Sunday, October 10, 2010


Today was really bad food wise.
Binged like mad basically all day.. AHH! i hate myself so much for it, my chest starting aching really bad while purging and i got really bad stomach pains too (but i think that might have been from laxatives hahah). Anyways, I didn't even want to binge! well who does... But i mean i
REALLY didn't want to, but i bought some candy from the dollar store, like lollipops and these marshmallow candy type things, all fairly low calories, but then as i was eating some i started to feel really shitty and i tried to purge but i couldn't because their wasn't enough food inside me and its hard to throw up like 4 marshmallows and a couple lollipops, and my dad made stir-fry (AHHHH MY WEAKNESS!) so right when everyone was out of my house i ate like a mad man and then threw up,promised myself that was the only time today. but nope. of course it wasn't.

ugh! weak weak weak!

I was doing so well today too! I put some veggies in the microwave to steam them and then i took them out and lost my appetite so i put them back in the fridge, i eventually came back to them a few hours later but my control was getting stronger and stronger, now i feel like i just took a huge step back. but! Its three step forward and one step back, tomorrow i will take my three steps forward. At least i can look on the bright side... i ate most of my food which leaves only so much for the next few days. and today i bought walden farms zero calorie caramel dip which i usually just eat like pudding, and i bought zero calorie chocolate and strawberry sauce....still not sure what i will put it on but it could come in handy eventually lol. So i refuse to make a habit out of the binging and purging again. Tomorrow (technically today since its 4:30am) is a fresh start. I really wish i could fast today... and i might give it a know what, fuck it! (remember my first post!) i AM fasting today. Why the fuck not eh! Cross your fingers for me boys and gals.


My aunt and uncle are coming down from Toronto next weekend,last time they seen me was last summer i was probably only about 15-20lbs heavier but that's kind of when my anorexia REALLY started and i stopped eating (*tear* I miss those days..) and THEY knew that, i remember my aunt gave me her treadmill if i took a bite of a fish, and of course i did it. fuck who cares! treadmill for what! like 5 calories hahaha awesome deal I'd say!
and that whole summer when i was in Toronto i only ate basically celery and cucumbers because i was a bridesmaid for my cousins wedding and i desperately wanted to be skinny and i wanted to person to have to take in my dress for each dress fitting. Needless to say, they all "know" i have a problem, my aunt even said "Shes turning anorexic!" to my mom and i ahahah.
So my point is, i want to be SUPER skinny for when they come.I mean, if they think i have a problem might as well LOOK like i have a problem.
Plus my cousin seen recent pictures of me on facebook and told my mom she was worried about me. hahaha PLEASE! if she thinks i look skinny now she is being absolutely ridiculous! and over exaggerating. i mean. COME ON!

Do i sound nuts? of course i do.

But that's my motivation for this week. I want to get down to at least 100lbs, so that gives me a week to lose around 7lbs since i probably gained a pound from all the binging today.
Anyways. I am going to shut my mouth now. If you don't hear from me for the next couple days, that's because i want to some back in a few days and post a message with GOOD news saying i weigh 102-103lbs.

Oh and here's a recipe tip for you guys that i did today before i went completely down hill:
Buy low fat Cool Whip or Whipped Cream whatever its called, and put it in a mug,
Slap that bad boy in the freezer, and VWALA, Ice cream! Low calorie! Same texture, and tastes really good. I actually used the walden farm Strawberry AND chocolate sauce over top of it. yum yum! Test it out if you ever get an ice cream craving. you save hundreds of calories

Anyways lovely's. It's nearing 5am so i am going to end this post and read a book or something. If you don't hear from me in a few days don't worry! I am just trying to get thin and beautiful! I will hurry the process up ahahah I'm hoping 3days tops. 3-4lbs in 3-4 days is doable!
I'm not weighing myself until Tuesday..




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