Thursday, November 4, 2010


Sorry i have been away for the last couple weeks or so, i have just been feeling embarrassed and sick of posting my fails. I never got those pills i was talking about so i never got to fast, so i was stuck in my shitty routine of gorging on large amounts of food just to throw it up.
I am not sure what my weight is, but i am weighing myself tomorrow morning for the first time in about a week or two. Last time i weighed myself i was 106, but since then i have been doing awful, but a few days ago i decided to smarten the fuck up! hahah i haven't stopped binging and purging, i will admit that. but i took baby steps, i use to binge maybe once during the day then ALL night and just go back and forth from binging and purging throughout the night, then i went from snacking (and purging) throughout the day to binging and purging all throughout the night, and THEN i went from fasting all day to binging and purging all throughout the night, and NOW i fast all night and have one SMALL binge at night (at around 12) purge and workout then lock myself in my room hahaha.

Today was the first time i restricted, having 2 pickles all day and actually being so full i couldn't finish the third one i had on my plate, i bought two 2L bottles of diet soda that i sipped on throughout the day, i moved my entire room around so burned quite a few calories, i am unable to go on the treadmill tonight so i am going to go for a jog later on tonight despite the freezing cold weather and pouring rain.

My cousin who is a male came over yesterday for the first time in about a month and a half, he use to come over all the time to hang out with my brother but when him and his girlfriend after about 2 years broke up he stopped coming over, but now him and his girlfriend are working things out, so he came over yesterday TWENTY FIVE POUNDS LIGHTER! he said he stopped eating, and now only eats dinner. This is coming from the guy who use to eat fast food like three times a day PLUS a homemade meal and snacks in between, he was never fat but he was husky, around 5-10lbs over weight, and now he decides to come over to his cousins house whom he knows has an eating disorder, and shows off him new skinny body. I can only define him as a DOUCHEBAG lol
But he is my motivation to lose weight, since i gained and he lost.

MORE motivation for me is family from Toronto (MORE) that i haven't seen in a year is coming down Saturday. I MUST BE THINNER! I want to shock them, so i have (basically) two days to lose as much weight as i can. Which means i plan on eating only baby food, cucumbers, lettuce, pickles, yogurt, mints, lollipops and gum. Not all in the same day ;) hahaha.

A few things are triggering my loss of appetite..
I have to move out of medium sized city, to the country... so i have to move to the middle of no where! I JUST MOVED FROM MY SMALL EVERYONE-KNOWS-EVERYONE TOWN TO THIS CITY THAT TOOK ME A WHILE TO GET USE TO, NOW I HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN AND LOSE EVERYTHING....AGAIN!!
So basically since my parents are making me lose everything...again, i am going to lose as much weight as i can, since its the only thing i want to lose that they don't want me to lose.
Know why i have to move? because my family is losing money, and it doesn't help that my mom keeps spending money gambling..
So I'm going poor and moving my force. Joy.

Now i can't say I'm not going to binge anytime soon, because well, who am i kidding. But i can honestly say my stomach is growling really bad right now, but i still somehow feel full? and the thought of food sickens me.
I can barely bring myself to drink my diet coke.
Since everything is falling apart, I don't want to make myself more depressed by binging and purging, sure the binging makes me feel alright at the moment and the purging makes me feel even better, but i always regret it later and feel even worse, so i am going to save myself the trouble and just not eat anymore, i need at least one thing to keep me happy, which is losing weight.

I want to be pretty.


*Broken* said...

I´ve been also b/p for these last two weeks, it really´s so tiring...
I imagine what it feels like to keep moving and it must be really hard, but take it as a chance to start over =)
kisses hon

not.quite.ana said...

even if you've been messing up it sounds like you're getting back on track :) and sorry you have to move, it really freaking sucks! i totally agree about how losing weight is like the only thing that makes me happy nowadays... i'm glad you're back :)

Sosic said...

Yeah binging and purging really is exhausting, and it sucks when you waste your entire night doing, then i end up sleeping most of the day lol. it SUCKS, that's why i want to get out of this so so bad!
baby steps is what i always say though!

If you guys ever need someone to talk to just let me know :)

Depressed Skinny Mess. said...

Woo your back :) Shit that you have to move =[ Only good thing about it is that you can have a fresh start, which in turn might get you even more motivated to lose :) you never know :) Just take it at your own pace xx


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