Wednesday, October 6, 2010

So far so good.


Hey guys!
So i did really fucking good today, stuck to my plan exactly. I had my jello at 2:30 and while i was eating it a bunch of things people said to me in the past flew into my head for some reason. "You're ugly", "you're fat", "you're stupid". You know,the small things that really get to you. I ended up leaving some of the jello behind,now i am currently eating 2 celery stalks cut into pieces and dipping in walden farms salad dressing. but its almost 6pm, oh scratch that. it just hit 6pm and i set some rules for myself:

- No food before 1pm.
- No food after 6pm .
- Leave food on plate.
- 500 Calorie Limit.

So since it just hit 6pm i am leaving the rest of the celery on my plate. I am full anyways. I didn't even want the jello or the celery, but i forced myself to eat it anyways even though i wasn't hungry, because it will just keep me fuller longer and prevent me from binging tonight. I can already feel the celery come up my throat i am swallowing constantly to keep it down. But i don't want to purge it because I'm afraid i will get hungry later, or I'm afraid i will like the feeling i get from purging and want to binge. So I'm trying my hardest to keep it down!

I'm about to chug back a coke zero and then carry on working on this thing I'm doing to waste time and keep me from eating, I'm going on www.hungry-girl.com (awesome site) and just copying and pasting all the low calorie snacks and then writing out all the nutrition information and printing it off. My mom thinks I'm obsessed. and my brother thinks I'm weird for doing it, i have to agree with them both ahahha.
but GOOD NEWS! i wont be binging for sure later because my brother has his friend over and they sleep in the living room which is near the kitchen, and i hate people hearing me get food, or eating so it will keep me out of the kitchen for sure.

So shit is going good today, i plan on keeping it up because i don't feel quite as dirty or contaminated as i would if i binged. and my dad bought pizza for dinner and it looks nasty. super greasy and cheesy, usually i would be all over that pizza hahah but not today, today i am pointing out the worst of the pizza.I can just imagine taking that one bite and feeling it creep down my torn up throat and the fat latching onto every part of my body. Doesn't sound so delicious, i don't know what i am usually thinking when i eat that shit.

Ugh and i found gross pictures of me when i was fatter. It shocks me how i haven't even lost that much in the 5 years of my eating disorder (even though it just got serious the past 3 years, and i have had a lot of ups and downs with my weight). but it just makes me feel like i should work harder. and that's just what I'm going to do!

1 comments:

glmx said...

well done! very inspirational tbh! .. goodluck with the rest of the days, you can do it! :) xx

 

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