Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I'm Lost.

Im a mess.
I haven't updated in a while, i have been feeling so depressed lately, so much shit has been going through my mind.
My binging and purging has been alright..i guess. I mean i don't remember the last time i binged all day AND night, well yesterday me and my bulimic friend got high and binged basically all day when it came down to purging i could barely get anything up because lately those gland thingy's in your throat have been SO swollen and painful, so when it came down to me purging it literally felt like my throat was going to explode, but i kept trying anyways. it just kept squirting out of my throat, it was not coming out as easily, AND THEN i got a massive headache so on top of it feeling like my throat was going to explode, the more pressure i put to try to purge the more it felt like my brain was going to blow up! It was excruciating. But i kept trying...
But i usually starve all day and then at around 12pm i binge...

Today i had less than a normal dinner then purged, i wanted to binge at around 11pm but managed to ignore it only till about 1am and i binged, but it wasn't SO bad... it was mostly cereal.
I just feel so...fake? I guess you could say fake. I just want to get back into restricting so bad, and i don't understand why its so hard if i want it so bad! I realized i only binge so i can get the high from purging, when i purge, once i get a certain amount up i get this light headedness and this euphoria that makes me feel like I'm floating. and i love that feeling. But i use to get the same feeling from restricting and fasting, but that's just so hard now. and i wish it wasn't. i feel so gross and normal...
I want to be THIN! i want to have people look at me and think "I feel bad for her". I don't want to be fat!
I cant even explain half the shit that's been going through my mind.

I was thinking about recovery...Like ACTUAL recovery, going away to a treatment center and stuff for my bulimia, just so then i could maybe learn to not binge and then slip back into anorexia when i was done treatment, but I'm not going to do that because
1. I'm to fat for recovery
2. It would be a waste of money to get recovery for one ED just to get another.

but i wrote out a pretty decent diet for tomorrow that consists of breakfast, lunch and dinner. Its so funny though because i think what i have planned for me to eat tomorrow is too much, but i binge all the time and normally eat 10x more then what i have planned for myself. My plan for tomorrow is:

Breakfast: Yogurt (35calories)
Lunch: Jello (5calories)
Dinner: Celery

I need to stick to this. I got my period back this month for the first time in over a year! :'( That means I'm fat, healthy, disgusting, ugly... the list goes on. Not to mention i was 108lbs two days ago :'( EVERYTHING IS GOING SO DAMN BAD!
The period thing is enough to make me starve myself for the rest of my life. My period scares the hell out of me.
I bought a Weight Watchers scale the other day for 50 dollars, it says BMI, Bone mass, Weight, Water weight. its a pretty fancy thing hahaha. I was going to buy The Biggest Loser scale that says starting weight, and then subtracts how much you lose and shit, and you can set a goal weight. I kind of wish i got that one, but the BMI on the Weight Watchers scale kind of reeled me in. I want it to say underweight, i haven't even used my new scale yet because i will probably bust it if i step on it because I'm a pig.

OH and i had a total of 6 purge bowls (some empty, some full) under my bed, and yet again my parents took them while i was gone (I'M 18 YOU DOUCHEBAGS!) but instead of not talking to them (seeing as how that didn't work last time) i just acted like i didn't care. and really, i don't. i mean, if they think that's going to stop me clearly they are wrong. They even HID the bowls! ALL SIX OF THEM! but i found one, and I'm using its right in front of me, filled to the top as i type this hahah.

I'm exhausted, i feel hopeless, and weak. i feel depressed, stressed, and just dtghdugfs! I cant really explain everything that's going through my head because i don't even know whats wrong with me...
I'm tired of binging (but not purging), my throat is the size of a tree trunk its so swollen, my teeth feel like they are going to break, I'm huge...

But i can change all this... i hope. I WANT TO BE THIN! I want to show people how strong i am, i want people to see i don't need food.
I'm sure by now the people reading this blog are thinking "She's said she was going to stop binging and purging 1000 times, shes hopeless. i don't want to read about someones fails constantly". Well I promise i will try harder,i will ignore cravings and urges, i will learn to feed off of my hunger, i will learn to get high off of starving myself. I did it before i sure as hell can do it again.
I've been drinking a lot of green tea lately aswell. Just throwing that out there.

Anyways, it's almost 5am. I am going to write down a bunch of low calorie snacks and stuff.



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