Sunday, October 17, 2010

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

SERIOUSLY I HATE MYSELF!
I do well for 2 days, and then fuck up the next THREE days! I can't stand it! I wish i could just give up, but obviously you cant give up bulimia or anorexia..
I don't even know what to say... I am honestly hopeless! and no one can tell me other wise.
I may be hopeless, but I'm not a quitter, I am ONCE again going to attempt restricting, tomorrow i am doing the ABC but i am going to mostly eat baby food.

I feel like screaming!
I mean, will i live my entire life binging and purging? and then ATTEMPTING restriction, just to fail at yet another thing and then fall back into binging and purging? Some days i feel like i have SO MUCH control, you guys read some of my posts, but then MOST days (god it kills me to say most..) i have absolutely NO control! I cant control my cravings, and i cant control my portion sizes, i cant control how many times i binge. I am just.. OUT OF CONTROL!
and now my one friend i haven't seen in a long time is coming over Friday, so that gives me FIVE days to lose as much as possible for a bunch of reasons..
FIVE DAYS! How can i possibly look decent in five days... how can i go five days binge free... I'm to weak! and hopeless!
I think i may need to start using those "Special pills" again...
I am desperate... I feel so gross, so ugly, so weak, i feel like a failure!

Now excuse me while i ignore my aching heart and sore kidney while i throw up the dozen chocolate bars and french fries and cake aside, and then not to my homework (which i shouldn't even have because i should be done high school) so i can write out my meal plan for the next 5 days that i probably wont even stick to because i am too weak to turn down an inanimate object that you cant trust, something that makes you feel so good at the moment but then turns on you and makes you fat and feel pathetic.

kill me now.
or at least someone give me my control back...

pills tomorrow... :(

3 comments:

Aurélia said...

So sorry to hear that dear...I was out of control today to which got me really upset...but tomorrow is a new day.

I'm here if you want to talk

xo

Almost.Skinny said...

I know how you feel- have faith in yourself, you can do this!!! Keep going xxx

not.quite.ana said...

you're definitely not a quitter :) you can do it!!

 

This Template is Brought to you by : AllBlogTools.com blogger templates