Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Fresh start

Okay guys.
Now before you go off saying "Yeah right fatso!" hear me out! I just binged, REALLY bad, i mean, REALLY bad! somewhat on purpose though since i have tons of fasting days up ahead because I'm a desperate junkie and such a pathetic hopeless loser i need to resort to drugs to take my appetite away now. but forget that, i say i "somewhat" did it on purpose because it started off not on purpose (ugh) then i was like "fuck it, i am going to walk an hour to some place tomorrow in the freezing cold, walk an hour back home, plus I'm going to be fasting so i am just going to eat EVERYTHING i can" and believe me i did, i got all my cravings out, even things i wasn't craving, i ate until i was so uncomfortably full and then i purged and purged and purged, i filled up 4 huge bowls of puke.
Sorry to much information lol.

But this has got to be the last time! I HOPE IT WILL BE THE LAST TIME! Usually when i take these "Special pills" i am able to fast for that day and then my appetite is decreased from then on, i will be able to stick to a salad a day, or a yogurt a day, etc.
I DO feel extremely weak having to take drugs now to help me lose weight... but i also read somewhere that its kind of common for bulimics so its not TO strange i suppose...but that doesn't make it any better of course. I have had a bad past with drugs, now i only use when i am desperate and sick of being fat and out of control. like right now.
I feel really gross after this huge binge and purge, i feel like i gained a million pounds, i am going to have a REALLY hard time sleeping tonight...and tomorrow i am not going to want to go anywhere but of course i have to, so i am going to wear a baggy sweater and sweat pants tomorrow.

Blah i feel depressed i just want tomorrow to be over...and its not even tomorrow yet!
I am going to go out for a run and then watch home improvement..

will i ever be thin...


Almost.Skinny said...

What pills?
Stay safe- I know you can do this! Tomorrow will be over before you know it, stay strong xxx


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