Friday, October 15, 2010

Holy shit...

I had a slice of pizza...
The pizza you buy at the grocery store...like Delicio pizza or whatever, ONE slice. i flipped out, I SAID I WOULDN'T EAT! :( WHY WOULD I EAT IT!

I threw it up.
Seen black spots everywhere.
Passed out.

Alone in my room on the floor, passed out for i don't now how long.
I don't know HOW i passed out! Its only been two days of "severe" restricting, probably because i haven't actually kept any food inside me for months, which still sounds shameful to me (the actually eating part).
At least i threw up the pizza and alcohol right...
Ugh i feel so fat! and bloated! WHY DID I EAT THAT PIZZA! no no, better yet, WHY DID I DRINK THE ALCOHOL!
If i just had that ONE slice of pizza i wouldn't feel as gross right now, but i had 1140 calories of just booze in me, TONS of sugar because that alcohol contained a lot of it, so on top of that i had a fucking slice of pizza...

I am tearing up right now, because i wanted to get through the whole ABC no fuck ups...but i fucked up...as usual...
I want to fast tomorrow so bad.. so so bad...
Why did i eat...I haven't felt this bad for eating something unhealthy in forever...well without binging..

AHH! Tomorrow is 400 calories, not 200. I just checked. I am going to eat 200, well probably less but 200 is my limit. Fuck it, 150 is my limit. I am going to try to fast but if i feel like i am going to cave in i will have a salad, or yogurt, or rice cake...

IM SO FAT! :'( !
This is why i haven't left my house to hang out with friends in weeks, because i will either drink or smoke weed which results in me eating! I shouldn't have got the alcohol today.. i shouldn't have drank!
NEVER AGAIN!
untill i am 85lbs i am not touching alcohol or weed again in case i eat.
I would rather be thin then fucked up.
In control instead of fucked up.
I am already fucked up as it is..

Someone make me feel better :(
I feel like an absolute failure...well i should..because i am..

I am never going to be skinny or beautiful... why do i keep trying...

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't give up, you are damn slim =] i can promise you that! you will get there, but the process maybe slow but NEVER GIVE UP!! because you will get there :) You're so strong.

Jaz xx

Almost.Skinny said...

Don't be so hard on yourself! You're still tiny, it's only one slip up- you've learnt your lesson! I hope you're feeling better now, take care of yourself hun! xxx

 

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