Saturday, August 21, 2010

Fuck off bulimia.

honestly I'm useless...


Wheres my control? I have an appointment in 2 days and I'm going to be bigger then my social worker...who is pretty damn big.
ugh... Brownie, 3 banana muffins, some peanut butter (shut up), a salad (Which is what i started with) a hot dog and a hamburger. Not to mention the 3 yogurts i had earlier and the couple pieces of melon.
I cannot stress enough how pathetic i feel... I want desperatly to be thin, and frail, and weak, and...sick! is that bad? is it bad that i want to be so sick i need to be taken care of at all times, maybe then someone will try to help me and take me out of my misery.
Well i must not want it all that bad if i binge constantly. Fuck. Getting out of bulimia is way harder then i thought, how can someone keep doing something they hate? All i know is i have a long night of exercise ahead of me...
Tomorrow i need to fast, i need to get that "special pill" for sure tomorrow! I need to get my damn cellphone working first. blah, task for tonight...fix phone.

So workout tonight, fast AND workout tomorrow.

I am also thinking about getting a gym membership, I have all the work out equipment at my house but i figure working out OUT of my house will prevent me from binging more since i wont be in my house, plus i can walk there and back.
Speaking of which. I need to do a lot more walking and get out of the house more...more then i already am.

I really want to hurt myself...but i haven't done that in a while, plus. what could hurt more then knowing my self control is gone? knowing i will never be thin, and having bulimia. NOTHING! a simple cut on my wrist or punch in the head will not take away the pain i feel inside anymore.
I need to figure something else out...
But i really do think I'm useless, i think I'm going to spend my whole life sneaking food into my room to binge, and then with my head in the 2 buckets i have hidden under my bed to purge in.

Judge me all you want guys.. I know what your thinking
"Shes got no self control, She's disgusting" I'm addicted to food, It's a true addiction, I hate it...but i keep going back for more.

I hate food, I hate myself.
I just want my "Eating Disorder" to kill me already...

For the record. I'm not returning the clothes lmao
Here we go again with not sticking to what i said i would do. But trust me, i will fast tomorrow...



Anonymous said...

Well if it makes you feel any better, i know how you feel starting with a salad and then reaching for all that crap..its sooo hard to stop :(
I love your blog :) I found it from prettythin, and your photos thinspire me :)
Makes me feel somewhat 'normal' lol!
Im sorry you feel so bad today, fingers crossed for a better day tomorrow :)

Sosic said...

Yah it is very hard to stop. It's like even when im not hungry i still get this huge urge to eat everything in sight. Somedays i do really good! others not so much, but i will eventually get to the days where i always do good, and get my control back.

and thanks :) im glad you like it! I think this is the longest ive been able to stick to a blog lol.

Sosic said...

oh and if you don't mind me asking, how did you get my blog from prettythin :) lol

Sophie11 said...

Hi again, actually whoops it was WhyEat..sorryT for a while but i prefer WE! (Im Sophie11 on WE :) )

Keep up the good work!


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