Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Day One.

Hello everybody. Well, today is OFFICIALLY the beginning of a new (or should i say old) start!
I had my dentist appointment today at 11am but i didn't hear my mom wake me up so i got there for 11 30. I was a little worried because i purge a lot, but then i figured "they are stupid. they wont know shittt". Ive had a lot of pain in my one tooth so that was mainly what they focused on, they said it doesn't look like a cavity, so they took an x-ray and i will get the results soon enough! i also have to take penicillin for it.
So I'm a little sketchy about my teeth right now lol. like, is this from purging?! My mom thinks its an infection in my gums. but im not going to over think stuff to much.

Today is day one of my 7 day fast. and i have a really good feeling about this, I'm going to be busy pretty much all day today anyways, I'm not going to have to eat even if i wanted to.
I'm buying a futon for my room, so I'm going to be cleaning/moving my room around today, i have to go to Staples to buy a hardcover journal, and i want to stop by the dollar store to get a measuring tape so i can start keeping track of inches as well as the numbers on the scale. and for a little relaxation later, i plan on watching a few documentaries and movies on eating disorders, or just anything interesting in general. I'm freakishly obsessed with documentaries ahaha.

So. I don't think i have told you guys the rules of my fast. well here they are:
*Only allowed water for the first 3 days (and a green tea before bed).
*I will allow myself at least 2 cans of diet soda for day 4-6, and once again, green tea.
*I MUST do at least 30 minutes on the treadmill EVERY DAY! (I will probably do different exercises to, but the treadmill is a MUST).
*No gum.


I haven't weighed myself today, I'm thinking about doing that tomorrow morning. i want at least one day of exercise and fasting before i weigh myself, I'm sure I'm absolutely huge at the moment. i can tell while looking in the mirror. my face is puffy as hell, whether that be from all the purging or not, it still looks god awful.
my ass is massive now, and my thighs are pretty close to touching once again.
If that isn't enough motivation, then fuck, i don't know what is. BUT no worries, this fast is going to go great! and I'm going to enjoy my break from binging and purging and food all together.

An incident happened yesterday, i thought i would share hahah.
I went out for a walk, and while i was gone my dad came in my room to "get something (or do something) for my cat" and i had a huge bowl FILLED with puke in my room, no one ever goes in my room and i've left it out plenty of times! besides it wasn't right out in the open. anyways, i come home and my dad says:
"Clean your room, i went to get something (or do something) for your cat and i seen that thing. i don't know why you do that."
HAHAHA what a joke! He knows about my ED, and so does my mom, and they have found food i've hidden back when i wouldn't eat at all, they have found bags of puke from before, and yet they think if they tell me to stop i will. And its never brought up again until the next time they find something. In a way this is a free pass to carry on what i'm doing, but at the same time i'm waiting for them to force me into recovery and actually TRY to help me. I know i would be pissed if that happened, but it would be nice you know...

but who cares! hahah I'm going to push through this fast with my head up and just be happy i will be losing weight.
I've realized i will never be happy with my weight or with how i look, i will always be "that fat girl" in my mind and "ugly". but I'm addicted to losing weight, I'm addicted to the rush i get seeing the numbers go down, I'm addicted to the challenge, to wondering if i can do it or not do it!
i wish i wasn't. but i am.

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