Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Rant - Part Two.

Okay well I have still have so much on my mind right now.

Today's binge(s) honestly tore me apart, i was just crying while staring at my body in the mirror, mainly because I think i have came to the conclusion that i will never be thin, never be beautiful, never have that perfect body i want and picture in my head, that super skinny no fat or muscle what-so-ever body. Or at least i will never see it, but more so i will never get it.
So whats the point..?
This doesn't mean I'm considering recovery, These are just thoughts...

But really, I just feel like there's something huge missing in my life, maybe its everything considering I've based my teenage life around my body and dieting.
I'm dead set on the fact that I'm never going to get where i want to be...I'm not strong enough. I cant even picture myself with that skin and bone body when i close my eyes, I will always have these jiggly untoned thunder thighs, these chubby cheeks and puffy,bloated,pouchy tummy, with my arms that have always been huge, and manly calves and cankles, my sausage fingers and love handles that never seem to want to go away, and of course my hips that are about as wide as a house, and my boobs that I've always been uncomfortably commented on growing up.
It's funny though, because i always wondered what i would look like at 99-100lbs and its nothing like I'd hoped. I look the same as i did at 110,115,120,145! It's
Hopefully at 85-90 I will finally start to see a change.

I get told by people that I'm getting thinner constantly, but i really truly do not see it.
You would think that I would think "well if people are saying I'm getting thinner, then i must be".
WRONG. In my mind, these people know about my "eating disorder" and just tell me this to get me to eat and get fatter.
I wish i could see that i was getting thinner (if i really am..) I know the numbers on the scale are going down, but really what does that prove? I'm actually SEEING the body that's apparently losing weight millions of times a day in the mirror, and to me i still look like a fat slob.
I wake up every morning hoping to look in the mirror and for once think "Wow..you actually do look skinny."

I just want this all to end! When will it end? Does it ever end?!

I'm constantly failing, not just in my journey to be thin but everything else too, i failed my last year of high school and need to return to school next semester (My mom & dad had 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl..I'm the one girl, also the youngest. Only one kid completed high school, my brother who's the second youngest of us all, the one I'm constantly compared to).
I failed my mom and dad as the daughter they always wanted, not just for school but so much more, I'm constantly reminded, I mean they wanted a girly, smart, successful daughter. Instead they got me, a Fall down, drug addicted, high school failing, punk girl with green hair. They cant look past all this to see who i REALLY am, which is actually smarter then
A LOT of people take me for, funny and strong (I do all the guy stuff around the house and help my dad instead of my brother).
So the only way i can show my success and prove i am strong and can be that perfect daughter. Is to starve off all my flaws and fails. Which apparently i cant do.

I have so many thoughts and questions running threw my head right now its ridiculous. I feel so alone and hopeless.
Why me? Why anyone with an eating disorder? Why cant we all just be happy and love ourselves for who we are? It's less painful.

So sorry for the first extremely emo venting. BUT It felt good to type all this out.

Time for some Slimquick.
See ya later guys! Maybe after some exercise and sleep tomorrow i will wake up on the right side of the bed.


KrystalKlear said...

hey cass, its trapped from w.e.
:( i nearly cried reading your post. it never seems fair that this happens to so many people. and like you, i'm constantly asking "why me, what did i do to deserve this" and "why cant i just be normal?!"
its frustrating coz once upon a time we lived without an e.d and we were happy :(
i hope your feeling better love, and dont worry! you have lost so much weight, your body is AMAZING right now. dont be so hard on yourself, you've come so far already and at your lowest weight.
pm if you want to talk ok?
take care !

p.s. lol the word verification for posting this comment was "farst"

Sosic said...

Awe thanks for the nice comment :)

and yeah it does suck that it has to happen to us, but we didn't choose it, but we can choose to get help. unfortunatley it is easier said then done.

And i will for sure pm you :)
same to you, PM me if you ever want to talk!

Thanks again!


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