like my brain was going to blow up! It was excruciating. But i kept trying...
But i usually starve all day and then at around 12pm i binge...

Today i had less than a normal dinner then purged, i wanted to binge at around 11pm but managed to ignore it only till about 1am and i binged, but it wasn't SO bad... it was mostly cereal.
I just feel so...fake? I guess you could say fake. I just want to get back into restricting so bad, and i don't understand why its so hard if i want it so bad! I realized i only binge so i can get the high from purging, when i purge, once i get a certain amount up i get this light headedness and this euphoria that makes me feel like I'm floating. and i love that feeling. But i use to get the same feeling from restricting and fasting, but that's just so hard now. and i wish it wasn't. i feel so gross and normal...
I want to be THIN! i want to have people look at me and think "I feel bad for her". I don't want to be fat!
I cant even explain half the shit that's been going through my mind.

I was thinking about recovery...Like ACTUAL recovery, going away to a treatment center and stuff for my bulimia, just so then i could maybe learn to not binge and then slip back into anorexia when i was done treatment, but I'm not going to do that because
1. I'm to fat for recovery
2. It would be a waste of money to get recovery for one ED just to get another.

but i wrote out a pretty decent diet for tomorrow that consists of breakfast, lunch and dinner. Its so funny though because i think what i have planned for me to eat tomorrow is too much, but i binge all the time and normally eat 10x more then what i have planned for myself. My plan for tomorrow is:

Breakfast: Yogurt (35calories)
Lunch: Jello (5calories)
Dinner: Celery

I need to stick to this. I got my period back this month for the first time in over a year! :'( That means I'm fat, healthy, disgusting, ugly... the list goes on. Not to mention i was 108lbs two days ago :'( EVERYTHING IS GOING SO DAMN BAD!
The period thing is enough to make me starve myself for the rest of my life. My period scares the hell out of me.
I bought a Weight Watchers scale the other day for 50 dollars, it says BMI, Bone mass, Weight, Water weight. its a pretty fancy thing hahaha. I was going to buy The Biggest Loser scale that says starting weight, and then subtracts how much you lose and shit, and you can set a goal weight. I kind of wish i got that one, but the BMI on the Weight Watchers scale kind of reeled me in. I want it to say underweight, i haven't even used my new scale yet because i will probably bust it if i step on it because I'm a pig.

OH and i had a total of 6 purge bowls (some empty, some full) under my bed, and yet again my parents took them while i was gone (I'M 18 YOU DOUCHEBAGS!) but instead of not talking to them (seeing as how that didn't work last time) i just acted like i didn't care. and really, i don't. i mean, if they think that's going to stop me clearly they are wrong. They even HID the bowls! ALL SIX OF THEM! but i found one, and I'm using its right in front of me, filled to the top as i type this hahah.

I'm exhausted, i feel hopeless, and weak. i feel depressed, stressed, and just dtghdugfs! I cant really explain everything that's going through my head because i don't even know whats wrong with me...
I'm tired of binging (but not purging), my throat is the size of a tree trunk its so swollen, my teeth feel like they are going to break, I'm huge...

But i can change all this... i hope. I WANT TO BE THIN! I want to show people how strong i am, i want people to see i don't need food.
I'm sure by now the people reading this blog are thinking "She's said she was going to stop binging and purging 1000 times, shes hopeless. i don't want to read about someones fails constantly". Well I promise i will try harder,i will ignore cravings and urges, i will learn to feed off of my hunger, i will learn to get high off of starving myself. I did it before i sure as hell can do it again.
I've been drinking a lot of green tea lately aswell. Just throwing that out there.

Anyways, it's almost 5am. I am going to write down a bunch of low calorie snacks and stuff.


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